Trying to Get The P for Free: Ode To Baby Daddies/Ex-Husbands and Shout Out to Real Fatherhood

            Despite what KRS-1 says and ALL my best efforts, the P is not free. In some way or another we all end up paying, before or after, for sex.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with what men will do to get sex, and how they change after but this is a little deeper.

What about when the for some reason or another outside of true Love, the man wants to stay? Sometimes the reason is as trivial as just wanting to back up a bunch of shit talking. In fact, most of the time the sex is not that great at all and it is the shit talking that keeps couples together.

It all begins with all the false identities we present to each other that build into the bigger promises we make in order to keep up relationships that are built on nothing. I know people whose relationships have less real talk than a couple in a Cinemax movie. That tends to be the way when people don’t want to hear the truth. The less talking, the less chance hurting one another’s feelings. In all relationships, plutonic, business, political as well as romantic, the truth is not very popular. Everyone just wants to be Politically Correct.

After centuries of these polite relationships, we’ve developed a society of dysfunctional relationships.  In short we are all a bunch of liars. We are an overly sexual society and most of us want to keep it a secret. Both the men and the women want to avoid being labeled. We all get into sexual relationships that we want to keep sexual. But the only way to keep any relationship purely sexual is to pay. As the saying goes - you don’t pay hookers for sex, you pay them to go away. But it’s a recession and as sexual as America is, no one wants to be seen as overly sexual, so we avoid hookers and situations where we could be seen as hookers.

And that begins the delicate dance of love. We want to get the P for free so we pretend to be in love. The only problem is we can’t dance. We keep making up more and more lies to keep the P free. We tell so many lies for so long that sometimes we wake up married with kids.

Here’s the bad news: Eventually, the truth always comes out. AND, eventually you always pay for the P. The longer you go without paying, the larger the bill raises. So when you finally figure out you’ve been playing yourself, you’ve got to pay.

Most of the time, the bill comes in the form of child support and, by the time that bill comes, play time is over. Another bill is called alimony. All of these “bills” come as a result of trying to avoid the prepayment for sex. I used to look down on a friend of mine who bragged about paying his wife for sex. But looking at their situation now, if they do ever make a split, it will be clean because he prepaid. They don’t have children. And his payments are documented. Worst case scenario, he’ll have to maintain his already small payments. Best case scenario, he’ll win and she’ll have to pay him.

 But let’s talk about the losers.

At some point in failed relationships, amnesia sets in. All the promises are forgotten. All the good times erased. All the lies ignored except for their use in arguments. When it comes to “Baby-Mamas”, “Baby Daddies” (I threw up a little in my mouth typing those words. I hate them so much. That’s another blog though.), Ex-Husbands and Ex-Wives it’s hard to look at them and imagine they ever loved or even tolerated each other enough to have unprotected sex once let alone a whole relationship’s worth of sex.

Dr. Laura always keeps it real. A couple may not reunite after splitting up but when children become involved, continued communication is mandatory. I didn’t realize my parents still talked till I was like twenty. They argued so much in front of me that it seemed impossible they could ever communicate rationally. I was so wrong! No wonder I couldn’t get away with any of that playing one against the other shit.

Number 8 is the biggest. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. All you are doing is just building a debt you WILL be forced to repay in one way or another. What started as lies to get the P for free can eventually lead to making false promises to children and can end up with you forking up some bail money for your stripper daughter.

The bottom line for men as well as women in relationships that doesn’t/won’t work out is to be honest to your words. Whether or not you can actually live up to the all the shit you talk in relationships, you WILL have to pay the debt one day. It may include child support, it may include alimony, it may be tuition, and you may have to raise someone else’s kid. But the most important debt you owe is to the children. And it’s not about money. It’s about time and Love. It’s about keeping your priorities in line.

When you truly make family and Love the priority, the money won’t matter. Neither parent will run from their responsibilities. And whether or not the romantic relationship works out the relationship between both parents must be maintained. Not just for the children but for fulfillment within your personal lives.

Paying what you owe is all about being true to yourself. At some point we all have to face the reality of our decisions. The sooner we do, the easier it will be to handle our responsibilities.

The P is not free. Whether it’s $1.50 for a pack of rubbers or $215,000 for college, you will pay. Even if it’s just time and the energy of dealing with each other honestly, which I say is the best value, you must pay.

It’s never too late ladies and gentlemen. No blame, no games, just start with a little honesty. And…

Pay what you owe.

What I Learned In Church: Christmas 2011

You know the story of Jesus’ birth but do you know what the story is all about?

This week was my return to El Shaddai. I have a bond with El Shaddai. There is learning wisdom, growth and, most of all, Love in that church. For all the traveling I do, there aren’t many churches that make me feel as at home as El Shaddai. For it to have been so long and so much to have changed, El Shaddai is still vital to my development. I have been and will continue to thank God for the influence of El Shaddai in my life as well as the life of my family.

Let us pray.

Lord thank you for your influence. Thank you for El Shaddai. God bless pastor White and the White family. Forgive me my distractions. Thank you for keeping me focused on Your word and Your Love despite the many other distractions. I trust I will receive your word through Pastor White and that the message will continue through me to all who actively seek You. We always pray in Jesus’ name. Amen

Many of us have heard the story of Jesus’ birth so many times and in so many ways, that we don’t pay attention even when we are reading it in the Bible. I’ve read the Bible cover to cover many times and I admit to glancing over parts I’ve heard about before especially the Nativity Story.

Read Luke chapters 1 and 2 in the spirit of meditation and focus. Let God’s word inspire you to study more. Realize YOU must study. YOU! I can tell you but true revelations come from actively seeking God not from hearing sermons. Sermons should inspire us to build and/or strengthen our relationships with God.

Proverbs 4:5-9 says “get wisdom”, “get understanding”, “it is the principle thing”. Ask for it. Seek it. By principle we mean first. Everyone is running to prosperity churches, buying books, running debt, and chasing dollars everywhere they can.  But if they have no wisdom, they have nothing.

In my family, we have a superstition. If your right palm itches, you’re going to get some money. Take it from me. I’ve seen money come and go. If there is any truth to the superstition, when your palm itches, you better get in that Bible. Get some wisdom FIRST! A fool and his money are soon parted (not in the Bible but true).

Wise people seek Christ. Not only is money fleeting, it will not get you what you truly want. Most of us have been looking for Love our entire lives. We never get it and instead fill our lives with ‘stuff’. Eventually our lives become full of everything but Jesus. James Chapter 3 warns us not only of the power of the tongue but of the difference between God’s wisdom and worldly wisdom.

There is nothing wrong with knowledge. A ton of people confuse, mix up and interchange knowledge, wisdom and understanding (www.dictionary.com). Because they are all interrelated most people grow to believe they are the same and that if they have one, they have the other. Knowledge of Christ leads you to God’s wisdom IF you keep seeking. It is unfortunate that there is never enough stuff, but there can be too much God for us. It’s even sadder when we consider how little satisfies us when it comes to God, while we are never satisfied with the little things in life.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of your labor. We work hard to get what we have and we should count all prosperity as a blessing from God. But when the ‘stuff’ gets to be more important than God, you fall into spiritual slavery to ‘stuff’. All of a sudden, your loving family and friends are not enough. Christmas stops being about family and Love. Christmas becomes a competition to see who has/gets the most ‘stuff’.

Through study, meditation and prayer we see that Jesus “was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that [you] through his poverty might be rich.” One thing I notice about truly wealthy people, the few I’ve met and the tons I’ve studied, is that they don’t make ‘stuff’ a priority. In the words of Dave Ramsey they – “Live like no other in order to live like no other”. On Sunday (it was Sunday more than it was Christmas) Pastor mentioned we must “go where we’ve never been to get what you never had”.

Now, let me be clear. My focus is giving my self up to God. I only look for opportunities to give and receive Love. My gift on Christmas was spending it in L.A. for the first time in five years. My gift was sitting with Pastor White at El Shaddai. My gift was seeing my changed cousin. My gift was a Snow Day with my girls. I also got to see my nephew act (well!) in A Christmas Carol. I got to see my niece practice and perform “What Christmas Means To Me” by Stevie Wonder. Above all I was blessed to be able to use my wisdom to keep Christmas full of Jesus and not ‘stuff’.

My one and only wish in writing this is that people who didn’t get those types of gift get them one day. Hopefully sooner than later. I pray that people, who became overwhelmed with ‘stuff’, find salvation. If it’s only salvation from ‘stuff’, I pray that’s the beginning of a total salvation. I pray that we reclaim the power that ‘stuff’ has over us, the power that makes us risk and give our lives, that hurts our feelings, that makes us be nice to douche-bags, to stress ourselves out and simply distracts us from God. We will have power over ‘stuff’ again.

Christmas and everyday can and will be full of Christ. And because I know better, I claim it all in the name of Jesus.

My Businesses: The Mission Statements

RuggeD Productions

          In 1994, my boys (The RuggeD Posse) wanted to BBQ. I was eager to help. It all began an initial investment of twenty dollars. For twenty dollars, I became a part of my first party crew. I was in love. That year was my introduction to what it really meant to be a part of something. I was a part of a community. I was experiencing true cooperation.

          In 1995, I decided to take that same message of community and cooperation nationwide, starting with LA. Since then the vehicle has changed. RuggeD Productions has shifted from high school parties to adult nightclubs to commercial and residential real estate. It has shifted from promoting to production to building. The scope has grown from one city (LA) to one country (USA) to one planet.

          Through it all the underlying message of community and cooperation has only been perfected. RuggeD Productions is about strong individuals, families, communities and nations. Through entities such as RuggeD Publishing, Sloan Enterprises LLC, RuggeD Prime, RuggeD Premium and RuggeD Properties, the mission is to strengthen individuals, families and ultimately our world.

          The message of community and cooperation has grown under God’s leadership. Just as a young man has grown from helping out his crew to aspirations of inspiring the world, God’s gift of love and abundance can be achieved through community and cooperation. The mission of RuggeD Productions looking forward is to help community institutions grow as God intended, abundantly by providing plans and long-term growth strategies for small businesses.

RuggeD Publishing

Somewhere along the line, I realized I could write. Further along the in the journey, I realized I had a message to share. My journey has delivered me to a place of strength, peace, and love under God’s guidance. The truth of my experience is beautiful and meant to be shared.

          RuggeD Publishing’s mission is to inspire the spirit of abundance and love within the individual. One person, one word at a time the truth will be told and God’s message will be shared.

          As in all RuggeD companies, the mission is to inspire the world. We write about growth, love, community and personal journeys.

          Abundance, cooperation and Christ-like living, one word at a time.

RuggeD Properties

         

          Since high school, I have been impressed with the spirit of community. In my travels, I realized just how valuable that spirit is. Since about 1998, real estate has become vital to the mission of abundance.

          The mission of RuggeD Property is to build communities and inspire cooperation one home at a time. RuggeD Property seeks to build, rebuild and maintain communities across America as part of RuggeD Production’s larger mission of abundance through community and cooperation.

          Community, cooperation, abundance, Christ-like living, one project at a time.

RuggeD Prime

          As RuggeD Prime, our family (business) seeks to establish a tradition of improvement. Whether it’s new developments or rebuilding/remodeling neighborhoods; whether commercial or residential, RuggeD Prime carries the RuggeD family’s message of community and cooperation along with it. RuggeD Prime is improving every community if works in, one project at a time.

          Tradition, community, cooperation, abundance and Christ-like living, one neighborhood at a time.

RuggeD Premium

          Investing is about building a legacy. Investing is about growth. It is a tool for abundance and giving. RuggeD Premium is the company that achieves that goal. RuggeD Premium builds tradition, A tradition of growth, abundance, cooperation and giving for our (RuggeD) family and all of our associated communities. RuggeD Premium is not just about building bright futures but also blessed eternities for the world family.

          Investing in growth, tradition, community, cooperation, abundance and Christ-like living, one dollar at a time.

My Mission Statement

Jason Sloan

          My mission is to build wherever it is God leads me. From my inner-self to my outer-self, my family, whichever other families see fit to include me, my community, my city, my state, my nation, and the world which I eventually create for myself, these all deserve my best and highest effort. I aim to be an asset to every institution I touch. I plan to replace old cycles of material/spiritual poverty and despair with new cycles of growth and abundance. Whether I build from scratch or improve on existing foundations, I intend to inspire abundance and growth every place I find myself.

          To inspire abundance, cooperation, Love and Christ-like living.

What I Learned In Church 12/19/11...

12/18/11

It may take a while before I get to my actual church. I’m visiting everyone else’s churches first. This week was Metro Church Calvary Chapel. A nice church. I like them smaller. I don’t want to be anonymous in a church. The pastor was a funny little man full of Love and energy. The congregation was like a big family. Real low key vibe. Cute little church in Santa Monica. I may go back.

After that, it was Masonic St’ John’s Day at Victory Baptist Church. I went with my father. Two Words, one day. And then I finally got to chop it up with my big-big sister T. Today was truly God’s day. I’m blessed to have been active in it.

So on the way to Calvary, Brandi called herself a pessimist. I said she just wanted to stay prepared for the worst case scenario. That’s not the same as expecting the worst outcome. The details are not important but we get mixed up by them. God winning in the end means you are not a pessimist. When you believe, you become an optimist. Different people get to God in different ways. But they get to God. That is all. The details (the how) is unimportant. The how is what distracts us from God. We try to control how but that's not in our power. That power is all God. Our power leads us to choose God and he takes it from there. I think God proved my point later that night.

The focus was on the coming of Jesus. After all, he is the reason…

The scriptures came from Isaiah Chapter 7 (14-17), Chapter 9 (6-7), and Luke Chapter 2 (8-20).

The Old Testament is full of Israel getting chance after chance to get it right and choose God. Then Isaiah foretells of a coming savior in the midst of Israel’s poor decision making. Then Jesus actually came to fulfill God’s promise. Unfortunately, after a million chances, a warning and fulfillment; we still don’t choose God. We prefer to stay stuck in the past. Per Pastor Steve – The Past often has to do with fathers. We may or may not have one and he may or may not be any good. But we have the fulfillment of Jesus. He came to make us all brothers and sisters and give us an everlasting Father. The everlasting Father is here now and endures forever.

So we have a choice. We can stay in our unfulfilling pasts or we can choose the brighter present and future promised us by God through Jesus.

Jesus was born to give us second birth. That we may die no more. But we still choose to die. We don’t choose God. We choose drugs. We choose stress. We choose getting older. Instead of preparing ourselves for the next step of our eternal lives we say things like “I’m seventy-five years old” as an excuse to stop living.

The time is not for excuses. It’s time to live and never stop!

Just a little FYI:

It is a myth that Jesus was poor/came from a poor family. 2 Corinthians 8:9 He was rich. He made himself poor for us. And then he handled the misinterpretation with humility. We misinterpret being born in a manger as a sign of poverty but it's OK. It still serves God. (Some details are not important to serving God)


(St. Johns Day)

The word came from Proverbs 3:1-6, Luke 1:26-33 and Matthew 1:18.

We get focused on Stuff so much during this time that we forget Jesus was not about Stuff. He came to change us. Not to change the law, but for us to grow past our current conditions to something better.

THIS is a season of change. Let the coming of Jesus represent the fulfillment of God's prophecy. New births and youth should remind us of the fulfillment of dreams and plans to honor God's word. And the word is Love. Bless and encourage change and growth EVEN and especially if it threatens traditions. There is only one tradition worth saving, Jesus' tradition of Love.

Mary reminded Pastor of the Unmarried Pregnant Black Teenaged Girl which, by the way, is becoming rarer. According to USA Today, from 2009 to 2010 there was a 9% drop in unplanned pregnancies among 15-19 year olds. Thank God and praise His name.

A few young people still get sidetracked. They end up missing out on their education, settling for any job and anybody. Some of us got side tracked. Some of us did some sidetracking. We all “made the best of it”. We were still trapped in a life we weren’t prepared for.

If we really cared about each other, as well as ourselves, we would not want to lock each other up. We would stop using tricks to sidetrack each other.

Because we choose God, we don’t focus on the past. No blame. We just don’t do sidetracking anymore. And if we have already sidetracked/been sidetracked, we stop. We DO building. We DO choose God. We DO what Jesus would have us do. We Love.

What I Learned In Church 12/11/11

What I Learned In Church 12/11/11

Let me start by thanking God for forgiving me for making my obstacles bigger than Him. Thank God for Your undying Love.

            This past Sunday I was at Triangular. I grew up there, as well as in other churches. I am just now though learning and understanding the philosophy of this particular church, just as I am coming into a fuller understanding of the Love of Jesus.

            Before we begin, let me share a few thoughts and announcements:

• Another day older but more so infinitely more mature.
• The Question of the Day was designed to show how we sometimes make man into idols and put men before God. I forgot, though, to ban preacher men from answering the question. (Thanks George!)
• Have you tried Jesus? Seriously!
  We have truly tried everything. All that IS left is choosing Jesus.
  That doesn't mean voting for a Crazy conservative next November. That means choosing Love now and letting that light shine everyday until November and beyond. This country and this world need and deserve your Love now and forever. Start with your self and watch it spread through your family to the world. Keep building. Keep growing. Never, not for one second, stop Loving. Choose Jesus from now on!
• We are Love so look for US everywhere.
• Keep on being a bright light; don't be a dim light.
  
  

And now the Word:

So, by his own words, Eddie Long's church is in jeopardy. Where Is The Healing? The healing is going on now. The people are leaving because they are supposed to. Revenues are down because they are supposed to be down. Eddie Long ("My church is in jeopardy") It is. But not The Church. Brick and mortar is in jeopardy all over because we've been choosing buildings and not God. God is clearing out the rift raft so we can choose Him and not idols. 

Healing is taking away obstructions between you and God. Obstructions are not just obvious sins like adultery or homosexuality or lying. Obstructions are making yourself, your life, your church and your problems bigger than the Real Church.

God is working with New Birth. In Matthew Chapter 9 Jesus first forgave the palsied man his sins so he could be healed. Then he told the man to rise and take his bed and go home. I’m sure Eddie Long asked for and was given forgiveness long ago. He and New Birth are still being healed. This is a specific process.

Healing is a process specifically for the individual. If you have someone to forgive, there is a healing process just for you. Remember the 7/70 plan (Matthew 18:20-22 - forgive him seven times seventy) It's not about being able to feel good It's about being able to do better. To Love better!

Attacking Eddie Long won't fix the problem. And forgiveness is not giving him a pass. Forgiveness is seeking and waiting till we find healing for Eddie Long and the church AND his accusers. The Church WILL get better. That may or may not
Include New Birth but The Church will be better.

"Pick[ing] up your bed" is taking dominion over your life. That bed was that mans life. Control that which has been controlling you. If it’s drugs, sex, lying, eating, did I say sex? Don’t play with it or let it play with you. No matter what it is, remember the Bible has a happy ending. Seek forgiveness and allow God to heal you. It’s a process. Go through it. God wins in the end. Despite how it looks now, God is working towards the best. Get on His team.

It’s funny. As soon as I heard Reverend Greg say Eddie Long. I said to myself – Awwwww man! More of that bull! But God uses everyone to shine his light. As we look to New Birth and pray for healing for that church, we should see God working in our lives to heal us as well. We should remember to remain patient and long suffering as we go through all that we must to be healed.

We’ll end with a special prayer for my Brother's Brother. Thank God for his healing hands.

Letter to Jay-Z, Willie Lynch , Daddy and Everyone Else Who Ruined My Life

Letter to Jay-Z, Willie Lynch (click for the original letter), Daddy and Everyone Else Who Ruined My Life

This is a shout out to the assholes, a toast to the douche bags, and cheers to all the scum buckets.

You are no longer powerful in my life. In fact you are no longer a part of my life at all. You are on your own kiddos. For your sake I hope you can live on your own, you parasitic leeches. I am assuming full responsibility for my life from now on. I have established my independence from your our relationship.

I must admit I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to live with you as a crutch. Just imagining being responsible for my own actions without anyone else to blame seemed inconceivable. Then one day I tried it.

It was wonderful.

It was everything everyone always tried to tell me and so much more. More! This is living! Real living. The truth. The gospel according to Rhonda Byrne.

I’m free. I’m above all the hating and haters. And because of that, I have absolutely no need for scapegoats. There is no one to blame for my life but me.

So this is the break up letter to Jay-Z, Willie Lynch, Daddy, The Police, Some Snitches and everyone else who ruined my life up until now:

It’s not your fault. It was no one’s fault. I take full responsibility for where I am in my life. That means the past does not matter anymore. The only thing that matters is what I do from now on.

That means I forgive you all. I forgive you Jay-Z for killing Tupac and Biggie and/or taking over their spots at the top of the rap game. You almost ruined my life by doing so. I do enjoy your flows but every once in a while I miss Tupac. And someone must be responsible for that void in my life.

Then you went and joined the illuminati. (What ever that is) I saw some pot-head on YouTube explaining how you were in a secret society and that meant it wasn’t the fact that I kept showing up to interviews two-hours late and drunk that was to blame for my lack of a job. It was you and the illuminati. Unfortunately, there wasn’t an illuminati box on my welfare application so I was denied. That was your fault too.

I forgive you Willie Lynch, whoever you are. Until I heard about you, I thought my cousins kept stealing from me and lying about it because they were just bad people. But no, it was you, Willie. You made them do it. And when I turned my back on all my family it wasn’t either of our faults, it was you, Willie. I was just about to thank you for clearing all that up but after we reconciled and I explained and showed them all your letter, my family got into a huge slapping melee. Slap, slap, slap…  My head still hurts at random times behind that.

I forgive Daddy for hooking up with my mom. She is kinda fine, so I understand why you had to hit that. And then, I know she’s hard to deal with. So hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. And I get it. You hardly ever have any money now (because of Jay-Z and Willie Lynch) so I know there was no way to expect you to buy rubbers back then. So here I am. And here you are, so broke you can’t even afford to spend time with me. No worries! I’ll just get my drink on and do some gang bangin’ cuz.

I also forgive you, The Police, for your constant harassment of me. You got all these rules like you’re concerned for my welfare or something. Always trying to look for my weed. I forgive you for taking me to jail instead of listening to my sob stories. Even though I knew I was telling you an original lie, you showed me I was only lying to myself. I forgive you for that too. I wasn’t ready for no dramatic self-realization.

Since I forgive you all, you are no longer as necessary in my life. I will go one listening to your music like you were any other musician. You no longer have the power to brainwash me and make me act real niggerish when I find myself in Paris. I will no longer be a slave to capitalism. I will no longer allow myself to use and be used by my own family. I am no longer lost and empty, trying to fill the voids in my life with liquor and fake relationships. I love you all. I may even start obeying the law now that I see those rules weren’t made just to pick on me.

So, in the spirit of appreciation and not that of regret, thank you. It was nice knowing you all. If we are in each other’s lives beyond this point, our relationships will be entirely different. No more blame games. You will merely be a talented rapper/businessman, a desperate example of the worst of the free market, a loving family member, my community protector and just some guys who talk too much and you will either be in my life or not and it won’t change me one bit.

I love you all but you are no longer in charge of my life. I don’t have that much time for you anymore. I will from now on be too busy living. Period.

Goodbye. Good luck with ALL your bullshit.

FYI – I do believe Jay-Z is a good rapper/businessman. I have a good relationship with my father; he is in fact one of my best friends.

On amore serious note, it is my duty to inform all that while your life may have some huge problems, there is no one to blame but yourself. And I wouldn’t even suggest giving your self a hard time about it. I write an adult blog and I expect to be talking to only adults. So I can say, as adults, we are all responsible for ourselves. One of the main parts of being responsible means living without excuses.

There is so much I can say about excuses. In short, living without excuses means we will not be conspiracy theorists anymore. I don’t believe in coincidence. But that doesn’t mean correlation or causation. There was no Willie Lynch and even if there was, his life has nothing to do with your current laziness. You’re just lazy. No one forced any of my family members to be assholes, they just are.

The police and snitches get paid to find, catch and tell on people when they are doing wrong. You are doing wrong. If you chose to stop doing wrong, the police would be no more than direction givers and traffic directors. But you choose to do wrong so your life reflects that choice and ALL that comes with it. Your absentee parent is not a ninja who sneak s into your bedroom and steals all your rubbers, forcing you to become a naked-dicker. You just are.

You chose this life so far and you are free to choose otherwise as soon as you let other people stop driving.

Take control of your life and stop blaming others. I believe in a mighty God. He is so much bigger than racism, sexism, capitalism, haterism, Hovism, tattle-tale-ism or any other –ism you can come up with.

For every excuse/conspiracy you can come up with, I have one answer. Choice. You can choose God or the bullshit. Take your pick.

What I Learned In Church: Prison

This is from a bible study in prison. We learned quite a bit that can be used by anyone seeking God. This is just one bit: 

“I Wanna Be Free”

It’s called an emotional heart attack. We get so overwhelmed with “The Drama” of life that we panic. It may not be as severe as a panic attack or an anxiety attack so we ignore the fact that we are acting out.

Samson had one. He was constantly turned against by his own people. It seemed like nothing he did was good enough. He could always turn to God but after a while, he got tired of not having someone human to talk to. So he turned to Delilah. I always thought she was his wife or girlfriend. But she was neither. He had a wife. And they don’t suggest that their relationship was any more than her being a shoulder to lean on. It doesn’t even seem like she set out to set him up. She just had a stronger allegiance to her people than to him. She could have been anyone. She could have been a homeboy from the other side of town. She could have been a coworker having a drink with you after work.

Today, in our lives, pressures build up and our emotions beat us up. We run to the wrong people, bad habits, old sins for help. Sometimes we find ourselves unloading ourselves on the first person who will listen without even considering who we are talking to.

Again, I must reiterate, that I’m not talking about panic attack levels. So many of us have so much baggage AND we are so used to taking the path of least resistance that one bad day at work can lead us to talking to the wrong person, firing up a cigarette after ten years, cussing, sleeping around or even just flirting with ideas you turned your back on long ago.

At the extreme, people claimed to have “Snapped”, they say they “Couldn’t Make It Anymore”. “They let me out of prison and I walked right into another one”. But that’s the extreme. You read that and say to yourself – I would notice if it gets that bad. But what about when you’re just a little bit more uncomfortable than you usually are.

In prison the stakes seem a little higher. Physical freedom is the focus. But whether or not you are in prison, - the real prison is the one inside ourselves. If we don’t get free inside ourselves, we’ll end up right back in prison or locked up on the outside

Prison is a walking cemetery, and so is “life” until we decide to change.

When we put our hope inside God’s hope, we are free. “Walketh not in the counsel of the un-Godly” (Psalms 1:1-3) The counsel of the un-Godly is not just a bunch of hoodlums on the corner. The counsel of the un-Godly is anything you turn to to relieve stress that is not God.

It’s easy if the un-Godly things in your life are people. CUT THEM LOOSE! Forgive them and let them go! …or the other way around if the situation requires.

But when they are things, we tend to let them become Delilah and weasel their way into a prominent position in our lives. It’s not always the hard stuff. It’s TV. It’s playing golf. It’s Facebook. It’s whatever we do to avoid dealing with ourselves and instead of seeking God.

And I’m not saying they are bad. I sure as hell ain’t getting off Facebook. It’s just being careful to not replace God with distractions. In ALL things, we should seek God. It’s sad to allow ourselves to be distracted by anything. And it’s potentially destructive to put anything in a Delilah position in your life. Most times God is available right inside our ordinary lives. We just don’t seek Him. When we look at our average everyday life we don’t see God. We see a rut.

Seeking God is an exercise (and I use that word exercise on purpose) in endurance. It is believing long after we got tired of believing. It’s holding on to our marriages. It’s staying focused on our real brothers and sisters. Staying vigilant lasts a little longer than a staring contest.

Hang in there, even if you get sidetracked. (Ephesians 2:1-5 ) There is a promise. (Genesis 22:16) God wins in the end.

The Natural Man

26 Natural Man

            We are born to sin. It’s in our nature… Tell that shit to God.

(St. Peter with a trap door) – “We want you to talk to another one of our angels. Stand over that square over there please. Yes. Right there…”

            Something was a little off with dude. When I met him, he was cool. We spoke a little. He was into the Bible. He told me about the prayer circle. There was something else underneath, though. He was a little negative ALL the time. He was always crying about something. It took nearly a month for it to all come out but when it did, I finally got it.

            I keep my mouth shut to avoid arguments but I always side with the guards, no matter what. (In jail/prison, all inmates are supposed to be against the guards, no matter what.) This time in jail is our opportunity to develop habits which will make us better citizens when it’s time to go home. The guards take it upon themselves to instill discipline in addition to the routine. Each of us has a different idea about discipline. Why should I take their attempt at positivity personal? What better models for NOT going to jail do we have anyway?

            Dude took it personal.

I waited until the next time he did it to engage him. “He treat us like kids” We are kids. We are children of God in the developmental stage. And more to the point, our immaturity led us here. “I’m a grown ass man.” [If you must remind people… Obviously… No… No. SMH] This is his attempt at giving us the discipline we need.  Everyone in here, innocent or guilty, is in here because of lack of discipline. “We all sinners. He sin too.” But he’s disciplined enough to stay out of here and seek salvation elsewhere. We are all sinners but we don’t have to stay that way. “It’s in our nature to sin. We can’t shange.”

            Ah ha!

            So there it was. A natural man. A man driven purely by ego. That explains all the crying. The complaining. The self-absorbedness without self awareness. The self serving without self control. The over inflated sense of self with complete lack of self esteem.

            That is the Natural Man. The Natural Man is completely ego driven, utterly impulsive, very animalistic, often misled, totally insecure and vulnerable; and completely unaware of any of this. Eckhart Tolle in The New Earth and my friend Kobe actually sum it up succinctly.”The ego is a liar”

            Kobe actually called it the subconscious. The ego runs the subconscious. The ego does all the lying. As well, the ego does all the covering up for the lies and the ensuing shortcomings

            Contrary to popular opinion a large ego is not connected to a healthy or high self esteem. In fact, a large ego will kill self esteem and tell you everything is better than fine, it’s great! The ego’s main concern is comfort. View the natural reaction to change. The ego tells you to reject change. As far as growth, the ego will make some concessions to stimulate growth. SOME. In fact, the natural man never fully matures. He simply readjusts his comfort zones.

            The natural man is, in short, a big baby. He may pay bills. Maybe he goes to work. The natural man can seem normal. It is only when you get to motivations that the ego’s role become more apparent. In jail/prison, among a larger selection of unsophisticated individuals, the motivations are laid bare. Now it is easier to read and relate the behavior of the natural man. In sophisticated society, men and women can hide behind facades. There is not of that in jail/prison. Just ego, out in the open.

            Let me assuage the emotional, twitter readers. When I say inmates are very animalistic, that is to say their behavior is not very far evolved from animals. I am not referring to violence but more so to violent mood swings.

            Inmates prove the perfect specimen like a one celled amoeba or mendels flowers for genetic study. There are so few variables to consider. Assuming Darwin was right, welcome to the monkey house! There is some home training, but the priorities are low. Eat, sleep, shit, smoke and jack. Bathing is optional. Again it’s a comfort concession of the ego. Natural men who can’t smell themselves may be guilted into bathing but smoking, horseplay and talking shit take priority.

            Conversations are very telling. Lack of sophistication makes ego very apparent. No one asks for anything right out. The ego can’t stand rejection so every request is prefaced with another question. “Are you going to eat that?” Only when the reqest is certain to be granted will it be made outright. Even then, it may not be in the form of a question. “Let me get that”

            In here, we witness the irresponsible and irresponsive. Most inmates are innocent. The admittedly guilty (drug dealers/addicts) still place blame on others. “My dumb ass girl let the cops search the house.” “[insert any county/police organization] is fucked up. They be all smelling drugs and searching (finding two ounces sitting in the passenger seat like a person with the seatbelt on.) everything.” There is no forethought. Plans are always forgotten in favor of immediate gratification or dwelling on how fucked up the police are for fighting crime and criminal behavior. Reactions are immediate, universal and, of course, ego driven.

            Everything is personal. Since the ego is fragile, Natural Men are equally fragile. Every slight discomfort is an overt effort by “the cops”/deputies to hate. Some of my religious brothers call if The Devil. When the deputy takes away your contraband he’s hating, even though he previously explained he’s trying to teach you to follow the rules, even though he could have punished you severely. “That’s just the devil trying you.” Natural men don’t suffer as groups either. Dorm meetings are full of grumbles – “Why you telling me? Tell that/those niggahs.”

            Let me come back to the natural man statement – “It’s in our nature to sin. We can’t change that.” The Natural Man has the end all be all excuse. It would seem.

            So let’s look at the nature of sin

            In the beginning, there was no sin. There was only one rule in Eden. Don’t eat of the Tree of Good and Evil. Just like diplomatic immunity, being a citizen of one country you can’t be expected to be aware of the obscure law of another country. That, of course, is not a defense of crime anymore due to abuse of that loophole and treaties that followed. It just goes to show – you will be responsible for what you know and only for what you know. If you know nothing, you can be responsible for nothing.

            The knowledge of good and evil brought more than just that knowledge. It brought the responsibility for that knowledge. Knowledge of good and evil and the ensuing responsibility are both a gift and a curse. The curse was obvious. Sin, and it’s consequence, was introduced to the world. Adam and Eve were kicked out of Eden and sorrow and pain were introduced to man’s existence.

            For most people the story ends there, with the curse. And Natural men are the extreme of this paradigm. But read it again. Knowledge of GOOD and evil. There’s a blessing in everything. If you can see that in jail, you can see it anywhere. I went inside those walls prepared to accept a punishment and walked out with a reward. The gift was knowledge, wisdom and understanding all of which we can use to choose between good and evil or right and wrong. We were already created with free will. Now we have the responsibility of making a choice. Knowledge of good and evil meant a choice between good and evil.

            Assuming we evolved from animals, the analogy still holds true. Not only did we develop arms legs and lungs but also intellect. We acquired knowledge. We began to think. We even think about thinking. As such, we still developed the knowledge of good and evil without the creation story. Therefore, evolution still develops for us a choice.

            That choice leads us to become the only animals blessed with the capability of changing our nature. We can be born and raised one way and ascend or descend to anything we choose. We can grow up believing one thing and come to believe the complete opposite or anywhere in between. A worker bee can never bee queen, likewise a queen cannot become a drone. But common man can become King and king can renounce/lose his throne and live a peasant’s life.

            At this stage of human development, it should be simple to change. Unfortunately change is up there higher than public speaking as fears go. The ego will fight hard, tooth and nail, for its comfort zones.  ‘Don’t move to a new town’ ‘You don’t know anyone there. Stay here’ ‘You’re too old to go back to school/to start over’ ‘You’ve been smoking too long to quit’ ‘Withdrawal is painful’ ‘I’m too young to  be married’ ‘Marriage is hard’

            The Natural man calls it staying happy and free. The prototypes are The Nature Boy Ric Flair, Hugh Hefner, Frank Sinatra, The Playboys… He develops a lifestyle that doesn’t promote any growth but is completely comfortable. No matter how macho a natural man comes off, his ego is deeply afraid. Change is coming and it will ruin ego’s pre-established comfort patterns. The natural man is completely unaware all this is going on. He is proud to have a huge ego. It’s warm and cuddly like the womb.

            Without presence of mind we are ruled by our natures aka ego. Knowledge of self kills ego. Hidden within ourselves are hopes and dreams and aspirations. Hidden deep down is change and growth. Not only perspective but a complete paradigm shift comes from listening to something other than ego. Freedom and happiness take on new meaning.

            Presence of mind makes us responsive instead of reactive. We can begin to consider some of the dumbness that comes out of our mouths. “That’s just how I feel.” “I can’t change.” “That’s just me.” We question our motivations. Eventually, we can catch stupidness before it leaves our mouths.

            Truly responsive men will replace ‘grown ass’ natural men. These new men will realize being born into sin only means there is an option. Responsible individuals can choose not to sin. We are born into sin. It’s in our nature. The natural man can tell that shit to God.

            I can envision St. Peter standing at the gates – “Oh really? Born sinning? In your nature? Why don’t you talk to another one of our angels? Just wait over there over that square…” (Trapdoor Sounds)

Natural Men, you’ve been warned…

Good luck with that shit!

            Natural men are the extreme. I only use them to explain behavior that is apparent in ALL of us. After I get rid of the natural men, I’m coming after the rest of you. We must put aside our egos completely if we want to evolve into our better selves. Egos will and must be eradicated in order for our world to not only survive but flourish.

           

            Remember you have a choice, always! And don’t despair if you make the wrong one. By the grace of God and the power of choice, you’ll get another chance. Keep choosing!

Step 8

I may never fully submit to the rules of AA but they are on to something. Their system of recovery and support is a marvel of simplicity. Like many, many religions, for others, it works. Why ask why? No need to rock the boat. And they are not at all pushy about it. Got to love an ideology that’s not all up in your face.

I have my own higher power and he led me to a freedom similar, if not greater, to that found with AA. I can never give up power to any earthly thing. That only put me at odds with Step one. Then I read A Hunger For Healing. Let’s just say I can’t live in the flesh anymore so I submit to my higher power. In fact, within my own spiritual journey, I am working all the steps. Plus I’m writing a book. (Plug!)

Right now, I want to focus on steps eight, nine and twelve. I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve hurt.

One in particular, stands out. Twice, my actions have caused great hurt to my friend in a way I vowed never to do very early in our relationship. Only now do I realize the devastating harm I have caused by going back on my word. After all this time I pray my friend can forgive me and allow me to make amends.

As a result of my new awakening, I must share with others so they can avoid situations like this. And if they have been in situations like this, hopefully they can make amends. Likewise, I am doing this in order to make my own amends with all parties involved. If I am lucky, they will allow me to do so.



The following is background and apology…



It was fall of 2000 or spring 2001. My mojo was blazing. I was in New Orleans. Part time student, full time party animal. The House was off the chain. The rules were simple. You cross the threshold, you have a shot. Tuesday, Sunday, Wednesday, Day or Night, studying or time for work, it didn’t matter. You obey the rules. The House even had a room specifically designated for fucking. It was called – wait for it…

The Fuck Room! The Fuck Room had it’s rules posted on the door.

This was my life. School became what I did between the last party and the next.

One day I decided to go to a poetry reading. I wrote poetry. I wanted to assess the quality of my fellow poets.

That night I fell in lust. A goddess approached the mic. I had seen her before. She was an earth chick, somewhere between Erykah Badu and Jill Scott but finer. Her long flowing skirts, head wraps and beautiful face was enough. Then she spoke. Her voice was poetic, lyrical, sultry, southern, rhythmic and just lovely. Her words were deep, sexy, intensely sexual, spiritual and moving. And her name was –


-Lovely.
I had to have her.

I quickly did my stalking AKA info-gathering thing. It was serendipity. She was friends with a friend of mine. My friend knew me and how I rolled. And my friend was cool. I knew she would hook it up.

One day after Lovely had just walked away from my friend. I hurried to my friend and delivered my now classic line. I cannot share the line. It is too powerful and dangerous in the wrong hands. All I can say is that, most of the time, it works all the time.

Two days later. I got a call from Lovely. The line worked. It’s a conversation piece so we conversated. I was charming in my most Sinatra-ish way, martini glass in hand and all. RIP killer!

She was a real winner. While I was having my way with words, she was enchanting me further. I talked some shit. She backed it up and then some! She had to come to The House – ‘mmediately! Right now! I mean then. (Now that I’m writing this, and remembering things, I mean now too! Right now!)

She came – straight to my room. I had to see what she was talking about. I saw. Wow! Goddess! Soft, Wet, Firm, I can’t say more. Everything was perfect.



Except me.



Let’s just say I had crossed the threshold of The House (see above) quite a few times that day. While it had never been a problem before, I would find soon out just how much of a problem it could be. Very soon.

It was over before it started. For me. For real over! There was nothing poetic, sexy, sultry or rhythmic about it. My pump number was broken. Badly. It was devastating. I would have been demoralized then if she hadn’t given me another shot. (As bas as it was, I needed fifty more shots) She gave me one. She would be back. I went to the kitchen and crossed the threshold one more time (or three).

I was re-demoralized. She came back. She saw The Fuck Room sign. It was another conversation piece. We talked. I touched. We were ready. I was done.

That made TWICE! TWICE! I was in my early twenties and already I had broken my promise. Devastatingly so. I let a goddess walk into and out of my life WAY too quickly. WAYYYY too quickly. SMH

I just drank it off. It may not have happened ever again. (What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) but this…

This was just too premature. I never thought anything like this would happen this early. I just hope it’s not too late to apologize.

I would like to apologize to for breaking my promise. I said it would never happen and I did it to you twice. It was all my fault. My debauchery caused you to suffer. For that I am truly sorry. If you allow me and if I still have my way with words I will make amends.

I am sober. I am stronger. I got my sexy back. The only thing left is to officially say – Penis, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for gving you The Drunk Dick.



If you and all parties involved are willing, I am totally prepared to make amends…




Macbeth Act 2 Scene 3 “Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance: therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to, and not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.”

[Drunk Dick is serious (not as serious as Drunk Pussy) If you or anyone you know suffers from Drunk Dick immediately admit your shortcomings. Repent, seek forgiveness and do your best to make amends as soon as possible. The sooner the better.]

This is in no way endorsed by AA. I respect AA and all the work it’s done. Alcoholism is serious. If you are over 30 and still partying like a rock star (Charlie Sheen), get help. AA may be the place for you. They’re ready when you are.

STEP 8 – DRUNK DICK

What I Learned From WikiLeaks

I wrote this almost a year ago. I just now got to typing it in. It was right on time. 

            I heard about the WikiLeaks scandal but didn’t get a chance to read about what happened. Today, March 31, 2011, I read about the man responsible.

            Now that’s faith! He’s gay in the military. He’s been a vocal atheist all his life. But he believes in something – the truth. And that’s exactly the type of messenger God would use! Exactly!

            Faith is faith. Belief is belief. Actions speak louder than words. One man’s faith is changing the world. And he doesn’t even know Jesus. I know Jesus! I know a bunch of Jesus’, I helped a few get green cards. But that important one? What have I given him?

            How many of us would give our freedom for the truth? How many of us would even risk getting cussed out for the truth? The faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. What do we really believe in?

            How many times a day do we get our faith tested? Or are we still hiding from the world? Jump off the porch of get out of my house! We got some major spiritual warfare going on and right now I’d rather have a gay atheist on my team than a lot of you ‘Christians’.

            And yall want to rebuke Satan all the time… Please! Rebuke yo’self fool! Yall punk asses better get some faith AKA grow some balls and start fighting for some truth. EVERY DAY!!!

            Start fighting the small battles. The (am I fat?)’s. The (am I stupid for dating this married person)’s. Let’s see you win some of those fights before you start talking tough. #fixyourownbullshit.

            We do have some huge battles ahead. For now let’s focus on getting ready and staying ready. Practice. Pray. Repeat. Each day. Every day!

            Practice keeping it 100. Start with yourself. Practice acting on faith, not fear. Keep drilling. Keep training until you are a mountain of truth until you are a powerhouse of faith.

            My brother said anyone can remember some numbers out of a book. And I’ve heard of and met atheists who can quote more bible verses than any “Christian”. But who dares to live the life we pay lip service to every day?

            Thank God for sending Bradley Manning to remind us what faith can do. Any faith. Imagine what ours can do!

Letter to Stormy

Excuse me miss. If you don’t mind, I just want to talk to you for a minute. I saw you last night at the movies. I know you were with your boyfriend. I was out there after the movie when you two started arguing. I was awestruck when he started choking you and telling you to shut up. When he told you he hated you I thought it was over then. I would have approached you then but you two left together.

            I have to tell you how beautiful you are. I couldn’t get you out of my mind after that. I have to say something now. I usually leave girls with boyfriends alone but last night was like a cry for help. I want to help. I want to show you there are better men out there. I am one of them and, if you let me, I can be better than him.

            I went home and stayed up all night thinking –“why did you leave with him?” It came to me early in the morning. Obviously, you must not think there is anything better out there. So, you see, I had to approach you. Here I am! I’m better. Can’t you tell?

            Just look at my hands. Can’t you see the difference? If he is what you like, let me upgrade you. If you can’t see it now, just give me a try. You don’t even have to decide now. Keep me a secret and see us both for a short while. It won’t take long anyway for you to see I’m better.

            Oh what lovely skin! Give me some time alone with you to show you. By the time we can go out in public together, I’ll have you convinced. Then when the world sees us… it’ll be obvious you made the right choice. You chose the better man.

            If you liked that, you’ll love me. And if you loved him, you’ll worship me. Just say the word. I’ll show right now if you like.

            Trust me. It’ll be beyond anything you’ve ever experienced

You ready?

Good!

Let’s go…

… See! I told you! How did you like that? Don’t say a word. I know you’re still in shock. Rest your pretty little head. You’ll need it. The best is yet to come.

            Is that shock?

            I bet you thought no one could ever touch you like he did, let alone be better. Was that the quickest you’ve ever blacked out? And that wasn’t even my best.

            I just wanted you to see how easy it is for me to do better than him. I dot all my eyes and cross all my T’s. Who walks around with one black eye? A loser that’s who. All my girls get two black eyes. And those wonderful teeth… we’ll make an exact replica now so we can be ready with new teeth whenever I slap all the taste out your mouth

            See what I saved you from. The mediocrity. The half assedness. Everytime he apologized the next day and you forgave him. Forget those apologies. He can save that for his mama. It’s her fault anyway for raising a half assed niggah. But no worries! You’re with a winner now baby!

            Are you glad I rescued you from that situation? He couldn’t keep up. Once I saw his half assedness and I saw that you liked that, I knew you deserved more. I’m so happy to be the one to give you more than you ever wanted. And I’m going to give you so much more. If we are going to continue this we need to handle some paper work first. That way we can handle those pesky people who think I’m abusing you. We’re just expressing our love, our way. So here is a consent form. And you may want to consider a will (with me in it of course). After all, I love hard.

The previous anecdote was based on a real event. A girl named Stormy got choked in front of a crowd of her peers. We were in high school. I found out through the grapevine that she stayed with her boyfriend at the time. I was shocked and heartbroken.

Years later I realized that was not an isolated incident. Domestic violence has grown seemingly exponentially since I was in high school. The numbers among high school students are discouraging. Something must be done now.

                         Although I made light of the situation, I abhor domestic violence. Men and women who think violence is the way to express love are sad. It is my hope that my parody will entice women and men to discuss these issues open and honestly.

This is a serious serious issue. If you know someone in an abusive relationship

Talk to them. These are not the relationships we need to stay out of. Quite the opposite, instead of gossiping about everything else that goes on, we must direct our energy at ending abusive relationships.

            People who know me know how passionate I am and how involved I will get when faced with abusive relationships. That passion needs to be spread. This is one cycle I will break even if I have to bust some knee caps to do so.

Please help.

Talk.

Fight abuse.

Most of all, Love, each other and yourselves – Jerry Springer.

God’s Will Be Done

Today, for the first time, I realize the extent of God/Jesus’ Love. I knew God/Jesus Loved me always. I knew Jesus died for me. Today I put the two together. The entire crucifixion was done out of Love. It didn’t matter whether or not people saw/accepted that Love. That was pure Love.

            I’ve always said I’m not a Christian, I am Christian. Christian meaning Christ-like. I’m on the right path. I’m just realizing how far I have to go.

Here I am surrounded in life and in jail by people who need my Love. I almost missed the opportunity to give it. And it was all around me.

            So I’ll stop complaining. I’ll start thanking God for my strength. I’ll ask God to forgive the weak. I hope one day, they seek their own justification.

            Today, I have mine.

            Thank You God!

            What a wonderful day.

Chasing The P: Monique

Chasing The P: Monique

            Chasing the P (sex) has led me on some A LOT A TON of adventures. A TON. The adventures of Marcus and I alone could fill a book. A TOME! But the more interesting stories are the ones that led me to unexpected places. The stories within a story are the ones I like most. And there is one in particular.

            I’ll share it now

Monique

It was 2003. I had just gotten back to Los Angeles from New Orleans. That party was NOT over! My boy Seth was promoting. I was there. Seth and I had been clubbing free for years, since 1996. That’s another story. Focus!

The crew that night was Seth, Greg, Kevin and I. Seth was always the DD back then. We all piled in Greg’s dually wheeled Chevy. The place was Sky Sushi aka Hoodrat Heaven. Loose women galore! That night was special. Someone important in Baldhead Productions had died. We were toasting Billy Jack all night.

Kevin had just turned 21 so he was still a lightweight. A month earlier I had gotten him so drunk, he threw up on his brand new Jordans, which were still inside a shoebox at the time. I intended on keeping an eye on him. We go hard but we don’t do throw up.

I ended up chasing Kevin from bar to bar cutting him off. He’d been on Adios Motherfuckers two at a time all night. I was just waiting on him to fall down any moment anyway. It was time to hunt P anyway He found one last bar in VIP. He juked me and made his way towards the bar cutting across the dance floor. Kevin (Little Kevin, there was no big Kevin) is at least a foot smaller than me and very slim. He swam through the crowded dance floor like a snake through water. I on the other hand ended up running smack dab into a girl who immediately started grinding on me. I checked my watch. It was indeed time for the P. I said forget Kevin. “Let me see what’s up with the P” The way she was dancing said I might salvage something out of the night.I cupped a cheek and it was all systems go!

I did the obligatory name check. I was Jason. She was slurring or it was too loud to catch, so I invited her to the couches on the balcony so we could talk. Also, the light was better. I wanted to see what I was working with. I took a step to lead her in that direction and immediately realized I had been holding her up the whole time. She dropped STRAIGHT to the floor. STRAIGHT DOWN! In all my years of drinking and seeing people fall down, no one fell that quickly or directly to the ground.

If only the panties dropped that quick… only the panties! She dropped with the panties still on.

“Oh shit! This bitch done died!”

I picked her up quickly so no one would think I killed her. I carried her to the same couches where I intended to make my move. Instead of sitting down with her and instigating the stimulating conversation I’m known for, I plopped her ‘dead’ body across the corner of the couch. I hoped to be able to prop her up in the corner.

I got her name out of her. Not one the most coherent conversations. IT took quite a while for just a name. I couldn’t get a friends name. Someone had to rescue me from this. I didn’t drive. I could barely get her name. How would I find out where she lived even if I could get her home. So I went to the DJ for help. He gave her a shout out for her friends. No one responded. Panic started to set in. The club was closing and this girls was lost. She couldn’t come with us. I was on a P mission and my mom told me not to try drunk girls. She said they would just throw up on me. And, as hardheaded as I am, I had already learned on my own by this time.

She saved herself from being left on the couch by saying she remembered where her car was parked. Thank God. I would have to carry her down the loooonnnnng stairs and two blacks around the corner. Did I mention the loooonnnnnng escalators the only way in and out AND they were turned off? I passed Seth on the way out.

“Come on! We been looking for you. We’re out of here.”

“Just give me a minute to walk her to her car.”

“Fuck that drunk bitch. We’re leaving you.”

“Leave then. Fuck it. I’ll walk!”

The car was not that far. Luckily her friends showed up just as we did. Her purse was safe. I was a hero. A bunch of thank yous from the friends. I turned red. But I had to go catch Seth and Greg.

I didn’t have to go too far to get to where the Dually was parked. Unfortunately, they were gone. I called Greg. I could barely hear him over the noise. They were at another party or Jerry’s (it turned out to be Jerry’s).

“Tell old girl to drop you here”

“I already left them. Don’t trip”

I walked.

Fatigue had set in. I had a weird, wild, looong night. I was on Fairfax and Santa Monica. It was nearly a straight shot home. Unfortunately, Los Angeles is not a 24 hour city. The busses had just stopped running. Cabs don’t come to cell phones. I had no address to tell them. So I walked.

The initial plan was to walk to an address. But leaving from the more conservative edge of West Hollywood, going through the Yiddish part of town to my side of town at three in the morning, no such luck.

It was nine miles. It took two hours. I started out mad. But by the time I got home I was good. I did a good thing. I did tell my boys to leave me. I was non the owrse. I crashed out.

That was just the intro. This story ain’t over.

Six months later, I had moved out and got a house with Greg. Pure bachelor pad. We each had waterbeds. (So throwback) The kitchen had a bar in it. The living room had a pool table. Focus.

One night Greg and I went out with my Immaculate Heart’s home girls. (another book). We stopped at someone’s apartment to meet up. A girl was there I’d never seen before. I had action! It was a satellite friend. Not wanting to be obvious I went into sniper mode. Maybe I could pick her off while no one was looking. She was slim. I was into that at the time. And then, like Rich Boy, God threw some Ds on that girl! Whew! I had to have her.

She started complaining about her boyfriend. Same story. He ain’t shit. She don’t know why she puts up with his bitch assedness. He wants to live together but ain’t got no job. Blah Blah Blah…

I wanted to say - Stop complaining. You either like him or you don’t. He either ain’t shit or he is. I was tired of girls saying what they want and choosing the opposite. Dump him or shut up.

It was time to drink.

In fact, Shallona did say that. She stopped talking about him after that. We just went out and had fun. Greg and I ended up riding with Shallona and her. They dropped Greg and I home. We dropped cards on them. Greg and I were players.

I ended up getting a call from Monique a day or two later. Greg left something in her car. She’d be happy to bring it over. Greg was gone. I was home alone. Monique came. (wink) I invited her to stay a while and chill. She agreed. We played cards and talked.

She was a teacher. Teachers are hot. She lived with her parents in Pasadena. I was right off the 110. She didn’t have anything to do that Saturday. Her boyfriend played basketball in a grown up park league. She didn’t like to go there. She felt like he was cheating on her with some of the girls there. The girls liked to get in her face. I’m sure he was. The girls were just rubbing it in her face. I can spot a cheater halfway around the world.

I offered her a drink. She said she didn’t drink much. She had a wild experience at a club. My ears perked up! I like drunk stories. And maybe there was a freak underneath. So I asked. She just said she drank too much and didn’t remember how she got home. Apparently her homeboy had died and they were in funeral mode AKA a lot of liquor. I’d been there. Maybe she needed to talk and I could get her to open up the freak. So we talked. I finally asked who died.

“Billy-Jack”

“Billy-Jack?”

“Were yall at Sky Sushi?”

“Yes”

“I walked home from there that same night”

“Really? You were there?”

“Yeah I helped a girl to her car and lost my ride.”

I told he all about that night. I started with little Kevin and as I was telling her about the girl, we both realized she was the girl. She filled in her part.

She had staggered out of VIP where the liquor was REALLY flowing. She didn’t remember what she drank only that there were lots of glasses of it. She had asked her girlfriend who I was. Unfortunately, I didn’t have my cards back then. Her friend had to tell her about me. Homegirl made me sound like a knight in shining armor.

I looked into her eyes. I had her. One problem. I didn’t do girlfriends. She didn’t do casual. I understood. Into the entourage she’d go.

It meant we’d be friends. We liked each other. Things just wouldn’t work. Carl Thomas was in order. Then I had a mission to steal her from her boyfriend without committing to anything. 5 years later, Dream sung the song and I felt nostalgia for Monique.

We really started hanging out. She told me all about Jesse. I listened. She met Jesse two weeks after the Sky Sushi episode. He pushed up on her tough. She fell for it. Her parents didn’t like him. His mother thought she was too good for him. I thought so too.

She told Jesse the Sky Sushi story including the update about us running into each other and hanging out. Jesse didn’t like that. They fought about her coming over. I guess she won. She still came over.

She wanted us to all hang out. I guess she wanted me to see what she saw in him. Or maybe, I was supposed to rub off on him. The ambition. The independence. Then she’d have it all. It didn’t work

She was afraid of Jesse. I began to think there was violence in their relationship. That got my blood boiling. I don’t do hitting women. Later, I realized he just played her like a violin. He was all talk. She was more afraid of the confrontation that would arise if she stood up for herself and left him. All the jaw jacking that would ensue. Sometimes people would rather a physical fight over being talked at.

Karen invited Greg and I to a hotel party with Monique and Jesse. Finally, I’d get to see him. I’d get to see the loser in person. On the way, Karen told us our names were Sean and Chris. Karen and Monique didn’t want any trouble. Whatever! I just wanted to see this loser up close.

The hotel was what I expected. A motel. The kind of place without a lobby, concierge or room service. The party was a gathering. That’s all that would fit anyway. There were only a couple of friends. Monique and Karen were the only girls. Being that Jesse lived with his mom, apparently, he and his friends just needed a place to smoke weed and chill. It was a sad scene

Greg and I came to drink. We drank what little they had. I may have had to hit my flask. Sitting there was excruciating. Monique couldn’t talk to me. We had good conversations. Karen was sticking to Greg and me. Jesse was smoking with his boys. Monique was left all alone. We were ready to leave quickly. We played it off for a while. We didn’t want to leave Monique. I didn’t want to leave her. Karen checked on her before we left. She was good. That was the life she chose.

Liberating a woman completely is a tough task. Any fool can convince a woman who’s into relationships to switch. What I was trying to do was get Monique to stand on her own. It was a test of endurance and patience. And if some P fell my way in the midst, that was good too! It took all of my focus. Any wrong step could damage her for life. I must admit that I damaged a few women with my rash choices. I wanted to be different so I did this different.

I almost had her. Day by day. Inch by inch. Drink by drink. I built her confidences up. Slowly she let her guard down. I was one step away from liberation when I gave up.

In the end, I chickened out. I was moving to Vegas soon so I let her off the hook. I can say why I really let her off the hook.

Monique was a woman who could be perfectly happy in the stability of a bad relationship. Who was I to change that? Maybe all the knight in shining armor talk went to my head. I chase P. End of story.

Jesse won. They’re married with a child now. She definitely ain’t going nowhere. He knows that. They have a regular L.A. working class life. They’re content.

My dad said he learned something from every woman he ever dated. I’d like that to be true for me too. I can’t say I dated Monique but we spent enough time together for me to learn something. (And she is a teacher)

I guess she showed me what kind of man I was. What I was capable of and what I would actually do. I loved her. She just wasn’t for me.

If I hadn’t let Monique off the hook, I’d have won. But what would I have won? I’d have let Monique be my girlfriend for as long as it took for the lie to catch us. I would have messed up, possibly damaging her irreparably.

At least this way, she can just be herself. God willing, she got enough confidence and independence from me make it work. Who knows? Time will tell…