Welcome To
Jail
Someone call the
Sheriff! The guards are treating the children wrong. They won’t le t the
children come out and play. They keep making the kids line up like they’re in
the army or some bull. Now they want the kids to sit still and stay silent.
Next, they’ll want them to go to sleep before midnight! I think we may need
Child Protective Services on this one. OMG!
I hope they come
soon. One of them just made the children make up their beds! The nerve! Trying
to introduce discipline to the undisciplined. Where they do that at?
So the C.P.S.
just told me to fuck off. Seriously! I thought the goal of C.P.S. was to
protect children from abuse, mental and physical. Just because these children
are prisoners. Just because they are legally considered adults. Can you believe
they said, “It’s jail! Deal with it.” I mean really.
What kind of
person can ignore such fragile people? They are crying out for help and no on
is answering. How could you pretend not to hear.?
C.P.S. says if
they encountered children this bad (they have), they would forget them and just
let them end up in jail (they did). So that’s it then. These are the forgotten
children. Children so bad their parents wish they could forget. But they are no
longer children. They are adults, suffering from years of neglect and poor
parenting. And no one told them. They have no idea. No idea. Should I? Should I
be the one to say it?
I guess I
should, since the babysitters don’t seem to care.
Children! Gather
round. I’ll be brief but I must tell you now.
You are
retarded. I mean that in the most literal way. Your psychoses have developed
unchecked for years and now you are mentally challenged. You can’t think. And
no one cared enough to tell you until now.
Left to develop
unguided, you are now nothing but ego. You have absolutely no self-awareness so
it is virtually impossible to see your sickness.
Let me get you a
mirror.
Welcome to Jail!
You are here because of what you’ve done, who you are, who you know or where
you reside. Because of what you have done or failed to do, you are now a guest
of the county or state. Bottom line, it’s your responsibility of lack thereof
that’s brought you here.
Let’s start
here, in this place you find yourself in currently.
You are now an
inmate. While you have a few (very few) rights, know that you have fewer rights
than any animal located within these borders. (Including rats) In fact there
are more members of PETA than all the prison/inmate advocacy groups combined.
You are also an adult, legally. While the lack of rights will have you feeling
like a child, there is no one available who will care for you in jail. No one.
In fact, your mama is probably happy for the break. She’s paying extra taxes
this year just to show her appreciation. She’s been tired of your two-pm waking
up ass for years now with no idea of what to do. We were happy to help. She’s
currently renting out your room to one of our correction officers. It’s a good
arrangement for both.
Because of you,
she can afford the extra taxes, the little change she may or may not put on
your books and she’s going on a cruise next week. If she does put money on your
books, it’s not because she feels bad for not giving you money before, she’s
paying you off to stay away. She wishes she’d have called crimestoppers along
time ago.
No you are ours.
No worries.
We are ready for
you.
The easiest way
to bring someone back to reality is to destroy your comfort zone. That is our
goal from the minute you enter our doors.
The holding tank
is your last chance to find someone will to put up with your bullshit. Good
luck!
No luck?
Wonderful!
Welcome!
Have a seat on
the stainless steel (Or stained wood-blood/piss stains) benches while we get
your cell ready. It should only take five or six hours. What’s that? A hold up?
Scratch that five or six hours. Just give us a few minutes… Now, we have it right! It will now only be
two or three days. We need to make sure your paperwork is thorough. We wouldn’t
want to lose you. (Tehehe) Plus, we ordered out. We wouldn’t want to get hot
wing sauce on your paperwork. You’re in no rush anyway. Take a few more minutes
to say good-bye to your clothes and any memory of the outside world.
You dressed in?
That is, are you out of your clothes and into our uniform? (Some version of
pajamas you will wear 24 hours a day for as long as we can keep you here.)
How’s your back? Not completely destroyed yet? You can still squat and cough
then? Go ahead. Thanks! You are now tagged and bagged. You’re officially an
inmate now.
Let the fun
begin!
Now let’s
determine what type of inmate you are. Please answer and keep in mind these
questions have absolutely nothing to do with your classification. We’ve already
judged you we’re just killing time now.
By now, nothing
but peanut butter should have you ready for some real food. How about some
grits, pasta, hot dogs, rice and gravy, corn dogs, Italian sausage, and buckets
of Kool-Aid? (Actual buckets) Sound good? Yep. Taste good? Not so much. At
least you can watch an endless parade of food commercials so you can remember
real food. Ahhh, the memories…
If you’re with
us long enough, you may actually start to like this stuff. Maybe even look forward
to it.
So now that
you’ve settled in, lets examine how you’re going to spend this time with us.
You got options.
You can spend
the time thinking about all the time you wasted. Or you can waste more
How can you
waste more?
I knew you’d
choose option two! I give you “Free Time”!
During this time
you can mingle with you peers. You have ample opportunity to catch up on those
food commercials we know you love so much. And we’ve strategically scheduled
these times so you will not miss Jerry Springer. We have games for you and a
fake outside so you can breath fresh-ish air in possibly a sliver of sun. Sound
fun? It is!
Speaking of
Jerry Springer, we give you two options of listening level. (We love to give
you options.) You can either watch it inaudibly low or inaudibly high. What
better way to direct you attention to the pictures than by eliminating those
pesky words. Why do they talk on talk shows anyway? We know you been watching
Jerry Springer for 19 of your twenty years of life. You can surely tell what
each and every fight is all about by now.
If you can
locate them, we also provide a selection of books to read. Hopefully, you won’t
(OH! You will be staying a while?)…
Well…
We have books.
If you like to and can read, good luck. Welcome to Jail!
If hygiene is
your thing, we got that too. In a marvel of modern architecture and engineering
we’ve designed a crack in a corner in the middle of the room for you to bath
in. I know you’re quite used to these types of accommodations. So, shower away!
And if you can remember, please pick up your pubes so the next inmate can at
least pretend to be getting clean. (Oh you forgot? – and he… And it’s been
filthy for quite a while? Hmmm.)
Well…
We’ll have to
get someone to look at that. Perhaps your house man (Oh you don’t have one?)
Well…
Welcome to Jail.
Moving on.
At Least we can
keep the facilities clean. That is, we can provide you with cleaning supplies
to clean up behind yourself and/or the last bum who was in your cell/dorm.
Almost every day you can clean you cell
and the common area. (Huh?) (The mop bucket is filthy after only two rooms?)
Well…
I’m sure you can
still… (And the bleach is not bleach?)
Of course it’s not. That’s for your safety. (And you can’t get any
bleach if you don’t get it first?) Well have you talked to a guard about it?
(No response huh?) Can’t be that much dirt anyway. (There is? Wow! And the
guards won’t give you any more bleach?)
Hmmm…
Let’s talk about
the guards. We’ve provided you a reunion of sorts.
Due to security
issues and background requirements, we’ve hired some people you may know. The
very same “lame” losers you picked on years ago or last week are here to watch
you now. I’m sure they’ll do an excellent job. They seemed so happy to see you
again. I’m sure you have tons to talk about.
Comfortable yet?
No?
Feel like you’re
being punished?
Good!
Welcome to Jail!
