The Naked-Dick Chronicles

(Another Re-Post) This is one of my favorite words. One day I will repost the full definition of the word. [Or you can check it out here:  In the meantime...



Michael Baisden, Dr. Eric Michael Dyson, and Rev. Al Sharpton (or the lady who filled in for him) all talked about being single, dating outside your race, and the pressure of Valentines day. People gave all kinds of reasons why there was pressure to get married, date inside or out of the race and/or get a date for Valentines day. Everything from Willie Lynch (no really-Willie Lynch) to OJ (not really) to "over-education" to standards too high or too low. Over nine hours, only one person mentioned probably the most important quality in looking for a mate. Patience…

Why can't we wait? Naked dickers can't wait for rubbers. Serial daters can't wait for that right person. And we all end up hopping from person to person. Hoping, longing for someone, anyone. But we can't wait for THE one.

Do we really believe that it'll be that easy to find one person in 300,000,000 people in this country and 7 billion in this world? Do I need to add settling as an addictive behavior? Maybe we need a rehab for settlers. If the world was filled with more patient people, many of us wouldn't be here. I'd be willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of us all getting it right. (Yes, that's right. As a child of divorce I too am the result of two impatient naked dickers) It's rampant people!

70% of African American women have children out of wedlock. 50% of African Americans have herpes.

People.

There is just too much naked-dickin going on! Are you that pressed? I know its good. And yes, it definitely feels better. But where is the self control? Where is the vision? Or better yet, where is the commitment to our own dreams? Are we supposed to accept this as unchanging fact?

Sex is like any other vice. Like gambling, certain lesser drugs, drinking or whatever you may be into, it's not for everyone. Some people don't have the self control to to participate in these acts. Gambling addicts don't gamble, drug addicts and alcoholics admit they are powerless and struggle to quit. Some do it by choice. Some are court ordered. Naked dickin should be considered in the same breath as gambling addicts, alcoholics and druggies. Perhaps, we should court order the naked dickers to enter sex rehab. Admit they have no control over the pussy or dick. Submit to the higher power (Wilt Chamberlain) And quit having sex.

Naked dickin is for married people. Like Casinos are for old people. (Vegas is for the young and rich but all the rest goes to the retired.) Like drinking is for the grown and sexy.

I sense as you all are reading this, there is someone out there who feels like this is them. If you feel like this is you. You feel like a rampant naked dicker. It's not too late! Submit yourself. Come to the front of the church. The ministers will lay hands on you and pray for your privates. Be born again in the Magnum spirit. Wilt Chamberlain is looking down on you and he wants to heal your privates. 
Come on down and join us!

Let us pray…

What I Learned About Church People Almost a Year Ago

(THIS IS PART TWO READ THE PREVIOUS ONE!)
December 31, 2008 - Wednesday

What I learned in Church
Current mood: determined
Category: Religion and Philosophy
.Many times the weaker of us reflect on what their parents/family did wrong or didn't do right as an excuse for where they are now. It is easy to let the immediate past block us from reflection on our ancestors. All of us have a past that includes many wars, genocides, plagues or any one of a million disasters, which could have ended our family trees long ago. We are descendent of survivors, of people with the vision and good fortune to prepare a future for us. We all have a purpose, which often includes the visions of our ancestors. We honor them by, at the very least, never giving up.

And the answer to my "Church People" question comes as soon as I return to church. (I was prepared to cuss out all of my readers for not giving me the answers) See how good God is!

The answer is - family.

Christmas threw me off with the scriptures for the week. I didn't get to read them on my own so, let's do it with out them this time. This is more about us as a collective of individuals anyway. In fact lets explore family. From Webster's:

1fam·i·ly

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English familie, from Latin familia household (including servants as well as kin of the householder), from famulus servant

Date: 15th century

1: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : household

2 a: a group of persons of common ancestry : clan b: a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : race

3 a: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation : fellowship b: the staff of a high official (as the President)

4: a group of things related by common characteristics: as a: a closely related series of elements or chemical compounds b: a group of soils with similar chemical and physical properties (as texture, pH, and mineral content) that comprise a category ranking above the series and below the subgroup in soil classification c: a group of related languages descended from a single ancestral language

5 a: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children ; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family family> b: spouse and children family>

6 a: a group of related plants or animals forming a category ranking above a genus and below an order and usually comprising several to many genera bin livestock breeding (1): the descendants or line of a particular individual especially of some outstanding female (2): an identifiable strain within a breed

7: a set of curves or surfaces whose equations differ only in parameters

8: a unit of a crime syndicate (as the Mafia) operating within a geographic area

All this time the answer was right in front of my face. I have so many families. I have my real family (with little subsets with that), my work family, my MySpace family, My Facebook, my school, my local family, my Los Angeles fam, my New Orleans fam…

All of them have their distinct characteristics. I am tied to the members of each of those families by a common bond that is stronger than all the corruption and fakery that exists within ALL of my families. And I make an effort to be active or at least present in all of my families.

So what was my hold up with the one family which should have the strongest bond. I mean I could go through one through eight of the definition and only have trouble finding a connection using number seven. I can even do number eight! After all, I am catholic.

The way Deacon Chester described it is more simple: We may feel alone in the world for six days out of the week. On Sunday we know we can come "home" to our church family. We can feel safe within the confines of this gathering of like-minded individuals. In my church, that's actually one of the reasons I chose it. The uniformity of our worship ceremony is easily apparent and bonds us all together for an hour and a half.

So now that I want more, I guess I just deal with it the way I deal with all my other families. Learn who to deal with and who not to. The good thing about this church family is that when people try to latch onto me like they do in all my other families, at least they are people who are trying to live by a higher spiritual standard. If I have to dodge low-lifes anyway, it may as well be low –lifes who know how to pray.

Church People (From MySpace)

December 26, 2008 - Friday
(YOU HAVE TO READ THE NEXT ONE TOO!)

Current mood: cynical
Category: Religion and Philosophy


At the time of the 2004 indictment, Cross was teaching at DePaul University in Chicago.[7] On May 1, 2006, Cross pled guilty to fraud by embezzling millions of dollars in federal funds from the government and students.[8] She agreed to pay $11,000 to the Department of Education in restitution. Singh also pleaded guilty to one count of embezzlement.

The prosecutor, U.S. Attorney David Nahmias, made a somewhat exculpatory statement at their sentencing: "When the defendants arrived at Morris Brown, the college was already in serious financial condition. Thereafter, these defendants misappropriated ... money in fairly complicated ways in what appears to have been a misguided and ultimately criminal attempt to keep Morris Brown afloat."[3]





They (CBS 46, Atlanta) interviewed the wrong people. I had been struggling with missing the last few weeks of church and even on the recent weeks I did go, not being able to provide you all with an adequate blog.

As I was passing the TV in the living room, the news had an article about Morris Brown College closing down. I had to check it out. It turns out they had suffered from a recent loss of accreditation and embezzlement scandals. The enrollment was actually down to 107 students. Having gone to large and small schools – I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THAT. They owe an over $300K water bill! WTF

And who did they interview – Church People.

In a city FULL of mega-churches with billions of dollars at their disposal, a school (the only, ONLY originally black college in Atlanta) founded by and affiliated with the A.M.E. church is not only having problems, IT"S CLOSING! It owes SO many people SO much money. It has NO students. You mean to tell me I pay tithes so these "prophets" (or is it "profits") can have bigger buildings, bigger cars, and bigger jets and historic institutions can just fade away like dust in the wind.

So, speaking of all that, I was asking myself why I was so hesitant to make it to church lately. I like my church. I want to be more active in it. But then, when it is time to sign my name on the "Time and Talent" form, I freeze up. This past month has made my phobia clear.

I don't want to become a "church person"

Let me tell you about church people-



Everywhere I've ever worked the concurrent idiom has been – do not serve church people. Since I was 14, church people don't tip. They want the most for the least. And they are not liable for anything. AND THEN, I moved to Atlanta. The buckle of the Bible belt.

Let's disregard the plethora of whores, cocksuckers and, to use my step-mother's favorite word growing up, hoochies who I've encountered since moving here. I want to get to the essence of church people.

It starts with a pastor who works where I work. I had just gotten here and respected the title when my cousin told me one of the mechanics at my job was a preacher…



…to hell with that.

What I encountered was nothing less than an African pimp hustling men and women (MAINLY women) out of their money. This married man of God obviously only has eyes for the demons between the legs of the congregation. This is the only man I encountered this past year who did not so much hear the words coming out of the Obama camp as he did notice the "fitting" dresses Michelle Obama was wearing. Some how where I notice only men fix cars and men bring in their daughters and wives' and sisters' cars, his only clientele is only women. AND they are all his "sisters" who look nothing like him. I don't know who you've been around but Africans have strong features and princes and princesses carry their parents features proudly.

But let me leave the "Pimp in the Pulpit" for now (I could go on forever on that demon) and focus on the congregation.

I have lost count of "favors" we've done for various church members. They have all turned out bad. And a few do stick out:

* There was "The Pimp in The Pulpit's" member who left her car on the lot for months while we searched for a reasonable priced differential. I initially thought we were just trying to save the lady money. Come to find out, the active church member had been filing insurance claims from an accident that happened two years ago. And The Pimp was helping her defraud the insurance company AGAIN. I only found out because The Pimp and the customer had filed the claim without our knowledge and the insurance company called the office to inform me the claim was denied AGAIN. - To date, The Pimp is still trying to get the money from the insurance company because, of course, the customer hasn't paid him or us anything.
* There is another church member who has abandoned their car here for the ENTIRE three years I have worked here.

And then –

* A member of my boss' church, who had bought a car from us before, had a great job, all her paperwork, all the Is dotted all the Ts crossed. Traded in a car, gave us the title plus the full down payment (which most customers never do). We set her up to pay monthly (which WE never do). She paid three out of her five payments and fell off the face of the earth. All of our calls went to voicemail. That is until we sent her to Repo. Mere seconds after the Repo Company received out fax, the Repo man calls excited. He has been looking for our customer for over a year. She owed a title pawn company for the very car she traded in to us. They were more than happy to take our car back from her. Suddenly, she called us. She "intended on paying us off tomorrow. Why did we send her to repo?" Of course, we got the car. She actually came and paid it off the next day. But not before bringing two other church members to tell me how bad a person I was. And of course, they promised to tell the pastor about my boss.

In all these cases, these aren't just people who go to the church. These are board members, Sunday school teachers, nursery helpers, office workers…really, really involved members of different churches. I could go on and on with stories but I just wanted to use a few examples to show why I am confused about what it means to be a church person. And this is not to say ALL church people are bad. My mom is a faithful member of her church and a true Christian person. My step-mom is another true Christian. My brother's mom is an excellent Muslim woman. Speaking of which, I have noticed people of religions and sects misrepresenting their churches.

So the question is how do I become more active in my church and avoid all the BS of being a "Church Member"? Or better yet, how do I stand being around all the other "Church Members" once I do become more active in the church?
By the way, Morris Brown has alumni. However, if my Black College experiences are any indication, I know why these successful men and women have turned their back on their alma mater.

The college's alumni include military officers, actors, authors and civil rights leaders such as the late Hosea Williams. (AJC)