Church Sex
Church is the new speed dating. Church is better than Tagged, It’s better than Eharmony, It’s better than the club, And dare I say, it’s better than FB. And there IS sex. Lots of hot steamy sex.
I’m not exactly sure how it works but it does. Isn’t that the way church is anyway? No details. Just go and let the spirit move you. Remain open. Stay cool calm and patient. And let the blessings just rain down on you.
You don’t have to dress up, just come as you are. You don’t even need a job or money. You don’t really need to have your shit together at all. Church people like to fix other people.
But there is no faking church. No jumping up and running into the first church on your block. NO parking lot pimping in front of church. The key to church dating is honesty. There is no talking about sex specifically but in all other areas complete honesty and full disclosure are required at all times.
That means you must practice your actual religion. If you aren’t looking to get married, you must say so. Your church will provide people with loose dating morals for you. You must find a church that fits your needs. Once you have found that right fit, join something in the church and let the dating begin.
Just remember, no naked-dicking!
Life is good. I'm sharing it with the world. So this is life the way I see it...
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Lights, The Fame, The Infant, The Fans and The Rapist
The Lights, The Fame, The Infant, The Fans and The Rapist
I distinctly remember Magic vs Bird in the Finals, the famous Converse commercial and the Jordan vs Bird video game I used to play all the time. I watched Joe Montana engineer “The Drive”. I even remember my dad rooting for his hometown Pistons when Isaiah Thomas did it back to back. The eighties were magical (in every sense of the word). Those were teams then. TEAMS! Kareem’s retirement from the Lakers…I didn’t realize at the time that I would never see anything like it again. The nineties brought a change. The end of an era. There will never be anything like it again. (Understatement)
Michael Jordan was more than the Greatest Of All Time. He was the last of a virtually extinct breed. The athlete-showman. A professional on and off the court. After Jordan, it was all about the money. Deion Sanders became the highest paid defensive player in the NFL and led the way for the lowest paid athletes (football players) to become the highest paid. The term Franchise player was coined as team after team threw away Hundreds of millions on individuals. In the meantime, teams and franchises continued to win. Just ask the Rangers who know how to write a big check but have never seen a World Series. And then the players went crazy…
…Pete Rose gambled, Female figure skaters beat each other up, football players went from beating up their babies mamas to trying to kill them and Mike Tyson…Good ol’ Mike Tyson.
And teams still won. Not the Lakers (Van Exel) (just kidding. It wasn’t his fault, Vlade) but Teams. And then 9/11 happened. Sorry New Englanders but the Patriots weren’t supposed to win that first one. After that one was slipped by us, [Seriously, that was not a pass or anything close to forward motion. And it’s like they (Sports Center is in on it) never mentioned it again. NEVER] then came the onslaught. The Lakers won again but what should have been a decade long reign wasn’t. And individuals started getting slipped in here and there. Teams would win championships then fade away like Tampa Bay.
It’s become apparent that both athletes and owners have less and less loyalty. Less loyalty to fans, cities, history and each other. It’s all about the business of sports now. And the fans and the cities suffer. History be damned. Michael Jordan was the highest paid athlete in sports bringing in $80 million a year and only $2 million was from the Bulls. Magic Johnson signed what as a true franchise contract, $25 million for 25 years. Today, team loyalty is a joke. Months after Lebron James thanked his team for his MVP and a year after he lured Shaquille O’neal to Cleveland, The Infant abandoned his hometown and the team he built for The Lights.
Today, fatherless millionaires don’t have to behave for sponsors. They have guaranteed money. Fuck the fans. But not out loud. Michael Jordan probably never have been on Cribs. These new millionaires don’t seek our admiration. They seek our envy. And we give it to them. Wholeheartedly!
Today, players like Shaq are relegated to being Journeymen. Today, you have to by a new jersey every year because your favorite player keeps changing teams. Today, excuses are OK and prima donnas are the norm. It’s OK for players to throw games (
) because their feelings are hurt. Today, an ingrown toenail will sideline players in sports where men became famous for playing with broken bones.
Some may argue that sports is more of a business now. And they are absolutely right. What we fans fail to realize though is that every business sells a product. It is up to the public whether or not to buy that product. I saying now that all sports are selling an inferior product today. It’s wrapped up in a prettier package these days but compared to what we got in the past, today’s product is crap. The problem is they hooked us a long time ago…
What are we supposed to do? Turn off ESPN? Seriously? I guess we could ride it out in hopes that sports will turn things around. But how likely is it that things will improve before they get worse. Perhaps The Gay Athlete will be the one to turn things around. (Big Baby. It’s OK. We will love you anyway.)
Perhaps The Rapist will come out and apologize for raping us all those years ago. Maybe we will finally get some closure so sports can mature past this Infant stage it’s in now. Or maybe we just need to be more like soccer fans and start tearing shit up so sports knows that we are severely dissatisfied with the product they are trying to sell us.
I distinctly remember Magic vs Bird in the Finals, the famous Converse commercial and the Jordan vs Bird video game I used to play all the time. I watched Joe Montana engineer “The Drive”. I even remember my dad rooting for his hometown Pistons when Isaiah Thomas did it back to back. The eighties were magical (in every sense of the word). Those were teams then. TEAMS! Kareem’s retirement from the Lakers…I didn’t realize at the time that I would never see anything like it again. The nineties brought a change. The end of an era. There will never be anything like it again. (Understatement)
Michael Jordan was more than the Greatest Of All Time. He was the last of a virtually extinct breed. The athlete-showman. A professional on and off the court. After Jordan, it was all about the money. Deion Sanders became the highest paid defensive player in the NFL and led the way for the lowest paid athletes (football players) to become the highest paid. The term Franchise player was coined as team after team threw away Hundreds of millions on individuals. In the meantime, teams and franchises continued to win. Just ask the Rangers who know how to write a big check but have never seen a World Series. And then the players went crazy…
…Pete Rose gambled, Female figure skaters beat each other up, football players went from beating up their babies mamas to trying to kill them and Mike Tyson…Good ol’ Mike Tyson.
And teams still won. Not the Lakers (Van Exel) (just kidding. It wasn’t his fault, Vlade) but Teams. And then 9/11 happened. Sorry New Englanders but the Patriots weren’t supposed to win that first one. After that one was slipped by us, [Seriously, that was not a pass or anything close to forward motion. And it’s like they (Sports Center is in on it) never mentioned it again. NEVER] then came the onslaught. The Lakers won again but what should have been a decade long reign wasn’t. And individuals started getting slipped in here and there. Teams would win championships then fade away like Tampa Bay.
It’s become apparent that both athletes and owners have less and less loyalty. Less loyalty to fans, cities, history and each other. It’s all about the business of sports now. And the fans and the cities suffer. History be damned. Michael Jordan was the highest paid athlete in sports bringing in $80 million a year and only $2 million was from the Bulls. Magic Johnson signed what as a true franchise contract, $25 million for 25 years. Today, team loyalty is a joke. Months after Lebron James thanked his team for his MVP and a year after he lured Shaquille O’neal to Cleveland, The Infant abandoned his hometown and the team he built for The Lights.
Today, fatherless millionaires don’t have to behave for sponsors. They have guaranteed money. Fuck the fans. But not out loud. Michael Jordan probably never have been on Cribs. These new millionaires don’t seek our admiration. They seek our envy. And we give it to them. Wholeheartedly!
Today, players like Shaq are relegated to being Journeymen. Today, you have to by a new jersey every year because your favorite player keeps changing teams. Today, excuses are OK and prima donnas are the norm. It’s OK for players to throw games (
) because their feelings are hurt. Today, an ingrown toenail will sideline players in sports where men became famous for playing with broken bones. Some may argue that sports is more of a business now. And they are absolutely right. What we fans fail to realize though is that every business sells a product. It is up to the public whether or not to buy that product. I saying now that all sports are selling an inferior product today. It’s wrapped up in a prettier package these days but compared to what we got in the past, today’s product is crap. The problem is they hooked us a long time ago…
What are we supposed to do? Turn off ESPN? Seriously? I guess we could ride it out in hopes that sports will turn things around. But how likely is it that things will improve before they get worse. Perhaps The Gay Athlete will be the one to turn things around. (Big Baby. It’s OK. We will love you anyway.)
Perhaps The Rapist will come out and apologize for raping us all those years ago. Maybe we will finally get some closure so sports can mature past this Infant stage it’s in now. Or maybe we just need to be more like soccer fans and start tearing shit up so sports knows that we are severely dissatisfied with the product they are trying to sell us.
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