Decision 2015!!!

It's hard to believe three years have passed since Decision 2012. It seems like some much has happened.Either way, election day is upon us again and I have some more decisions to make.

I have been thinking about my dating life since coming back to Los Angeles, it's different than I expected to say the least. I have a lot more alone time than I imagined having when I first left Georgia. And that time has led me to reminiscence over my dating history.

I've been a pretty good boyfriend/partner. I've never cheated. I do flirt, A LOT. But it's probably not in me to cheat. I don't think I have the time.

I've come to realize that no matter how casual the relationship, it's still a relationship and I barely want to sit on the phone and chit chat with my girlfriend, so i definitely don't want to chit chat with a side piece. Think about bootie calls. In theory, it sounds nice. You call at 11:30 (The bootie call hour), ask for some sex, and you get some sex, no strings attached. But there are strings! It's a racket. What they don't mention in the description is the number of calls at 5:30 in the afternoon (or some other ungodly hour when I could be doing something better). They don't mention the inordinate amount of chit chatting that is requisite in a booty call relationship. I'm already trying to minimize the chit chat so side pieces AKA cheating won't work. And I ain't paying....

Hell, I ain't even getting a hotel room, which probably means I"m not going to have much sex at all until I move out of mom's house... SMH. My maximum expenditure in direct relation to sex is condoms. I don't count dates as paying because I usually only take women places I was going to go alone to anyway.

Shout out to the genius who wrote "Dr. J was compelled to say something on this subject because he couldn’t grasp a non paying participant on a date calling the payer cheap. "
Cheap is placing ANY economic value on human interaction. 
But I digress. Back to my decision.


It's simple.
I'm getting married soon. And like Andree told me, I'm not wasting my time.
Men and women have standards they wish to acquire. However, when it comes to dating, they put those standards to the side for some of the most ridiculous dating rules. For instance, I've scanned past a GANG of online dating profiles of women who list  their relationship goals as "casual/nothing serious..." After talking to them though, they want to be married. Why do they do that? That's the rule. Don't seem too serious. You might scare a lot of guys away.
Fuck that.
You want to get married, say so. I'll go out on a limb and guess that every woman only wants to marry one man. Why be worried about scaring away a lot of men? Isn't the goal to scare away most men and filter it down to one? If you want casual, say so. No need to waste time pretending to be in a serious relationship when you may not have time for one.
Be true to your priorities and the Law of Abundance will give you what you want. Fear and dishonesty will bring you the opposite of your priorities. Don't be scared of getting everything you've ever wanted. I've known what I wanted for a long time. I've been told to not pursue it. I've been distracted from what I want. I've been afraid. I missed out on a few good women... So, I'm going to always say I want to be married until I'm married. I'm always going to talk about marriage even after I'm married because my wife and I will always work on our marriage. I'm working on my marriage now alone and, hopefully, my wife is too. And, one day soon, we'll work on it together.

So, since once it's said, I'm obligated to live it. I'm getting married. Soon. And I probably know her already. #nolongerdistracted #focused #brave

P.S. - The wedding's going to be in New Orleans. (Some things never change)

It’s Complicated

I’ve heard it before. Mostly I’ve seen it online. I’ve been picking up girls/women online since the late nineties. I can remember the first time I saw “it’s complicated” as a relationship status. I’ve been wondering since that day what’s so complicated about relationships.

            It’s been quite a while. This week was the first time I actually sought to find out about it. I got a little more than I expected. A little.

           

            Below is my request and some responses:

My name is Jason. I am writing an article on the "it's complicated" relationship status. Would you be interested in sharing a little bit about your relationship status? Please. I can and will keep everything you share anonymous. I just want to talk to real people and real relationships.

Female 30 GA

·         whats there to say we live together but he says we not together dat  im just his right hand gurl

·         yes i pretty much have gave up on tryn wit him cuz he says every thing is my fault but whatever on dat.... i gotta sneak around n do me cuz he likes to trip.. even though he told me dat he dont want any other guy to have me eather i guess

·         (Does he date openly?) nope not dat i kno of

·         its my place its in my name so im not goin any where (to Is moving out difficult?)

·         idk (Is there any hope of reconciliation)

·         (Do you ever think he’s using you?)kinda but he does pay all da bills

·         (It’s a good arrangement except for dating?) yeah to a point

·         we still have sex n sleep in da same bed

·         naw we always use protection cuz he not ready for kids.... if we dont have it then we dont have sex

·         no but i hope it does[change]... bn safe we have bn together off n on for 2yrs... we use to not use any thing till he got wit a whore when we broke up n she gave him a std n ever since then we use protection

·         da only advice u could prob give me would b run his ass off n move on

·         all i gotta say he wont leave so im doin me since he dont wanna b wit me ill find love one way or the other

Female 39 Tustin CA

here is my version of the status....in my mind i am doing the right thing and walking away from the start of a relationship that i see is really too complicated on his side.  Its a guy that didn't  do the right thing by ending his old relationship before starting with me so of course there is fallout and not something that i respect on his part.  At the end of the day I am just not feeling the situation either.   Ok so thats whats complicated....lol.  I do like the fact that the status keeps the stalkers away 

(So just so I'm clear. You did try to have something with a guy who was "having trouble becoming unattached", but you gave up. And now you just leave the status because it's a bit of a filter. Did I get that right?

But I do also read inside that, you still have some feelings for this guy. What about that?)

so far u have everything right....now about the feelings.. I am happier out of it than in it so its a wrap.

Female 28 Overland Park KS

 I don't have a problem sharing. My relationship is complicated because my bf is in prison. I haven't fully made the decision if I should stay or go. I thought complicated was the most acurate description.

Female 33 TX

well my its complicated is not because im in a relationship.....at least I don't think im in one anymore....so Im not sure If I can help you out.   Im still legaly married, over a year now...he refuses to divorce me and I don't have the money to hire a high priced attorney.....we were together for 13 years and even though I know no one will ever love me as much as he does, or do for me like he did.....the love is lost.

I have currently entered a long distance relationship/friendship with someone I went to high school with but never knew when I was in high school, I would love to be with him but.....the distance is a big issue, that and the trust issues i have from my past. Im not prepared to move back home, and although he says will move here its a big step and im not sure how serious he is

its over with my husband......with the guy from high school, I would consider it some kind of relationship

I guess the hardest part I have with the whole distance thing, is it makes me feel abnormal......I don't get why I can't find someone in my own hometown that wants to be with me but someone 1400 miles away is the first person I hear when I wake up in the morning and the last voice at night and wants to be with me......

yeah, i try to hold my head up high on that one, but he acts crazy....the last guy i was talking to before I met my guy.....dumped me after finding out all the drama I still had with the ex....I was on the phone with him and then my ex called my sons phone and I thought I put him on hold.....when the ex told me he went and clamed the kids on his tax return, when he didnt even help me last year I fliped out.....the guy told me "i didn't know you had issues like that, im out" LOL I told him if he had taken a min to ask me how my relationship was with my kids father he whould of known and deleted his #

yea.....IDK, didn't think he was right for me anyway. But I was kind a like WOW your breaking up with me over that???

I think I have it together, I know I make bad choises when it come to men, but what I learned in the past year is as much as I want a relationship, I don't need one...Im blessed I can do for my family and take care of them...Im not the richest person in the world but I make a good enough living to keep my self above water, I have goals, im still young, and I have a bright future ahead me..... =D

i told him i would move back to miami, if I could sell my house. THE PROBLEM......homes are not selling here in San Antonio

Dawn M(Female) 50 Palm Bay, FL

Hello jason. Haha. Well its complicated no more! It was-but i left him and moving on! Take care n good luck with your research!

Latina 52 San Antonio TX

honestly i dont know if i am still in a relationshi.   i have not seen him in 5 weeks......whats complicated?  he puts everyone and everything before me

So do you want to be in a relationship with him still and do you think he does as well?

yes i still do and so does he but i thnk i am ready to move on

yes but he keeps avoiding me.  but he tells me he loves me......  wow

i've asked for my house key but he avoids brining it to me

How long have you two been dating?

7 months

yeah i do but how do you know when it its? (Do you have a limit?)

last week he told me if i wanted my key i had to come get it but i couldnt go at the time so now it likes he wont come by and return it.  Its like he is holding on to it to keep a hold on me?

so i guess i need to set my limits huh?  and you r so right, its women like us who do all the right things and we get taken for granted.......

Female 28 Hokinsville KY

Complicated 4 me means I hav a live in but he's not my boyfriend but he wants 2 b but he is my friend

We tried but it didnt work I don't want 2 go bck down that rode again but he's blockin my life a lil ya know

Just friends(started out)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!(children?)

Don't really knw[what’s next]. don't want 2 put him out and no where 2 go. But I don't want 2 keep feelin like I can't do in my own house either! What's a girl 2 do! I guess I'm just 2 nice

Female 40 Fort Wayne IN

i met a man we started dating and became srious for five years then he started drinking cheated and i tried tellin him to stay away from me and he said how sorry he was and how much he loved me so i still see hom even thoigh he doesnt allow me at his home because of the secrets he has going on. another skank and two baby mommas he doesnt sleep with the baby mommas but the skank im not sure about we have been together for seven years and 2 have been complicated when i try and leavee he cant stay away for more than 7 days

not taken (Do you date other people?)

sometimes lol its(dating) complicated

i believe that if he is meant to be with me he will see that i am a good woman and come to his senses but who knows what the future holds

what next 29

Well I can start with I am legally married and have been for the last 9 years, but we have been seperated off and on since 2008.  We have filed the divorce papers and are awaiting a court date.  He is currently seeing another woman back home where we are from and I can honestly say that I really don't mind, just wish her the best of luck!!!!         If there is anything else you want to know just ask.

Yes we still talk but only of the childern. No I don't hook up, I really have not thought of dating I just want the divorce to be over with and then someday I might think about dating.

And my lone brave male!

Dustin D Ypsilanti MI 26

yep yep ! my relationship is a im sry i won't do this or that naggin n bitchin anymore..then bam happens again and again sucks rt

yes but we never stop living together  n 6 years 

YES WE GOT A SON TOGETHER AND NOPE SHE DONT WANNA I DO 

As you can see, there are some interesting and disparate stories here. Unfortunately the men didn’t step up. Thankfully, the women were honest and open.  I saved the last female’s story because hers was the most compelling.
            She asked me to call her. I hesitated but quickly found out why it was worth it to call. Below is her story. Because of her situation, I can’t tell you much about her identity. You’ll see:

Female 38

“It's too much to type and what paper or magazine do you work for or is this just a project”

 I sent her a link and my phone number. She responded with hers. I was determined to call so I set a reminder to call her within two hours. This is her story:

She was married 11 years. She’s been separated for 1 year. He doesn’t know. He knows they have problems, but he hopes they stay together. She wants a divorce but she’s scared to tell him where she lives because he’ll make life hell. They’ve tried to work it out 2/3 times. As of now, he thinks she’s looking for a place for them to stay. She intentionally let their lease lapse and told him they had to find somewhere else to live.

            The relationship is abusive, physically and verbally, “He’ll hurt me” “Not attracted to him” because of the abuse. He’s jealous of her financial responsibility. He gave up “the life”/hustling and now struggles. He’s unhappy with his life choices. So, they argue, he get’s violent.

She lives in one state and he lives in the state next door. He’s not from either. She’s hiding from him and still dating.

“It helps” but “I’m going to hell” because she’s still married. She cheated two years ago (that’s one year before the ‘separation’. She’s scared of Tagged. She still dates the guy she cheated with, but she can’t give her all because of this situation.

She’s embarrassed because family warned her. And after all this, she’s still “confused”. She thinks about going back but knows she “Can’t change him” Deep down she knows it’s not going to work.

These women should show us how issues get tangled and twisted and complex when we let things build up instead of dealing with them. All of these “relationships” started simply and then the issues came. As I spoke with these women, I would notice one issue that seemed simple enough and, immediately, that one issue would get entwined with another simple issue. And then another, and another… And there you have it! A complicated relationship.

                      I’ll speak for the men and say that everyone is looking for Love. These “complicated” relationships are just one extent people will go to in order to find it. Let these women serve as warning. Relationships are simple. Life is simple. Love is powerful. It can all become complex if we let them.

What I Learned In Church: Prison

This is from a bible study in prison. We learned quite a bit that can be used by anyone seeking God. This is just one bit: 

“I Wanna Be Free”

It’s called an emotional heart attack. We get so overwhelmed with “The Drama” of life that we panic. It may not be as severe as a panic attack or an anxiety attack so we ignore the fact that we are acting out.

Samson had one. He was constantly turned against by his own people. It seemed like nothing he did was good enough. He could always turn to God but after a while, he got tired of not having someone human to talk to. So he turned to Delilah. I always thought she was his wife or girlfriend. But she was neither. He had a wife. And they don’t suggest that their relationship was any more than her being a shoulder to lean on. It doesn’t even seem like she set out to set him up. She just had a stronger allegiance to her people than to him. She could have been anyone. She could have been a homeboy from the other side of town. She could have been a coworker having a drink with you after work.

Today, in our lives, pressures build up and our emotions beat us up. We run to the wrong people, bad habits, old sins for help. Sometimes we find ourselves unloading ourselves on the first person who will listen without even considering who we are talking to.

Again, I must reiterate, that I’m not talking about panic attack levels. So many of us have so much baggage AND we are so used to taking the path of least resistance that one bad day at work can lead us to talking to the wrong person, firing up a cigarette after ten years, cussing, sleeping around or even just flirting with ideas you turned your back on long ago.

At the extreme, people claimed to have “Snapped”, they say they “Couldn’t Make It Anymore”. “They let me out of prison and I walked right into another one”. But that’s the extreme. You read that and say to yourself – I would notice if it gets that bad. But what about when you’re just a little bit more uncomfortable than you usually are.

In prison the stakes seem a little higher. Physical freedom is the focus. But whether or not you are in prison, - the real prison is the one inside ourselves. If we don’t get free inside ourselves, we’ll end up right back in prison or locked up on the outside

Prison is a walking cemetery, and so is “life” until we decide to change.

When we put our hope inside God’s hope, we are free. “Walketh not in the counsel of the un-Godly” (Psalms 1:1-3) The counsel of the un-Godly is not just a bunch of hoodlums on the corner. The counsel of the un-Godly is anything you turn to to relieve stress that is not God.

It’s easy if the un-Godly things in your life are people. CUT THEM LOOSE! Forgive them and let them go! …or the other way around if the situation requires.

But when they are things, we tend to let them become Delilah and weasel their way into a prominent position in our lives. It’s not always the hard stuff. It’s TV. It’s playing golf. It’s Facebook. It’s whatever we do to avoid dealing with ourselves and instead of seeking God.

And I’m not saying they are bad. I sure as hell ain’t getting off Facebook. It’s just being careful to not replace God with distractions. In ALL things, we should seek God. It’s sad to allow ourselves to be distracted by anything. And it’s potentially destructive to put anything in a Delilah position in your life. Most times God is available right inside our ordinary lives. We just don’t seek Him. When we look at our average everyday life we don’t see God. We see a rut.

Seeking God is an exercise (and I use that word exercise on purpose) in endurance. It is believing long after we got tired of believing. It’s holding on to our marriages. It’s staying focused on our real brothers and sisters. Staying vigilant lasts a little longer than a staring contest.

Hang in there, even if you get sidetracked. (Ephesians 2:1-5 ) There is a promise. (Genesis 22:16) God wins in the end.

Gaydar

[When I say gay, I don't mean it in a good way. I mean it in the most Eminem, South Park, Boondocks way I can!]

Jacquelyn NeCole asked the question - *Question to the fellas* Does a straight man hang with gay/bi-sexual guys? If they do does that make them suspect... hmmm?

I knew immediately what she wanted. She wanted another way to detect homosexuality in a man. This Down Low shit has a ton of women AND men nervous. The Gaydar is up all over the world.

The Down Low is the epitome of sexual dishonesty AKA Lying-On-Your-Dick/Pussy. With the prevalence of STDs, the most dangerous of them being “Butt-Juice-Pussy”, people need full disclosure when it comes to sex and being safe. There is no room for confusion or flat out lying. Sex without trust is so horrible; I would just rather not have sex. And I like sex. I like it A LOT. A LOT.

A WHOLE LOT!!!

But,

I am deathly afraid of Butt-Juice-Pussies! But-Juice-Pussy (BJP) is a condition that occurs when a woman dates a Down Low man inside a committed relationship or inside any relationship where Naked-Dicking occurs. Naked Dicking is already dangerous. But add secret sex to the mix and we are talking about juggling grenades with no pins in them.

With all of this in mind, it is VITAL that women and men, straight or gay, be able to spot liars in their midst. I wish I knew EVERY sure sign that a man is on the Down Low. I would tell. I would spend my last dollar publishing and distributing the book along with a list of notable Down Low men, for free! Honest people deserve to know when they are being tricked.

According to Sanyika – “You live in Atlanta, everybody is gay!” But this is not about judging people. I don’t judge. I really could care less about what anyone does in his or her bedroom. This is about keeping honest men and women safe from the dishonest.


So here’s what I know. Maybe it will help women and men remain safe in their relationships and avoid any BJP. (Of course, that’s assuming they don’t want any BJP!)

The gay friends I have are all out of the closet. I don’t like to talk about sex with anyone. I was raised to believe that those who talk about it aren’t doing it. So, like ALL of my friends, I’m a friend with gay people not because of whom they sleep with. Personally, some of the dating choices my straight friends make are pretty disgusting. SICK! (That’s a whole other blog.)


If any one of my “straight” friends turned out to be gay, I would have an issue. The issue wouldn’t be their sexuality but the dishonesty. I have stopped being cool and/or trusting a lot of friends for lying on their dicks. If we are friends, the foundation of that is trust. If I can’t trust you, we can’t be friends.


I do suspect a few acquaintances. The fact is the down low is real. Statistically speaking, with all the people I know, a few of those people are in the closet. The truth is, most of the people I suspect would surprise the HELL out of most females.


It is YOU! That’s right. You are reading this and wondering if I know. I DO! See! You just proved it. SMH. So sad. Just give it up. Come out the closet now and no one will get hurt. The longer you drag this out, the worse it will be when I finally REALLY put you on blast.


I have proof. It’s just not time yet to put people on blast.



You probably have BJP. I just chose not to tell you because you got on my nerves today. Good luck with that shit. (And there actually is fecal matter in your P. SMH)


I’ve been to a gay club. In fact, you DO have BJP! Your dude was there. WITH A MAN!


I don’t fuck for an audience. I don’t lie on my dick. I don’t talk about my dick. I don’t take pictures of my dick. I believe anyone who does is not just suspect. Niggah you gay!


Secret anything between couples is suspect. Friends you’ve never met, a secret family, a secret job, secret habits, secret anything is SO VERY suspect.


Machismo is suspect, especially around other men. The louder you are about homophobia, your dick, or sex in general; the more suspect you are. Why do I give a shit about any of that? I’m not going gay bashing with you. That shit is a terrorist act. I have absolutely no interest in the horrible looking women you choose to sleep with. I don’t want to watch porn with you because there are no women around. NO WOMEN = Niggah…You…Gay!


To answer Jacquelyn’s question directly, being suspect is not about being cool with gay/bisexual people. It’s suspect if dudes are too cool with other dudes. I know men who have fraternal ties with other men. They are supposed to be really close. They aren’t overly close though. Suspect dudes have “best friends” who are as close as girls are. Men don’t change clothes around each other. The one exception is a sports locker room. (Not the LA Fitness locker room! SMH) Real sports. Professional sports. Men don’t hold hands or get drunk and sleep in the same bed. (Head to feet past 16 is not cool)




Please also understand that nothing is exact. Especially this. There are variables. For instance, in the South, men are more effeminate. That means women have to look past the superficial and find patterns. My views may also be slanted. I have a father and we get along quite well. So I don’t have a lack of male bonding to fill. So I am more hesitant to be up in any other man’s face no matter how well we get a long. But I also have sister who I am close to. So I’ve seen Grease a million and five times, and the Bodyguard, and Beaches, and Tommy. AND I actually like romantic comedies. Now if a man said that who didn’t have sisters or REALLY close female relatives, …SUSPECT.
The bottom line is - be careful. But don’t let stereotypes lead you. PLEASE don’t let your friends’ experiences affect your judgment. Let everything be what it is and see everything AS IT IS. You be upfront with your mate at all times. It’ll be hard for anyone to trick you if you are REALLY keeping in 100 (RAY J!)

Also, not reading the whole blog (I know it's long Sanyika!) is gay!

Trust

The word today is “Love”. Another word we need to look at on this day of love is “trust”. As we find ways to express our love for each other and ourselves, let’s explore trust. We make overt actions to show our love to each other. We find the easiest way to love one another is to start by loving ourselves. As we practice prayer and meditation we see that the power of God is within us. It comes from the love we generate within ourselves. But the question - is do we trust? Do we trust God, do we trust ourselves, do we trust each other?

Our actions seem to be out of love. But is it Agape? Is it unselfish love? Do we love fully? If we do not fully trust in the God, our neighbors and ourselves; we do not love fully.

These past two weeks, I’ve shown a lot of people a TON of trust. I spent money, getting things done before people paid me only to find out they didn’t believe I would be able to do what I say. I always deal with people with trust. I feel like if I do what I say and you do what you say, we’ll have smooth dealings for all of our days. I feel like if I am 100% percent honest people will reciprocate. I know it’s naïve and utopian, but we believe in God. We believe in heaven. Aren’t all of our practices so that we can live in heaven with God? Isn’t heaven a utopia?

But.

Even I hold back though. I rationalize. I put God to the test. I try God up all the time.

That’s ALL of our attitudes.

Even if we call ourselves Christians, spiritual, religious, faithful, whatever; we feel entitled. “Why shouldn’t we indulge ourselves? We worked hard. We’ve been faithful. We tithe. We’re practicing Lent. Give me something mister!” And when he doesn’t give it to us, we take matter into our own hands. Our patience wears thin. [I just wrote that! OUR PATIENCE WITH GOD WEARS THIN!] We do crazy things like asking another god for help. [I said that too! I’m just pointing out what more than one person in the world does.]


“ I stopped living by the core values that I was taught believed in. I convinced myself that normal rules don’t apply. I thought only about myself. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.” – (See the next paragraph if you don’t know)


Our prayers are – “Oh God, give me this…” As if God doesn’t know already. Are we that impatient? Are we Tiger Woods (look up)? Why don’t we trust God enough to thank him for what we have AND for the known and unknown blessings he has in store?

When I worked for people. I could be in between jobs. I never had a worry. I knew there was something ahead. Something better. I still believe. Doubt has crept in lately but I am learning to ignore it. I don’t like to go backwards. But I must go back to the days when life was an adventure and I never knew what to expect. I have hopes, dreams, goals, plans and expectations but I know now that my path is not straight. I am not deterred from my goals but I look forward to the journey as well as the end. I will trust God.

Now that I work for myself. I am in a position where I have to invoice people. I have to anticipate payments. I take chances financially. I have to trust people. I do trust people. I wonder though if my blind trust and faith in God and people is SO unbelievable that I inspire distrust. I wonder. Is the devil that strong? Is evil that prevalent?

I remember Flip Wilson saying “The Devil Made Me Do It!” It was funny. But…
What does God make you do? We talk so much about The Struggle, The Man, Haters, Racism, Sexism, Abuse, Sinning, Backsliding, The Electric Slide, The Cha Cha Shuffle (That’s the devil!) and everything else that’s wrong with the world, it’s like that’s what we believe in.

I like to ask – why not. I mean life is so wonderful with possibilities, I dare people to give me a good reason why not to explore the next one. I got SO many actual answers, I am beginning to be certain that we expect the devil to prevail. We expect evil. And if that’s what we expect, then that’s where our trust is. So it seems like we trust the devil more than trust God. That can’t be. Can it?

We wake up everyday and proclaim God’s goodness to the world. Then we go out there. And by the time we get back…It’s not all the fuzzy bunnies and little birds chirping. It’s who got on our nerves and why we need a drink and temptations that we may or may not have given in to.

God promised us blessings. He didn’t say how. He didn’t say what or which or who or when. He just promised. Isn’t that good enough? I mean - he’s God. Isn’t THAT good enough? Aren’t we good enough?

He is. I am. We are.

Trust me. God told me.