Step 8

I may never fully submit to the rules of AA but they are on to something. Their system of recovery and support is a marvel of simplicity. Like many, many religions, for others, it works. Why ask why? No need to rock the boat. And they are not at all pushy about it. Got to love an ideology that’s not all up in your face.

I have my own higher power and he led me to a freedom similar, if not greater, to that found with AA. I can never give up power to any earthly thing. That only put me at odds with Step one. Then I read A Hunger For Healing. Let’s just say I can’t live in the flesh anymore so I submit to my higher power. In fact, within my own spiritual journey, I am working all the steps. Plus I’m writing a book. (Plug!)

Right now, I want to focus on steps eight, nine and twelve. I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve hurt.

One in particular, stands out. Twice, my actions have caused great hurt to my friend in a way I vowed never to do very early in our relationship. Only now do I realize the devastating harm I have caused by going back on my word. After all this time I pray my friend can forgive me and allow me to make amends.

As a result of my new awakening, I must share with others so they can avoid situations like this. And if they have been in situations like this, hopefully they can make amends. Likewise, I am doing this in order to make my own amends with all parties involved. If I am lucky, they will allow me to do so.



The following is background and apology…



It was fall of 2000 or spring 2001. My mojo was blazing. I was in New Orleans. Part time student, full time party animal. The House was off the chain. The rules were simple. You cross the threshold, you have a shot. Tuesday, Sunday, Wednesday, Day or Night, studying or time for work, it didn’t matter. You obey the rules. The House even had a room specifically designated for fucking. It was called – wait for it…

The Fuck Room! The Fuck Room had it’s rules posted on the door.

This was my life. School became what I did between the last party and the next.

One day I decided to go to a poetry reading. I wrote poetry. I wanted to assess the quality of my fellow poets.

That night I fell in lust. A goddess approached the mic. I had seen her before. She was an earth chick, somewhere between Erykah Badu and Jill Scott but finer. Her long flowing skirts, head wraps and beautiful face was enough. Then she spoke. Her voice was poetic, lyrical, sultry, southern, rhythmic and just lovely. Her words were deep, sexy, intensely sexual, spiritual and moving. And her name was –


-Lovely.
I had to have her.

I quickly did my stalking AKA info-gathering thing. It was serendipity. She was friends with a friend of mine. My friend knew me and how I rolled. And my friend was cool. I knew she would hook it up.

One day after Lovely had just walked away from my friend. I hurried to my friend and delivered my now classic line. I cannot share the line. It is too powerful and dangerous in the wrong hands. All I can say is that, most of the time, it works all the time.

Two days later. I got a call from Lovely. The line worked. It’s a conversation piece so we conversated. I was charming in my most Sinatra-ish way, martini glass in hand and all. RIP killer!

She was a real winner. While I was having my way with words, she was enchanting me further. I talked some shit. She backed it up and then some! She had to come to The House – ‘mmediately! Right now! I mean then. (Now that I’m writing this, and remembering things, I mean now too! Right now!)

She came – straight to my room. I had to see what she was talking about. I saw. Wow! Goddess! Soft, Wet, Firm, I can’t say more. Everything was perfect.



Except me.



Let’s just say I had crossed the threshold of The House (see above) quite a few times that day. While it had never been a problem before, I would find soon out just how much of a problem it could be. Very soon.

It was over before it started. For me. For real over! There was nothing poetic, sexy, sultry or rhythmic about it. My pump number was broken. Badly. It was devastating. I would have been demoralized then if she hadn’t given me another shot. (As bas as it was, I needed fifty more shots) She gave me one. She would be back. I went to the kitchen and crossed the threshold one more time (or three).

I was re-demoralized. She came back. She saw The Fuck Room sign. It was another conversation piece. We talked. I touched. We were ready. I was done.

That made TWICE! TWICE! I was in my early twenties and already I had broken my promise. Devastatingly so. I let a goddess walk into and out of my life WAY too quickly. WAYYYY too quickly. SMH

I just drank it off. It may not have happened ever again. (What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) but this…

This was just too premature. I never thought anything like this would happen this early. I just hope it’s not too late to apologize.

I would like to apologize to for breaking my promise. I said it would never happen and I did it to you twice. It was all my fault. My debauchery caused you to suffer. For that I am truly sorry. If you allow me and if I still have my way with words I will make amends.

I am sober. I am stronger. I got my sexy back. The only thing left is to officially say – Penis, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for gving you The Drunk Dick.



If you and all parties involved are willing, I am totally prepared to make amends…




Macbeth Act 2 Scene 3 “Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance: therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to, and not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.”

[Drunk Dick is serious (not as serious as Drunk Pussy) If you or anyone you know suffers from Drunk Dick immediately admit your shortcomings. Repent, seek forgiveness and do your best to make amends as soon as possible. The sooner the better.]

This is in no way endorsed by AA. I respect AA and all the work it’s done. Alcoholism is serious. If you are over 30 and still partying like a rock star (Charlie Sheen), get help. AA may be the place for you. They’re ready when you are.

STEP 8 – DRUNK DICK

What I Learn Daily Thursday 2-4-10

In this moment, I am creating the life I choose.

Moments are fleeting. Once passed, they cannot be recaptured. Each moment is a precious gift and holds the promise of a new beginning.
Throughout my day, I allow the presence of God to fill me with an awareness of this now moment. I release my thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow and bask in the wonder of the present moment for the gift that it is. Each moment is a building block upon which my life is created. Every loving thought, every kind word, every prayer, adds to the solid foundation of my life.
Moment by moment, I am creating a full and fulfilling life.

The quote is Luke Chapter Six, Verse 48. READ the complete chapter. But it goes – “That one is like a man building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when a flood arose, the river burst against the house but could not shake it, because it had been well built.”

Once we find out what we love, we can begin to build a life around that because everything we do from then on will be out of love.

I have been working on a way to convince people to focus on the here and now and not focus on the past so much. The way I picture it is people walking through life backwards. While you may start out admiring past accomplishments, eventually not being able to see what’s going on right now will have its effect. You still talk about the future so you think you have things under control. But you start to notice the effects of neglect on your recent past. You say – “How did I miss that?” You starting asking – “What happened?” “I was straight. I had everything under control.” Your reality went from “what’s happening right now” to “what happened”.

Sometimes the future is too bright or too bleak. You have to turn away. You end up turning away from the future so much, you end up walking backwards too! Whether you focus on the past or the future, you’ll eventually end up walking through life backwards.

Turn around! Look around you. Today it was raining but I felt so good it seemed a little brighter outside than a rainy day was supposed to be. At least until someone tried to play with me. (I don’t like playing) I feel better now. Check it out!


HAVE FUN, BE GOOD RIGHT NOW!

…and if you can’t be good be good at it!

What I Learn Daily 2-4-10

By following my potential and my passion, I fulfill my divine purpose.

Today I ask myself: Am I doing what I love? If the answer is no, perhaps it is time to reevaluate why I am pursuing something that may be out of alignment with my heart’s desires.
To discover my divine purpose, I turn within and see what lights my inner flame. As I consider different options, I feel an immediate surge of energy, creativity and excitement as I connect with my purpose and discover my true calling.
Perhaps I am hesitant to proceed for some reason. If this is the case, I take the matter directly to God in prayer. There is a way for me to follow my passion and fulfill my potential. The perfect path awaits if I have the courage to believe.

The quote is Matthew Chapter Nine, Verse 28. READ the complete chapter and focus on the end.

I will find out on March 27th. Or possibly before that. Today begins the Writing Blitz. Write. Write. Write. Writing like I’ve never written before. No TV! (Or very little) No Video Games! Definitely taking a vow of celibacy. Perhaps no masturbation. Perhaps! A LOT of meditation. Chapter 2 of The Master Key Program. “Think about nothing” WOW!

So let’s see what comes out of a commitment to my potential and my passion.

And remember the question - are you doing what you love and living up to your potential?

My Resolution

My brain’s been so scattered lately. So many adjustments. A lot of work. It’s all so worth it. I’m loving the pressure and enjoying the rewards! And then comes New Years…

Not being in L.A. had me thinking a bit about change. Now I can understand why we change our clocks twice a year. (It’s agrarian. [All about crops and farming] Look it up!)
But why is it exactly that the beginning of a New Year is the automatic life changing event of the year?

So many of us want to lose weight. Why is the coldest month of the year when you decide to go running? Is that very motivational?

Does it have to do with all the money we waste on spoiling bad children? [Not your children, of course. The other ones!] We feel bad so we have to readjust our lives? We have to reorganize our priorities? Maybe.

And not to hate on our festivities, but how well are we going to be able to hold onto these new habits if spend the night being fake at church or wake up with a hangover in a strange bed? I’m just askin’

Please believe I’m all for change and growth. I’m just a little skeptical on this one. My usual optimism is actually stepping out of the way on it’s on to ask – FOR REAL?

You gonna lose weight, again? You gonna shake them haters after you been drinking with them all night? You gonna start saving as soon as you get that refund check.

A friend of a friend said – “Let Go Of The BS...No Room For It In 2010!!!” @Scherell Irby [I gotta give EVERYONE their citations]. But then I asked myself, how many times have I heard that. Shit, I may have even said it myself! Why is that phrase so familiar? Have we been taking turns saying that Bull Shit for the last 10 years [At Least!]?

Can we stop? Can we make on final resolution? A big enough one to keep us challenged for years to come. Let’s take the pressure off ourselves. We have to lose 30 pounds then keep it off because we don’t want to have the same resolution next year. Then we have to start saving (after we buy Hummer with the children’s o’ so small college fund) and keep that going or else we’ll be broke and overweight. And then we have to keep shaking haters and trying not to meet weird people so we won’t have no haters next December to shake. You feeling the pressure yet? Does it make you want some cheesecake? You wanna go to the bar with some random assed drinking partners from Yahoo Friends? Are you fretting failing at three things and STILL having to come up with an original resolution 3 years from now. Are you imagining being broke, fat, and lonely? You getting it yet?

Maybe it’s just me. I’m a procrastinator. I set my own deadlines and break them. Maybe I need to stop and conform to societies rules on growth. Let me see if I can focus on that. One year to grow. Then another one. Then another one. What if my journey is a lifetime though? (See, I didn’t make it too long!) Maybe I need some Ritalin. PSYCHE!

How about next year, we take the time off to evaluate our progress on our journey. I don’t know about you all but it seems strange to see something not working in February and waiting until December to consider making a change. How about we just celebrate our continual growth? Thinking about celebrating where we’ve been and where we’re going seems a little like having two birthdays but this next New Years will officially be a group thing. We’ll each have our own birthdays then we’ll come together and celebrate each other’s accomplishments.

I think that sounds good. Like I said on New Year’s Eve, if you don’t know that I love you. I’ll spend all year (every year) showing you. So the celebration next year is going to be HUGE. As long as we all commit to loving each other more.

If you wake up looking at your workout gear then look past it to the window and see snow or rain or For The Love of Ray J on TV, don’t get discouraged. Grab the phone and call someone. Tell them you love them and let them love you back. Let’s stop spending our children’s college funds and start a business together. And at some point we all have to meet up and beat up some haters. I have a feeling though, when we get together the haters will magically disappear.

So what do think?

Good idea, Bad idea?

Willie Lynch [Update]

[This is the Shit Starter! I tried it on MySpace. Let me give it one more whirl before the rewrite for the book. This is a topic I WILL NOT let go. This is the essence. This is the root of niggardom. If we are to get anywhere in this country, we must get past this. So I will keep poking (in the EYE!) until someone speaks out.]

Posted Date: : Feb 13, 2006 1:53 AM

There's this letter that I have seen over and over circulating through intellectual circles. Most recently it was posted on a friends blog. I have to take this opportunity to further enlighten.

First here is the letter:

This speech was delivered by [b]Willie Lynch on the bank of the James River in the colony of Virginia in 1712. Lynch was a British slave owner in the West Indies. He was invited to the colony of Virginia in 1712 to teach his methods to slave owners there. The term "lynching" is derived
from his last name.

"Gentlemen. I greet you here on the bank of the James River in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelve. First, I shall thank you, the gentlemen of the Colony of Virginia, for bringing me here. I am here to help you solve some of your problems with slaves. Your invitation reached me on my modest plantation in the West Indies, where I have experimented with some of the newest and still the oldest methods for control of slaves. Ancient Rome's would envy us if my program is implemented. As our boat sailed south on the James River, named for our illustrious King, whose version of the Bible we Cherish, I saw enough to know that your problem is not unique. While Rome used cords of wood as crosses for standing human bodies along its highways in great numbers, you are here using the tree and the rope on occasions. I caught the whiff of a dead slave hanging from a tree, a couple miles back. You are not only losing valuable stock by hangings, you are having uprisings, slaves are running away, your crops are sometimes left in the fields too long for maximum profit, You suffer occasional fires, your animals are killed. Gentlemen, you know what your problems are; I do not need to elaborate. I am not here to enumerate your problems, I am here to introduce you to a method of solving them. In my bag here, I HAVE A FULL PROOF METHOD FOR CONTROLLING YOUR BLACK SLAVES. I guarantee every one of you that if installed correctly IT WILL CONTROL THE SLAVES FOR AT LEAST 300 HUNDREDS YEARS. My method is simple. Any member of your family or your overseer can use it. I HAVE OUTLINED A NUMBER OF DIFFERENCES AMONG THE SLAVES; AND I TAKE THESE DIFFERENCES AND MAKE THEM BIGGER. I USE FEAR, DISTRUST AND ENVY FOR CONTROL PURPOSES. These methods have worked on my modest plantation in the West Indies and it will work throughout the South. Take this simple little list of differences and think about them. On top of my list is "AGE" but it's there only because it starts with an "A." The second is "COLOR" or shade, there is INTELLIGENCE, SIZE, SEX, SIZES OF PLANTATIONS, STATUS on plantations, t-- of owners, whether the slaves live in the valley, on a hill, East, West, North, South, have fine hair, course hair, or is tall or short. Now that you have a list of differences, I shall give you a outline of action, but before that, I shall a-- you that DISTRUST IS STRONGER THAN TRUST AND ENVY STRONGER THAN ADULATION, RESPECT OR ADMIRATION. The Black slaves after receiving this indoctrination shall carry on and will become self refueling and self generating for HUNDREDS of years, maybe THOUSANDS. Don't forget you must pitch the OLD black Male vs. the YOUNG black Male, and the YOUNG black Male against the OLD black male. You must use the DARK skin slaves vs. the LIGHT skin slaves, and the LIGHT skin slaves vs. the DARK skin slaves. You must use the FEMALE vs. the MALE. And the MALE vs. the FEMALE. You must also have you white servants and over- seers distrust all Blacks. But it is NECESSARY THAT YOUR SLAVES TRUST AND DEPEND ON US. THEY MUST LOVE, RESPECT AND TRUST ONLY US. Gentlemen, these kits are your keys to control. Use them. Have your wives and children use them, never miss an opportunity. IF USED INTENSELY FOR ONE YEAR, THE SLAVES THEMSELVES WILL REMAIN PERPETUALLY DISTRUSTFUL. Thank you gentlemen."


Now here are the facts. Willie Lynch never existed. The letter is fake. The sentiment is real. Slave owners did discuss tactics of controlling slaves with each other much like business owners discuss management techniques today. The system of slavery is over. Black people are still disjointed. Poor people are still disjointed. The techniques discuss in this fictitious letter are still used in business today. It drives not racism but a much larger more important system. In fact racism is, if anything, derivative of this system. The system is capitalism.

Capitalism is what drives this country. It drives the world economy. In order for it to continue. Certain techniques have to be employed. These are the same techniques that were employed during slavery both in America and around the world. In order for there to be a ruling class in this land of opportunity there has to be working class. A lesser class. No one grows up wanting to be a janitor or a servant or anything menial. No one also grows up with their sole goal in life being to make another man wealthy. But that is what happens. And no one ever asks why.

Why are music stars unconcerned about being robbed and making less money than a label owner when they are the talent, they create the music? Why do we get mad at athletes for wanting more money when a talent less old man is making more just for owning a group of athletes. Or better yet why isn't education mandatory for athletes? Who would really want an athlete to really know what's going on with ALL the money that is made in the sports industry? Why is the emphasis on fake weapons and so called terrorists? Why was the richest oil country on the top of the "terrorist" list when it was one of the countries least friendly to terrorists?

The bottom line is that these are all distractions. The techniques described in the Willie Lynch letter are still in affect today with Black, White, and every other type of poor person today not because of racism but because of capitalism. If we are all running around chasing our tails, then the wealthy will just strap us into the system and let out running spin the wheels of the economy. In the end we may get rich but the wealthy will always get more. I know what I intend to do about it. But its really up to yall and what yall want to do. But knowledge is power, so there you go.

Be good babies!

[Update] I really, really need feedback. I know this is a volatile issue. I know people say don't discuss religion, politics, or (something else-I don't listen to BS as much as I should). But guess what...THOSE people DO discuss religion and politics. And we don't because we feel a certain way. And THOSE people who do talk keep the upper hand while we are afraid to discuss something we feel so strongly about...SMH...

We're running out of time. We better get with it!