Journal 8/3/15 - The Crossroads

It's been a long time coming, but I know a change gone come... 



I am grateful and hopeful. I notice when we arrive at the crossroads the distraction increases. The temptation to go down the wrong paths or keep straight when a change is necessary grows stronger at the crossroads. We tend to know the right paths but the appeal fades as we approach it. Most people keep their head down and stick with the status quo, letting change pass by. Their hope is that the next crossroads, if there is a next one, will be easier. It won't.

The choices get harder. You know you should leave your job but you boss gives you a raise, so you stay. The next time you try to leave bills come so you stay a little longer but the bills pile up, higher and higher. Before you know it, they're throwing your retirement party and you're wondering where the time went.

It happens with toxic relationships. It happens in business. It happens in so many instances where drastic change is the only option for growth. The key is to recognize the crossroads as well as the choice which leads to growth. It's usually not  the easiest road that leads to growth. It's often the scariest road that does. It's most likely the longest road that leads to growth. When you choose wrong, another crossroads will pop right up. You can usually see the next crossroads from the one you're at if you're looking down the wrong road. That's a trick. You'll think you have another chance real quick so you choose that road. The thing is, the next crossroad will take you further off course. The quick and easy leads you down a long string bad choices that'll take far much longer to recover from than the time you thought you saved by taking a shortcut.

The hasty man always works twice as hard.
That's because he will spend twice as much energy repairing the damage that is always done by haste.Avoid the damage, take your time, make the right choice

My New Year’s Resolution

It’s been a few days. How is every doing with their resolutions? Me? I didn’t make any. After years of making fake ones, forgetting to make any until March, making unrealistic ones, not remembering what they were after two weeks and just trying to fit in with the masses; I determined to stop bullshitting myself.

Of all the improvements and changes we want to make in our lives, how many of those are really self-centered? Are you doing these things for you or to fit in? Is it just tradition to change your life on January 1st? Is there truly something about the changing of a calendar that makes us want to change? Why didn’t we think of these things before? Or what is it about January 1^st that makes it easier to do so, if it’s easier at all.

Sometime in June or July I started to question “traditions”. There is nothing wrong with tradition. I questioned a lot of things. I questioned our motivations. I questioned our priorities. I questioned the: who, what, when, where, how and why of just being ourselves. There IS something wrong with not questioning ourselves.

Within our individual spirituality, it’s much easier to fall back on dogma and doctrine than it is to deal with what’s right in front of our faces.  What’s right in front of us is our self. Whether or not we make resolutions or any changes in our lives we have priorities that guide our decisions. Those priorities should be controlled by us but if we remain afraid to address our self, then our priorities are controlled by a myriad of outside forces: tradition, emotion, other people, buildings, institutions, and holidays. All things which are not bad at all except for the fact that we are being held back by something!

So many of us are so close to our breakthrough, we can taste it. We can see it. Sometimes we think we can touch it. So we reach but there’s that something. All those outside forces can become that something if we don’t deal with our selves. Many of us have all the answers but none of the courage to face ourselves in the mirror and make our selves do what we know is the right thing to do.

So we turn to our outside stuff. We put our most important step off until next year. Now next year is here and tradition tells us to make some resolutions. Why not? Let’s lose some weight. Why don’t we remodel the house? Maybe it’s time to tell off all the people who’ve been getting on our nerves all year. It all sounds good.

But forgive me for asking so many questions all the time. I have to do it though. Why New Years Day? Why haven’t we made any changes before? Is October really that shitty of a month that you don’t want to make changes? Are you having too much fun in April? Why are we waiting on the calendar to tell us what to do?

One resolution I heard was something like – I resolve to stop putting up with the BS. I wish I could remember who it was. I would try to make them famous. Maybe its better I don’t remember, because one thing was missing. When are we going to stop putting up the main bull-shitter in our lives? That is, when will we stop bullshitting ourselves?

In our day to day lives, we talk a lot of shit. We talk the most shit to ourselves though. We say we want to start eating healthy for the New Year but we woke up on January 3^rd (We party that hard!) hung-over. We must have fried food and A LOT of it. Lately, I’ve noticed people starting their resolutions later and later in the year. Let alone January, some people start in March.

There must be some magic to changing the calendar that allows us to be able to what we couldn’t do during the rest of the year. But if there is, how does it work. Do we need to only make certain resolutions? Do we need to make our resolutions more realistic?

I say none of that. The magic of New Years is in the myth of a fresh start. We get reminded of God’s forgiveness and our never-ending fresh starts.  We don’t have to wait for a particular calendar day to come around in order for us to make a change. All we have to do is remember that we can change. Any day!

If you have made a resolution or three this year, good luck. If you haven’t, good luck too. No matter which group you are in never forget that you can grow any day, at any time. It’s never too early or too late to take honest inventory of yourself and make some changes. Once we start learning, we don’t stop.

Never stop learning. Never stop growing. If you didn’t do so hot this season and you need another holiday to jumpstart your growth, Ash Wednesday is February 22 this year. The Lenten season is the perfect time to fast and pray for a new direction.

Either way, good luck. You can do it!

The Natural Man

26 Natural Man

            We are born to sin. It’s in our nature… Tell that shit to God.

(St. Peter with a trap door) – “We want you to talk to another one of our angels. Stand over that square over there please. Yes. Right there…”

            Something was a little off with dude. When I met him, he was cool. We spoke a little. He was into the Bible. He told me about the prayer circle. There was something else underneath, though. He was a little negative ALL the time. He was always crying about something. It took nearly a month for it to all come out but when it did, I finally got it.

            I keep my mouth shut to avoid arguments but I always side with the guards, no matter what. (In jail/prison, all inmates are supposed to be against the guards, no matter what.) This time in jail is our opportunity to develop habits which will make us better citizens when it’s time to go home. The guards take it upon themselves to instill discipline in addition to the routine. Each of us has a different idea about discipline. Why should I take their attempt at positivity personal? What better models for NOT going to jail do we have anyway?

            Dude took it personal.

I waited until the next time he did it to engage him. “He treat us like kids” We are kids. We are children of God in the developmental stage. And more to the point, our immaturity led us here. “I’m a grown ass man.” [If you must remind people… Obviously… No… No. SMH] This is his attempt at giving us the discipline we need.  Everyone in here, innocent or guilty, is in here because of lack of discipline. “We all sinners. He sin too.” But he’s disciplined enough to stay out of here and seek salvation elsewhere. We are all sinners but we don’t have to stay that way. “It’s in our nature to sin. We can’t shange.”

            Ah ha!

            So there it was. A natural man. A man driven purely by ego. That explains all the crying. The complaining. The self-absorbedness without self awareness. The self serving without self control. The over inflated sense of self with complete lack of self esteem.

            That is the Natural Man. The Natural Man is completely ego driven, utterly impulsive, very animalistic, often misled, totally insecure and vulnerable; and completely unaware of any of this. Eckhart Tolle in The New Earth and my friend Kobe actually sum it up succinctly.”The ego is a liar”

            Kobe actually called it the subconscious. The ego runs the subconscious. The ego does all the lying. As well, the ego does all the covering up for the lies and the ensuing shortcomings

            Contrary to popular opinion a large ego is not connected to a healthy or high self esteem. In fact, a large ego will kill self esteem and tell you everything is better than fine, it’s great! The ego’s main concern is comfort. View the natural reaction to change. The ego tells you to reject change. As far as growth, the ego will make some concessions to stimulate growth. SOME. In fact, the natural man never fully matures. He simply readjusts his comfort zones.

            The natural man is, in short, a big baby. He may pay bills. Maybe he goes to work. The natural man can seem normal. It is only when you get to motivations that the ego’s role become more apparent. In jail/prison, among a larger selection of unsophisticated individuals, the motivations are laid bare. Now it is easier to read and relate the behavior of the natural man. In sophisticated society, men and women can hide behind facades. There is not of that in jail/prison. Just ego, out in the open.

            Let me assuage the emotional, twitter readers. When I say inmates are very animalistic, that is to say their behavior is not very far evolved from animals. I am not referring to violence but more so to violent mood swings.

            Inmates prove the perfect specimen like a one celled amoeba or mendels flowers for genetic study. There are so few variables to consider. Assuming Darwin was right, welcome to the monkey house! There is some home training, but the priorities are low. Eat, sleep, shit, smoke and jack. Bathing is optional. Again it’s a comfort concession of the ego. Natural men who can’t smell themselves may be guilted into bathing but smoking, horseplay and talking shit take priority.

            Conversations are very telling. Lack of sophistication makes ego very apparent. No one asks for anything right out. The ego can’t stand rejection so every request is prefaced with another question. “Are you going to eat that?” Only when the reqest is certain to be granted will it be made outright. Even then, it may not be in the form of a question. “Let me get that”

            In here, we witness the irresponsible and irresponsive. Most inmates are innocent. The admittedly guilty (drug dealers/addicts) still place blame on others. “My dumb ass girl let the cops search the house.” “[insert any county/police organization] is fucked up. They be all smelling drugs and searching (finding two ounces sitting in the passenger seat like a person with the seatbelt on.) everything.” There is no forethought. Plans are always forgotten in favor of immediate gratification or dwelling on how fucked up the police are for fighting crime and criminal behavior. Reactions are immediate, universal and, of course, ego driven.

            Everything is personal. Since the ego is fragile, Natural Men are equally fragile. Every slight discomfort is an overt effort by “the cops”/deputies to hate. Some of my religious brothers call if The Devil. When the deputy takes away your contraband he’s hating, even though he previously explained he’s trying to teach you to follow the rules, even though he could have punished you severely. “That’s just the devil trying you.” Natural men don’t suffer as groups either. Dorm meetings are full of grumbles – “Why you telling me? Tell that/those niggahs.”

            Let me come back to the natural man statement – “It’s in our nature to sin. We can’t change that.” The Natural Man has the end all be all excuse. It would seem.

            So let’s look at the nature of sin

            In the beginning, there was no sin. There was only one rule in Eden. Don’t eat of the Tree of Good and Evil. Just like diplomatic immunity, being a citizen of one country you can’t be expected to be aware of the obscure law of another country. That, of course, is not a defense of crime anymore due to abuse of that loophole and treaties that followed. It just goes to show – you will be responsible for what you know and only for what you know. If you know nothing, you can be responsible for nothing.

            The knowledge of good and evil brought more than just that knowledge. It brought the responsibility for that knowledge. Knowledge of good and evil and the ensuing responsibility are both a gift and a curse. The curse was obvious. Sin, and it’s consequence, was introduced to the world. Adam and Eve were kicked out of Eden and sorrow and pain were introduced to man’s existence.

            For most people the story ends there, with the curse. And Natural men are the extreme of this paradigm. But read it again. Knowledge of GOOD and evil. There’s a blessing in everything. If you can see that in jail, you can see it anywhere. I went inside those walls prepared to accept a punishment and walked out with a reward. The gift was knowledge, wisdom and understanding all of which we can use to choose between good and evil or right and wrong. We were already created with free will. Now we have the responsibility of making a choice. Knowledge of good and evil meant a choice between good and evil.

            Assuming we evolved from animals, the analogy still holds true. Not only did we develop arms legs and lungs but also intellect. We acquired knowledge. We began to think. We even think about thinking. As such, we still developed the knowledge of good and evil without the creation story. Therefore, evolution still develops for us a choice.

            That choice leads us to become the only animals blessed with the capability of changing our nature. We can be born and raised one way and ascend or descend to anything we choose. We can grow up believing one thing and come to believe the complete opposite or anywhere in between. A worker bee can never bee queen, likewise a queen cannot become a drone. But common man can become King and king can renounce/lose his throne and live a peasant’s life.

            At this stage of human development, it should be simple to change. Unfortunately change is up there higher than public speaking as fears go. The ego will fight hard, tooth and nail, for its comfort zones.  ‘Don’t move to a new town’ ‘You don’t know anyone there. Stay here’ ‘You’re too old to go back to school/to start over’ ‘You’ve been smoking too long to quit’ ‘Withdrawal is painful’ ‘I’m too young to  be married’ ‘Marriage is hard’

            The Natural man calls it staying happy and free. The prototypes are The Nature Boy Ric Flair, Hugh Hefner, Frank Sinatra, The Playboys… He develops a lifestyle that doesn’t promote any growth but is completely comfortable. No matter how macho a natural man comes off, his ego is deeply afraid. Change is coming and it will ruin ego’s pre-established comfort patterns. The natural man is completely unaware all this is going on. He is proud to have a huge ego. It’s warm and cuddly like the womb.

            Without presence of mind we are ruled by our natures aka ego. Knowledge of self kills ego. Hidden within ourselves are hopes and dreams and aspirations. Hidden deep down is change and growth. Not only perspective but a complete paradigm shift comes from listening to something other than ego. Freedom and happiness take on new meaning.

            Presence of mind makes us responsive instead of reactive. We can begin to consider some of the dumbness that comes out of our mouths. “That’s just how I feel.” “I can’t change.” “That’s just me.” We question our motivations. Eventually, we can catch stupidness before it leaves our mouths.

            Truly responsive men will replace ‘grown ass’ natural men. These new men will realize being born into sin only means there is an option. Responsible individuals can choose not to sin. We are born into sin. It’s in our nature. The natural man can tell that shit to God.

            I can envision St. Peter standing at the gates – “Oh really? Born sinning? In your nature? Why don’t you talk to another one of our angels? Just wait over there over that square…” (Trapdoor Sounds)

Natural Men, you’ve been warned…

Good luck with that shit!

            Natural men are the extreme. I only use them to explain behavior that is apparent in ALL of us. After I get rid of the natural men, I’m coming after the rest of you. We must put aside our egos completely if we want to evolve into our better selves. Egos will and must be eradicated in order for our world to not only survive but flourish.

           

            Remember you have a choice, always! And don’t despair if you make the wrong one. By the grace of God and the power of choice, you’ll get another chance. Keep choosing!

Chasing The P: Monique

Chasing The P: Monique

            Chasing the P (sex) has led me on some A LOT A TON of adventures. A TON. The adventures of Marcus and I alone could fill a book. A TOME! But the more interesting stories are the ones that led me to unexpected places. The stories within a story are the ones I like most. And there is one in particular.

            I’ll share it now

Monique

It was 2003. I had just gotten back to Los Angeles from New Orleans. That party was NOT over! My boy Seth was promoting. I was there. Seth and I had been clubbing free for years, since 1996. That’s another story. Focus!

The crew that night was Seth, Greg, Kevin and I. Seth was always the DD back then. We all piled in Greg’s dually wheeled Chevy. The place was Sky Sushi aka Hoodrat Heaven. Loose women galore! That night was special. Someone important in Baldhead Productions had died. We were toasting Billy Jack all night.

Kevin had just turned 21 so he was still a lightweight. A month earlier I had gotten him so drunk, he threw up on his brand new Jordans, which were still inside a shoebox at the time. I intended on keeping an eye on him. We go hard but we don’t do throw up.

I ended up chasing Kevin from bar to bar cutting him off. He’d been on Adios Motherfuckers two at a time all night. I was just waiting on him to fall down any moment anyway. It was time to hunt P anyway He found one last bar in VIP. He juked me and made his way towards the bar cutting across the dance floor. Kevin (Little Kevin, there was no big Kevin) is at least a foot smaller than me and very slim. He swam through the crowded dance floor like a snake through water. I on the other hand ended up running smack dab into a girl who immediately started grinding on me. I checked my watch. It was indeed time for the P. I said forget Kevin. “Let me see what’s up with the P” The way she was dancing said I might salvage something out of the night.I cupped a cheek and it was all systems go!

I did the obligatory name check. I was Jason. She was slurring or it was too loud to catch, so I invited her to the couches on the balcony so we could talk. Also, the light was better. I wanted to see what I was working with. I took a step to lead her in that direction and immediately realized I had been holding her up the whole time. She dropped STRAIGHT to the floor. STRAIGHT DOWN! In all my years of drinking and seeing people fall down, no one fell that quickly or directly to the ground.

If only the panties dropped that quick… only the panties! She dropped with the panties still on.

“Oh shit! This bitch done died!”

I picked her up quickly so no one would think I killed her. I carried her to the same couches where I intended to make my move. Instead of sitting down with her and instigating the stimulating conversation I’m known for, I plopped her ‘dead’ body across the corner of the couch. I hoped to be able to prop her up in the corner.

I got her name out of her. Not one the most coherent conversations. IT took quite a while for just a name. I couldn’t get a friends name. Someone had to rescue me from this. I didn’t drive. I could barely get her name. How would I find out where she lived even if I could get her home. So I went to the DJ for help. He gave her a shout out for her friends. No one responded. Panic started to set in. The club was closing and this girls was lost. She couldn’t come with us. I was on a P mission and my mom told me not to try drunk girls. She said they would just throw up on me. And, as hardheaded as I am, I had already learned on my own by this time.

She saved herself from being left on the couch by saying she remembered where her car was parked. Thank God. I would have to carry her down the loooonnnnng stairs and two blacks around the corner. Did I mention the loooonnnnnng escalators the only way in and out AND they were turned off? I passed Seth on the way out.

“Come on! We been looking for you. We’re out of here.”

“Just give me a minute to walk her to her car.”

“Fuck that drunk bitch. We’re leaving you.”

“Leave then. Fuck it. I’ll walk!”

The car was not that far. Luckily her friends showed up just as we did. Her purse was safe. I was a hero. A bunch of thank yous from the friends. I turned red. But I had to go catch Seth and Greg.

I didn’t have to go too far to get to where the Dually was parked. Unfortunately, they were gone. I called Greg. I could barely hear him over the noise. They were at another party or Jerry’s (it turned out to be Jerry’s).

“Tell old girl to drop you here”

“I already left them. Don’t trip”

I walked.

Fatigue had set in. I had a weird, wild, looong night. I was on Fairfax and Santa Monica. It was nearly a straight shot home. Unfortunately, Los Angeles is not a 24 hour city. The busses had just stopped running. Cabs don’t come to cell phones. I had no address to tell them. So I walked.

The initial plan was to walk to an address. But leaving from the more conservative edge of West Hollywood, going through the Yiddish part of town to my side of town at three in the morning, no such luck.

It was nine miles. It took two hours. I started out mad. But by the time I got home I was good. I did a good thing. I did tell my boys to leave me. I was non the owrse. I crashed out.

That was just the intro. This story ain’t over.

Six months later, I had moved out and got a house with Greg. Pure bachelor pad. We each had waterbeds. (So throwback) The kitchen had a bar in it. The living room had a pool table. Focus.

One night Greg and I went out with my Immaculate Heart’s home girls. (another book). We stopped at someone’s apartment to meet up. A girl was there I’d never seen before. I had action! It was a satellite friend. Not wanting to be obvious I went into sniper mode. Maybe I could pick her off while no one was looking. She was slim. I was into that at the time. And then, like Rich Boy, God threw some Ds on that girl! Whew! I had to have her.

She started complaining about her boyfriend. Same story. He ain’t shit. She don’t know why she puts up with his bitch assedness. He wants to live together but ain’t got no job. Blah Blah Blah…

I wanted to say - Stop complaining. You either like him or you don’t. He either ain’t shit or he is. I was tired of girls saying what they want and choosing the opposite. Dump him or shut up.

It was time to drink.

In fact, Shallona did say that. She stopped talking about him after that. We just went out and had fun. Greg and I ended up riding with Shallona and her. They dropped Greg and I home. We dropped cards on them. Greg and I were players.

I ended up getting a call from Monique a day or two later. Greg left something in her car. She’d be happy to bring it over. Greg was gone. I was home alone. Monique came. (wink) I invited her to stay a while and chill. She agreed. We played cards and talked.

She was a teacher. Teachers are hot. She lived with her parents in Pasadena. I was right off the 110. She didn’t have anything to do that Saturday. Her boyfriend played basketball in a grown up park league. She didn’t like to go there. She felt like he was cheating on her with some of the girls there. The girls liked to get in her face. I’m sure he was. The girls were just rubbing it in her face. I can spot a cheater halfway around the world.

I offered her a drink. She said she didn’t drink much. She had a wild experience at a club. My ears perked up! I like drunk stories. And maybe there was a freak underneath. So I asked. She just said she drank too much and didn’t remember how she got home. Apparently her homeboy had died and they were in funeral mode AKA a lot of liquor. I’d been there. Maybe she needed to talk and I could get her to open up the freak. So we talked. I finally asked who died.

“Billy-Jack”

“Billy-Jack?”

“Were yall at Sky Sushi?”

“Yes”

“I walked home from there that same night”

“Really? You were there?”

“Yeah I helped a girl to her car and lost my ride.”

I told he all about that night. I started with little Kevin and as I was telling her about the girl, we both realized she was the girl. She filled in her part.

She had staggered out of VIP where the liquor was REALLY flowing. She didn’t remember what she drank only that there were lots of glasses of it. She had asked her girlfriend who I was. Unfortunately, I didn’t have my cards back then. Her friend had to tell her about me. Homegirl made me sound like a knight in shining armor.

I looked into her eyes. I had her. One problem. I didn’t do girlfriends. She didn’t do casual. I understood. Into the entourage she’d go.

It meant we’d be friends. We liked each other. Things just wouldn’t work. Carl Thomas was in order. Then I had a mission to steal her from her boyfriend without committing to anything. 5 years later, Dream sung the song and I felt nostalgia for Monique.

We really started hanging out. She told me all about Jesse. I listened. She met Jesse two weeks after the Sky Sushi episode. He pushed up on her tough. She fell for it. Her parents didn’t like him. His mother thought she was too good for him. I thought so too.

She told Jesse the Sky Sushi story including the update about us running into each other and hanging out. Jesse didn’t like that. They fought about her coming over. I guess she won. She still came over.

She wanted us to all hang out. I guess she wanted me to see what she saw in him. Or maybe, I was supposed to rub off on him. The ambition. The independence. Then she’d have it all. It didn’t work

She was afraid of Jesse. I began to think there was violence in their relationship. That got my blood boiling. I don’t do hitting women. Later, I realized he just played her like a violin. He was all talk. She was more afraid of the confrontation that would arise if she stood up for herself and left him. All the jaw jacking that would ensue. Sometimes people would rather a physical fight over being talked at.

Karen invited Greg and I to a hotel party with Monique and Jesse. Finally, I’d get to see him. I’d get to see the loser in person. On the way, Karen told us our names were Sean and Chris. Karen and Monique didn’t want any trouble. Whatever! I just wanted to see this loser up close.

The hotel was what I expected. A motel. The kind of place without a lobby, concierge or room service. The party was a gathering. That’s all that would fit anyway. There were only a couple of friends. Monique and Karen were the only girls. Being that Jesse lived with his mom, apparently, he and his friends just needed a place to smoke weed and chill. It was a sad scene

Greg and I came to drink. We drank what little they had. I may have had to hit my flask. Sitting there was excruciating. Monique couldn’t talk to me. We had good conversations. Karen was sticking to Greg and me. Jesse was smoking with his boys. Monique was left all alone. We were ready to leave quickly. We played it off for a while. We didn’t want to leave Monique. I didn’t want to leave her. Karen checked on her before we left. She was good. That was the life she chose.

Liberating a woman completely is a tough task. Any fool can convince a woman who’s into relationships to switch. What I was trying to do was get Monique to stand on her own. It was a test of endurance and patience. And if some P fell my way in the midst, that was good too! It took all of my focus. Any wrong step could damage her for life. I must admit that I damaged a few women with my rash choices. I wanted to be different so I did this different.

I almost had her. Day by day. Inch by inch. Drink by drink. I built her confidences up. Slowly she let her guard down. I was one step away from liberation when I gave up.

In the end, I chickened out. I was moving to Vegas soon so I let her off the hook. I can say why I really let her off the hook.

Monique was a woman who could be perfectly happy in the stability of a bad relationship. Who was I to change that? Maybe all the knight in shining armor talk went to my head. I chase P. End of story.

Jesse won. They’re married with a child now. She definitely ain’t going nowhere. He knows that. They have a regular L.A. working class life. They’re content.

My dad said he learned something from every woman he ever dated. I’d like that to be true for me too. I can’t say I dated Monique but we spent enough time together for me to learn something. (And she is a teacher)

I guess she showed me what kind of man I was. What I was capable of and what I would actually do. I loved her. She just wasn’t for me.

If I hadn’t let Monique off the hook, I’d have won. But what would I have won? I’d have let Monique be my girlfriend for as long as it took for the lie to catch us. I would have messed up, possibly damaging her irreparably.

At least this way, she can just be herself. God willing, she got enough confidence and independence from me make it work. Who knows? Time will tell…

What I Learn Daily 2-4-10

By following my potential and my passion, I fulfill my divine purpose.

Today I ask myself: Am I doing what I love? If the answer is no, perhaps it is time to reevaluate why I am pursuing something that may be out of alignment with my heart’s desires.
To discover my divine purpose, I turn within and see what lights my inner flame. As I consider different options, I feel an immediate surge of energy, creativity and excitement as I connect with my purpose and discover my true calling.
Perhaps I am hesitant to proceed for some reason. If this is the case, I take the matter directly to God in prayer. There is a way for me to follow my passion and fulfill my potential. The perfect path awaits if I have the courage to believe.

The quote is Matthew Chapter Nine, Verse 28. READ the complete chapter and focus on the end.

I will find out on March 27th. Or possibly before that. Today begins the Writing Blitz. Write. Write. Write. Writing like I’ve never written before. No TV! (Or very little) No Video Games! Definitely taking a vow of celibacy. Perhaps no masturbation. Perhaps! A LOT of meditation. Chapter 2 of The Master Key Program. “Think about nothing” WOW!

So let’s see what comes out of a commitment to my potential and my passion.

And remember the question - are you doing what you love and living up to your potential?

What I Learner Daily 1-25-10

Connected to the Spirit, my life is in perfect harmony.

Voices in harmony create a delicious blending, a beautiful sound. Hearing it brings pure joy. Conversely, when harmony is off, the imbalance is disturbing.
It is that way in my life also. At times, I may get sidetracked, focused on the ways in which my life appears to be flawed. In that frame of mind, I feel disconnected and discontented. But as I become aware of my disharmony, I can make adjustments.
Just as musicians must listen carefully and bring their voices into alignment to create harmony, I, too, must listen in order to bring myself into alignment with Spirit. When I am in sync with God, harmony is the inspiring result. I am blessed and at peace.

Apparently Colossians Chapter 3 has a lot to offer Christians in the way of instruction. This time the verse was 3:14. See why I just say read the whole chapter! (Two weeks ago it was 3:12)
Let me give you some more as well. Nehemiah Chapter 8. 1 Corinthians Chapter 12. And Luke Chapters 1 and 4.

In the midst of our individual journeys, we will realize that we are all working together in the Spirit. Now, it gets a little tricky here. If we’ve all been studying and practicing, not only should we each be in touch with our own gifts, we should be OK working in conjunction with each other for the greater good of the body of Christ. This may be the final frontier. We are all so easily connected nowadays. Then why is it so hard?
The Master Key System insists you not read ahead in order for the system to work. Perhaps, we should do the same. The hard part in living harmoniously is finding your place in the universe. Quite a few of us have skipped that part. In becoming Christian, we want to pick and choose. Most of us want to be Apostles, Pastors, or Deacons. A few (I hope a miniscule amount) want to walk on water. And still some are just lost with no idea. If you incorrectly choose or never find out at all, you’ll end up a leach, parasite or cancer in the body of Christ. Worse, you may become a hater.
So I say here, on this monument to codependence and nosiness, be alone sometimes. The first lesson in The Master Key System is just to sit in silence for 15-30 minutes. (I’m still working on it. It’s as hard as hell.) You can think what you want but you can’t move a muscle. I’m nearly there but it’s been over a week. I can see the point may be to gain focus. I can also see how far I have to go. [There are like 24 parts]

Be alone in silence sometimes. SILENCE. No music. Not even jazz or gospel. No phones. No PHONES. Shut it all the way off. It’s hard. But it’s only hard until it’s easy.

Then listen for your part. And when you hear it jump in. And once you’re in there, be in there. Be present in what you’re doing in life. Be you and DO you! The more you know how to properly do your own thing, the less like you are to be distracted by others doing their thing. Keep in mind 1 Corinthians Chapter 12. There are WAY more roles for people to fill. Some may not seem as important as others right now. However, the more comfortable you are with yourself and your role in the universe the less you tend to worry about other people’s journey. And only when you are secure with your own progress in your journey will you be able to recognize the harmony around you.
Like my boy Wood just told me – “Get your shit together…” so we can create a beautiful symphony.

The Joys Of Niggardom

Quite often, when discussing niggers and niggardom, I have been overly critical. Let me try a different approach. Let's talk about the benefits of niggardom. When done correctly, a good nigger can lead an easy, responsibility free, and perhaps (in a very few cases) rich life!

Let’s look at just a few of the reasons why niggardom has spread across race lines and even nationality. (Believe me there are French niggers and Australian niggers and even Swiss niggers.) And if you don't believe me -

Jersey Shore Thursdays @ 10pm on MTV.

#1. You don’t have ANY responsibilities.

•  EVEN if you have kids, someone else is taking care of them! You and your kids live at your mom’s, grandma’s, aunt’s, or all the above’s house. You don’t pay bills because you are perpetually “getting on your feet”. [What the fuck does that mean?]

#2. Anything you do is overachieving.

•  You don’t do shit...
  That’s it.

#C. It’s not your fault. They were just hating.

•  The cops were just hating on you when they busted your meth lab. It had to be your beggin ass neighbors, complaining because you went up on the price. So what if the neighbor’s shed on the other side of you blew up mysteriously a few months ago. That ain’t no reason to be snooping around. Trailer parks blow up all the time!

#Last. You don’t have to be on time.

•  This probably derives from not having responsibilities. No one expects you to be anywhere. So why would you get there on time?

Oh yeah. I ain’t stopping. How many people thought this was actually going to be positive? Niggers beware. I’m going harder than ever!

My Resolution

My brain’s been so scattered lately. So many adjustments. A lot of work. It’s all so worth it. I’m loving the pressure and enjoying the rewards! And then comes New Years…

Not being in L.A. had me thinking a bit about change. Now I can understand why we change our clocks twice a year. (It’s agrarian. [All about crops and farming] Look it up!)
But why is it exactly that the beginning of a New Year is the automatic life changing event of the year?

So many of us want to lose weight. Why is the coldest month of the year when you decide to go running? Is that very motivational?

Does it have to do with all the money we waste on spoiling bad children? [Not your children, of course. The other ones!] We feel bad so we have to readjust our lives? We have to reorganize our priorities? Maybe.

And not to hate on our festivities, but how well are we going to be able to hold onto these new habits if spend the night being fake at church or wake up with a hangover in a strange bed? I’m just askin’

Please believe I’m all for change and growth. I’m just a little skeptical on this one. My usual optimism is actually stepping out of the way on it’s on to ask – FOR REAL?

You gonna lose weight, again? You gonna shake them haters after you been drinking with them all night? You gonna start saving as soon as you get that refund check.

A friend of a friend said – “Let Go Of The BS...No Room For It In 2010!!!” @Scherell Irby [I gotta give EVERYONE their citations]. But then I asked myself, how many times have I heard that. Shit, I may have even said it myself! Why is that phrase so familiar? Have we been taking turns saying that Bull Shit for the last 10 years [At Least!]?

Can we stop? Can we make on final resolution? A big enough one to keep us challenged for years to come. Let’s take the pressure off ourselves. We have to lose 30 pounds then keep it off because we don’t want to have the same resolution next year. Then we have to start saving (after we buy Hummer with the children’s o’ so small college fund) and keep that going or else we’ll be broke and overweight. And then we have to keep shaking haters and trying not to meet weird people so we won’t have no haters next December to shake. You feeling the pressure yet? Does it make you want some cheesecake? You wanna go to the bar with some random assed drinking partners from Yahoo Friends? Are you fretting failing at three things and STILL having to come up with an original resolution 3 years from now. Are you imagining being broke, fat, and lonely? You getting it yet?

Maybe it’s just me. I’m a procrastinator. I set my own deadlines and break them. Maybe I need to stop and conform to societies rules on growth. Let me see if I can focus on that. One year to grow. Then another one. Then another one. What if my journey is a lifetime though? (See, I didn’t make it too long!) Maybe I need some Ritalin. PSYCHE!

How about next year, we take the time off to evaluate our progress on our journey. I don’t know about you all but it seems strange to see something not working in February and waiting until December to consider making a change. How about we just celebrate our continual growth? Thinking about celebrating where we’ve been and where we’re going seems a little like having two birthdays but this next New Years will officially be a group thing. We’ll each have our own birthdays then we’ll come together and celebrate each other’s accomplishments.

I think that sounds good. Like I said on New Year’s Eve, if you don’t know that I love you. I’ll spend all year (every year) showing you. So the celebration next year is going to be HUGE. As long as we all commit to loving each other more.

If you wake up looking at your workout gear then look past it to the window and see snow or rain or For The Love of Ray J on TV, don’t get discouraged. Grab the phone and call someone. Tell them you love them and let them love you back. Let’s stop spending our children’s college funds and start a business together. And at some point we all have to meet up and beat up some haters. I have a feeling though, when we get together the haters will magically disappear.

So what do think?

Good idea, Bad idea?

Black And Brown: Election 2008

This democratic primary is making me upset. First, Black women come under fire because some choose to vote for Hillary Clinton and not Barrack Obama. Today, minority voters are showing splits between hispanic and black voters because hispanic voters don't trust Obama to represent them once in office. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. The representation of this primary in the news has not benefited the Democratic Party. There is simply too much division! And the worst part is, the division is among under-represented groups. The saddest thing I ever see is broke people fighting over a nickel to give to the wealthy, so the wealthy can throw the poor more crumbs to fight over at their amusement. We are Bum Fights 2008. A few republicans are having a grand old time watching Black people, Brown people, and women weaken the major focus of this campaign. CHANGE (That is change for the better!)

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one upset by this division. This is not what our leaders died for. You know I'm so upset I can't wtite any more...

Am I missing something?


Have we ever been able to come together on anything? The Browns and the Blacks has/have always been divided and will probably always will. Many of us don't know who we are, many of us don't know the promises that were made, many of us don't care that we are a chose people, people chosen by God. But will we ever see those promises come to fruition? I wonder, because we've chosen to put our selves in the dunce seat. Step N Fetchit is alive and well once again. The Black and the Browns are still a source of amusements for the Others.

Not at all. It's sad to say, but this is the reality that we live in. We are a divided people. Everyone will (hopefully) think and analyze and decide for him/herself which candidate they believe will do a better job. I think a lot of what's going on has to do with Barrack's perceived inexperience and Hillary's perceived advantagous experience. But, then again, I guess this is what democracy is about. Our leaders fought for our right to vote. As great of a tragedy as it is to see disadvantaged people fight amongst themselves and to see the advantaged in our country benefit from it, I think it is a greater tragedy if the disadvantaged didn't disagree with each other at all. For if that were the case, they wouldn't be involved in the democratic process at all. So while it saddens me to see what is going on, I have to say that part of me is content with it because at least there are most people from this demographic involved in the political process now than I can remember at any recent time. Let's just hope that whomever the nominee is, that we can rally behind them and support them through the rest of their campaign.

WORD!
No I don't think you're missing anything and the analogy of the crumbs is a good one. I was just discussing the paradigms ,that are perpetuating this divide, with my coworker yesterday.

He was talking about how the socio-econimic paradigm we live within has created divides or categories even within poverty. He pointed out white poverty versus black poverty, male poverty versus female poverty, and rural poverty versus urban poverty. I couldn't disagree with his assertions.

But I did point out to him that the paradigm is not new. It has existed since before the advent of the U.S. as a country. It is not new it is long seated and deeply ingrained.

Yet, the fact that people like ourselves are having these conversations point to the hope of change....and I don't mean in the sense of some political movement.

I think there are more of us that will rally behind either democratic candidate despite the divisive speech and childish antics some of our peers are exhibiting.

I'd have to agree with Theo on this one. The participation within the democratic party has superceded that of previous years. People do want change and they are voicing their opinions by voting. I think if Barack Obama was not running, I 'may' rally behind Clinton, but personally, I feel he is the best candidate, despite his perceived inexperience (in comparison to Hillary's years of experience - including the 4 years she played the role as the wife of the President...). One of these democratic candidates will be the primary democratic candidate. When that happens, hopefully all - inclusive of men, women, blacks, hispanics, etc.. will rally together and elect a democratic candidate. This primary campaign has proved that people DO have the know how and capability of coming out to the polls and voting. So if we combine the support gathered by Obama and Clinton, a DEMOCRATIC candidate shall be elected! This country needs a democratic president, more than it has ever before (in our lifetime). Both Clinton and Obama's plan takes into account universal health care, ending the war on Iraq, and other pertinent issues, so this will benefit the masses. Last but not least, for your Texas, Ohio, Vermont, and Rhode Island friends - cast your vote if you haven't already. This is a vital time in history. I suggest you vote for Obama because he is NOT indebted to ANY lobbyist and he is in a position to evoke change that will be holistically benefit the American people. His grassroots movement has surpassed all prediction. If you are a Texan, voting isn't enough. We need you to be at your precints by 7pm tonight. Do the Texas 2 step by voting AND caucusing.

Barack the Vote!!

Poetry from the Last Poets

This is not mine, but I was watching "Poetic Justice" ...

These are The Last Poets (If you don't know...) I used to try to bogard my Dad's albums and listen to them. (I heard them too!) AND...

Declaration 3 (For 1 and 2 ) - There will be poetry this year.
In Abundance!
With no further ado

Niggers Are Scared Of Revolution
Umar Bin Hassan


Niggers are scared of the revolution
But niggers shouldn't be scared of the revolution
Because the revolution is nothing but change
And all niggers do is change
Niggers come in from work and change into pimping clothes
And hit the streets to make some quick change
Niggers change their hair from black to red to blond
And hope like hell that their looks will change
Niggers kill other niggers
Just because one didn't receive the correct change
Niggers change from men to women
From women to men
Niggers change, change, change
You hear niggers say
Things are changing, Things are changing
Yeah, things are changing
Niggers change into black nigger things
Black nigger things that go through all kinds of changes
The change in the day that makes them rant and rave
Black power, black power
And the change that comes over them at night
As they sigh and moan
White thighs, ooohh, white thighs
Niggers are always going through bullshit change
But when it comes to real change
Niggers are scared of the revolution

Niggers are actors, niggers are actors
Niggers act like they are in a hurry
To catch the first act of the great white hope
Niggers try to act like Malcolm
And when the white man
Doesn't react to them like he did Malcolm
Niggers want to act violently
Niggers act so cool and slick
Causing white people to say
What makes you niggers act like that?
Niggers act like you ain't never seen nobody act before
But when it comes to acting out revolution
Niggers say "I can't dig them actions!
Niggers are scared of the revolution

Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about getting high
And riding around in Els
Niggers should get high and ride to hell
Niggers talk about pimping
Pimping that, pimping what
Pimping your's, pimping mine
Just to be pimping, is a helluva line
Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about the mind
Talk about my mind is stronger than yours
I got that bitch's mind up tight
Niggers don't know a damn thing about the mind
Or they'd be right
Niggers are scared of the revolution

Niggers fuck, Niggers fuck, fuck, fuck
Niggers love the word fuck
They think they're so fucking cute
They fuck you around
The first thing they say when they're mad – fuck it!!
You play a little too much with them
They say fuck you!
When it's time to tcb
Niggers are somewhere fucking
Try and be nice to them
They fuck over you
Niggers don't realize while they're doing all this fucking
They're getting fucked around
And when they do realize, It's too late
So niggers just get fucked up

Niggers talk about fucking
Fucking that, fucking this, Fucking your's, fucking my sis
Not knowing what they're fucking for
They ain't fucking for love and appreciation
Just fucking to be fucking
Niggers fuck
White thighs, black thighs, yellow thighs, brown thighs
Niggers fuck ankles when they ran out of thighs
Niggers fuck Sally, Linda and Sue
And if you don't watch out
Niggers will fuck you
Niggers would fuck fuck it could be fucked
But when it comes to revolutionary causes
Niggers say – fuck revolution!
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers are players, Niggers are players, are players
Niggers play, football, baseball, and basketball
While the white man
Is cutting off their balls
When the niggers' play ain't tight enough
To play with some black thighs
Niggers play with white thighs
To see if they still have some play left
And when there ain't no white thighs to play with
Niggers play with themselves
Niggers tell you they're ready to be liberated
But when you say let's go take our liberation
Niggers reply – I was just playin'!
Niggers are playing with revolution
And losing
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers do a lot of shooting, Niggers do a lot of shooting
Niggers shoot off at the mouth
Niggers shoot pool, niggers shoot craps
Niggers cut around the corners, And shoot down the street
Niggers shoot sharp glances at white women
Niggers shoot dope into their arm
Niggers shoot guns and rifles for New Year's Eve
(A new year that is coming in
The white police will do more shooting at them)
Where are niggers when revolution needs some shots?
Yeah you know, Niggers are somewhere shooting the shit
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers are lovers, Niggers are lovers, are lovers
Niggers love to see Clark Gable make love to Marilyn Monroe
Niggers love to see Tarzan fuck all the natives
Niggers to hear the Lone Ranger yell, Hi ho, Silver!
Niggers love commercials, Niggers love commercials
Oh, how niggers love commercials
"You can take niggers out of the country but,
You can't take the country out of niggers!!"
Niggers are lovers, are lovers, are lovers
Niggers loved to hear Malcolm rap
But they didn't love Malcolm
Niggers love everything but themselves
But I'm a lover too, yes I'm a lover too
I love niggers, I love niggers, I love niggers
Because niggers are me
And I should only love that which is me
I love to see niggers go through changes, Love to see niggers act
Love to see niggers make them plays, And shoot the shit
But there is one thing about niggers I do not love
Niggers are scared of revolution!



Buy the album to hear the real artist perform this.