Chasing The P: Tammy & Kathryn

Chasing The P: Tammy & Kathryn

LaShawn asked a question: “Men: Do you really NOT know when a woman your boy might be interested in is really MORE interested in YOU?! Or do you really know but NOT trying to go there with her because you know your boy is feeling her? ~ He's my "Bro", she's my "Sister" crap Kills me Ortega!”

This was the short answer:

(Part 1) I kind of get what you're asking. This is just a flirting situation. She would have to shut my boy down completely for me to notice. The reason I'm ignorant of her intentions is because I'm actually ignoring her until she turns my boy down. Unless that happens, she's with him

(Part 2) It's because women won't say anything straight out. That's the point of this whole post. IF a woman just said "I like you. I don't like him" or vice-versa, men wouldn't jump to conclusions. If we have to guess, I'm erring on the side of optimism. That means whipping it out. All you can do is tell me to put it back

This was my long answer:

I owe a lot of my early love life to Anthony. In the days before we had cars, our own places, and any money at all, Anthony was the best wing man ever. If I could just match that productivity now, I’d be a trillionaire. He was on the phone tough during any free time we had and could sell ice to Eskimos.

In 1993, one of the best years ever, he called me. We had dates to the movies. He had met a girl who had a friend. (Oh those days…) “My girl” was named Kathryn. “His” was Tammy. To the Culver City we went. The Marina was to meet girls; Culver City was the low-key date movie theater.

Tammy was gorgeous. Very petite, the most beautiful face, and she dressed well. If Anthony hadn’t told me he met her already, I would have chosen her. Kathryn was beautiful too. She had a nice figure, cute face, and her accent was attractive. She was American, Black, from Los Angeles but she spoke so different. She was cool.

Anthony had given me the rundown. Both were: private school girls (different private schools), best friends, lived down the street from each other.

For almost two years, Tammy and Kathryn were our main dates. I was getting serious about Kathryn but things moved slowly. Kathryn couldn't have boyfriends and she didn’t always get to come out. That became a big problem and eventually the end of Kathryn and I.

Tammy, however, was the focal point of all our kicking it. She had other friends and would invite them if Kathryn couldn't make it. She and Anthony’s relationship was strange. According to him, she had a boyfriend she wasn't faithful to. She spent A LOT of time with us though. Her mom loved me. Most parents did then. I was the master of the living room.

I didn't think of it then but Anthony shared a little too much about their relationship. It occurred to me that I knew too much about some P that I wasn't getting and would probably never get. All that mattered was Tammy was cool and she had friends. AND we had something to do nearly all the time. I could always ask Anthony to call Tammy to get it popping if Chasing the P elsewhere wasn't going well. Over the years I've had a ton of homegirls. Tammy may have been my first real homegirl.

Homegirls are essential to Chasing the P. A good one has plenty of satellite friends that you can hook up with. Unfortunately, I got out of hand with Chasing the P one night or twice when Kathryn wasn't able to come out. Her name was Sheri. She appeared to be the perfect satellite friend. Anthony told me she was easy and Tammy told me she wouldn’t tell so I went for it. That was end Kathryn. For a month or two I was so sad/mad at myself, I actually started listening to R&B for more than making sex tapes. I realized what Babyface was talking about.

Fortunately, Tammy kept in touch for five more years. She would call every once in a while. I wanted to call her but I intentionally ‘forgot’ her number out of respect for whatever she had going on with Anthony. There are rules to Chasing the P. Tammy was awesome and she still had friends. After high school, I wasn't playing any games. All of my networking was connected in some way to Chasing the P. Anthony rarely mentioned Tammy anymore. I definitely looked forward to her calls. Initially, I wanted to fish for news of Kathryn but, soon, I just wanted to talk to Tammy.

By the time we were twenty Anthony and I were growing apart. We had different friends and priorities. We were still talking and hanging out when I mentioned seeing Tammy on the street one day. Anthony told me she had a boyfriend and had ended their sexual relationship. Now, I wished I remembered Tammy’s number. I don’t do my boy’s left-overs but Tammy was different. I wanted to know everything. There was only one way to find out.

A few weeks or a few months later, Tammy called. For the first time ever, she mentioned her and Anthony’s relationship. She only said that he was acting strange and didn’t talk to her that often. After all these years, I assumed I could speak frankly. Plus, L.A. was being born. I just told the truth as I knew it, as subtly as a dump truck…

“That’s because yall ain't fucking no more.”

“WHAT???”

I repeated.

What happened in the next five/ten minutes was the above story from Tammy’s perspective. There were some MAJOR differences.

Contrary to Anthony’ story, the day I met Tammy was EVERYONE’s first time meeting. She hoped I was Anthony, she confessed. She had always considered Anthony just a homeboy. There was no sex of any type going on between the two. I asked about instances where he would maneuver her to her bedroom. She claimed they were talking about some other girl he was supposed to be dating.

So many things started to make sense, like why Anthony never made her a main girl when she was the finest thing he ever shook hands with. I was about to ask more questions, like if she ever actually had an STD. (Maybe I WAS naive. I just didn't see a reason for my best friend to lie to me.) I was too overwhelmed by those first few revelations. I completely forgot my mission to find out everything.

What proceeded afterwards was a bunch of lies and misdirection. At the end of it all, I wouldn’t talk to Tammy for many years. A few months later, neither would I talk to Anthony.

After that, it was hard to trust my “friends” when it came to women. And I don’t want to hear any of it when it comes to someone (Anyone) else’s sex lives. Even when it comes to counseling, friends are encouraged to spare me the details.

The most important realization came much, much later. I listened to Babyface so much after the Kathryn episode that “For The Cool In You” (the album) still takes me back. I was listening to ‘When Can I see You Again’ and it all came back. I would usually turn Babyface off when nostalgia started coming. This time I let it come. The whole story flashed through my head and I finally got it. Tammy liked me. For the first time, I listened to Babyface for a girl I never dated…

It took years for the day to come when I got it. By then it was too late.

At the end of it all, it hurt more to lose Tammy than it did to lose Kathryn, and not because of the satellite friends. She meant a lot to me. And I never told her. I still wish it was her instead of Kathryn. 

So no, LaShawn, men don’t know when a woman is more interested in them than their friend and  we don’t want to go there out of respect for our friends, even if our friends don’t extend the same respect. It may take years if we ever do realize it. And by then, it’ll be too late.