The Jiggaboo Jeanine and Jason Show - Preview

This is just a preview for an upcoming talk show featuring my good friend Jeanine and myself. NSFW and NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!!! We talk about serious issues going on in the world in the rawest and most honest way we know how.

Buckle Up! It's going to get dirty!

Sponsored by Oovoo and The Think Tank!

Dumbing Down to Sell My Intelligence

I am the magical negro.

No I’m not. In fact, I may fight the next person who tries me up like that.

I am, however, very likely the smartest person you have ever met. I’m not bragging. I’m just repeating what I often hear and have heard since I left Brentwood. (Does that mean I’ve been associating myself with dumber and dumber people?)  I hope that’s not so because I have to make some changes.

Being a helpful person AND so intelligent, the greedy and selfish are always lurking as well as the lazy and dreamless. I’m just tired. Now that I am absolutely certain I can’t help everyone nor can I work with everyone,  I must avoid the users at all costs.

It’s time. This shit is getting out of hand. I am officially no longer concerned with anyone’s insecurities about dealing with me. ANYONE. I dimmed my lights for far too long to make people comfortable and they (All of them) STILL have to get their shit together. I’ve spilled out million dollar ideas and blessed people with the tools to create wealth. I’ve even slaved myself to build other people’s dreams. The results? Nothing. No success for anyone involved. The greedy just ask for more. The selfish are still asking why their shit doesn’t work. The lazy are still waiting on someone to carry them. And I’m tired and beat.

People think my help is magic. It’s not. They imagine I’m a genie they just rub the right way and blessings just fall out my ass.

What really happens is more like this:

Yeah, we’re in a C1. But, we’re at burger king:

When I could building you yachts, you wanna floss at Burger King. And I only chose that picture because that guy is supposed to be the latest “magical negro”. But, like I stated in the last Burger King Blog, it’s Burger King. If those are all the dreams you have, you need to just step aside. My dreams will use your dreams as a tax write off. If you have bigger dreams and you refuse to take any steps towards them, you need to Get The Fuck Out of the Way. I can eat your dreams and shit out dreams bigger than anything you can imagine.

All that is to say - I am disappointed in quite a few people. And because I have been blessed with many brilliant alternatives, I mean, I have so many new acquaintances, mentors and inspirations; I must shoot some people to the curb.

So! New Rules:

                I will not work with you without a vision. You and your ‘business’ must have a missions statement for me to even talk to you about life.

                I am not a secretary. I am a writer. I write. You want a letter, resume, some shit typed up/edited; hire a typist. I might actually do those things but not for free and you can’t afford me.

                I am willing and prepared to do some free work to establish myself. That does not mean I want to be involved in your slavery ring.

                If you don’t have your shit together, be prepared to pay. My advice is find someone else. I charge extra for doing extra and you can’t afford me.

                I am in love with networking, working online and home businesses. That does not mean I want to sign up to sell off brand coffee. The only businesses I am interested in that aren’t mine are Amway, Herbalife, and Traverus. I will not commit my time to anything else. Quit trying to sell me on ‘no selling’. GTFOH

                If you want to know what I know, go back to elementary school Billy Madison. I suggest Brentwood Science Magnet. It worked well for me. If you are my age and failed to learn what I have learned, what makes your dumb ass think I can tell you what I know in five minutes? I probably couldn’t teach you if I had the rest of your life.

You cannot have a dime from me. Today, I don’t even have a dime to give but it’s coming. I’ve seen what you do with money. Financially, most of you need to be wearing helmets on the short bus and get lunch tickets. No allowance. No lunch money. That’s all

                IF (IF IF IF) I work with you, Shut The Fuck Up! Whatever you have been doing for the last whatever days/months/years is stupid. If it was smart, I would be working FOR you. Or, you wouldn’t need me at all. There is no nicer way to say this. Believe me, I have tried millions (TRILLIONS) of variations. [I’m exaggerating. It was more like thousands]Trying to use my intelligence to fix your dumb ideas is like putting a mango salsa on rotten steak.  That shit don’t match and it’s too late anyway. Just take this recipe and eat up.

Just be honest. I know you’re a moron. But I’m still talking to you. You didn’t succeed in fooling me into believing you are on my level. You’re just wasting your own time. I’m, at least, getting a little laugh at you pretending to know things.  Just tell me what you want and I will tell you how I can help you get there. Sound simple? It is. That’s why I do the thinking

I may seem vain or mean. But so what? How inconsiderate is it to ask me to dumb down my intelligence for your cockamamie schemes? How retarded is it to spend time chasing thousand dollar dreams that have failed already when I have million dollar plans in my trash can? Just take one and run with it.

I must apologize. I just came up with this quote that I’m going to use again later this week for an entirely different subject. Michael Jordan doesn’t play pickup games. I may have misled a few people by even considering doing something like that. For that, I apologize. But know I won’t be getting involved in amateur hour.

That’s it. I still Love. I’m still generous. I just had to put some things out in the open so that people understand (If they care to know) why I can’t work with them and so future people know right off the bat how to approach me.

For the most part, people don’t have to worry. I won’t be around long enough to concern anyone. Like I said before, I am being blessed to get back into circles of intelligence. That means less time slumming it. It was fun. I had some good times, a lot of laughs and a ton of stories to tell. I’ll leave behind some instructions. If you ever bother to learn how to read, maybe I’ll see you again on the other side of success.

It’s bed time. Goodnight all. Goodbye some…

New Letter To My Probation Officer

I am writing instead of calling to inform you that I will not be returning to Georgia. I have made many attempts to explain the danger I expect having to return to Georgia. Since I am much clearer in writing, let me be straight.

I am not a criminal. I was too wide open in Georgia and involved with criminal elements. Although I did not plan to move to Los Angeles in this manner, I am grateful to be away from the criminal elements I was associated with. I must take offense at any suggestions that I “live on the streets” just to be within the law. There are MORE criminals on the streets. To make such a suggestion implies that there is no concern for my safety or rehabilitation. I don’t know what the priority is in that office but it is not growth or improvement.

I know I agreed to return to Georgia, after much urging and over-talking from Supervisor Fowler. After our most recent conversation (as soon as I hung the phone) I realized that we were talking about two pieces of paper. Mr. Fowler suggested he could fill out a warrant for my arrest if I failed to return. I am asking for a transfer form to be completed. The question of why this office seems to prefer one over the other keeps playing over and over in my mind.

I am not running. I am cooperating to the best of my ability. I will continue to call or email at regular intervals. I continue to live at 4150 w 60^th street, Los Angeles CA 90043. My phone numbers are 323-293-7555 and 323-710-7428. I am still looking for a stable income. I am truly a law abiding citizen. Please allow me to remain so.

I appreciate you reading this. If I do not hear from you in the next month, I will call.

Sincerely,

Jason Sloan

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back (And got me back writing...)

I’ve had it!

With all the incessant Trayvonn Martin coverage, the ridiculous hoodie marches to nowhere to achieve nothing, I’m already at my limit. Then every “Black writer” wants to add their own “individual” injustice to the mix. After three weeks of incessant blogs, and post, and status updates and tweets, I have to ask myself “what is the purpose?”

For all things there is a purpose.  There is a lesson to be learned. There is an opportunity for growth. Where is it? Are we STILL marching? Where the hell are we going? We’ve been marching for 56 years and we’re still in Selma. That’s not progress. What all this is telling me is that people died for nothing. And it’s OUR fault! It’s not anyone else. US!

Look in the mirror! That’s you being a douche-bag.

Which brings me to the straw that broke the camel’s back. Thembisa S. Mshaka

Absolutely nothing wrong with the lady except for the way she came to my attention…
unacceptable. #AdFail? How about journalistic failure? This lady wrote The Book on the entertainment industry! And maybe that’s why I shouldn’t expect much leadership. It’s so much easier to jump on the victim bandwagon, than it is to create a new trend or just simply to tell the truth.

Let me break it down in similar fashion to Miss Mshaka since she provided the blue print for success…

This is 5 ways in which black people need to stop crying about a Burger King ad:

1.       Just because you know how to place the words: rude, terse and invasive together doesn’t mean it’s true. Jay Leno drove a car through a restaurant and ignored the same manager when he suggested the drive through. Salma Hayek took over the “line up”. (Learn Spanish!) And no one paid for their food.

If we’re going to cry injustice, let there be one. Next week Mary will be a Diva again and it will be OK to interrupt people.

2.       EVERYTHING at Burger King is Unhealthy even the sugar salad. If the insinuation is that black people will only buy the snack wrap because that’s the item Mary featured, GTFOH! Healthy people know better. Adults know better. I will even venture to say middle schoolers  know better. Don’t try to sell that ‘black item/white item’ shit over here. I ain’t buying it and, as a responsible citizen and (dare I say) leader, I won’t anyone around me buy it either.

And for the unhealthy, let them eat chicken without feeling like they are fulfilling a stereotype. I’ve been around black people who are scared to eat chicken in public. It’s uncomfortable for me and I don’t give a care. I’ll eat chicken in a “white” restaurant in white linen on a white carpet off a white woman if I’m hungry enough. (White women, take it easy. I’m just making a point)

3.       Salma Hayek gets to act because she’s and actress who’s been acting longer than Mary’s been singing. Jay Leno is a comedian, he gets to be funny. AND he buys three items because he has a guest. And the guest holds the tray because Jay Leno is driving. You drive and hold the tray with your proud ass! And David Beckham is, surprise surprise, an underwear model in addition to being a soccer player. He probably didn’t play soccer because he’s over the hill and only in America to sell his image because that’s what models do. And Mary sings. So – The – Fuck – What! Looks like everyone involved is showcasing the talent that got them paid $2 million dollars for a 30 second ad

Magical negro please…

4.       I’m sure if I wrote down everything I said, I could find where I predicted Mary would be doing Burger King Commercials. Once you sell out aka start getting paid for being famous, there are no limits. While I’ll admit Beyonce’ and Queen Latifah may not have done the Burger king commercials, they also wouldn’t have done Carol’s Daughter, Chevy, or T-Mobile. So? And Lauryn Hill? She won’t take money from anybody to do anything since 1998. The key is, someone has to do it. And both Beyonce’ and Queen Latifah have looked ridiculous for 30 seconds. It’s a commercial. They get paid to pretend they patronize these companies so the sheep will flock.

5.       Last but not least, Mary J Blige has been looking crazy and inspiring ghetto girls to embarrass themselves in public for two decades. THIS

is just as crazy a look as this:

Neither are high fashion, both are classic Mary. What she does do is inspire people to be risk takers.

Mary did this for more than 2 million dollars. Mary J Blige has never had a lane to stay in. Don’t ever expect her to do so. And for God’s sake, don’t try to put her in one. You want to briefly mention the poor sales of My Life II, will admit it was not because the album was anything less than phenomenal. IT was a classic collaboration and a welcome reprieve from the constant barrage of subpar music we’ve been subjected to in the last few years.

If you wanted to do something besides complain and ride the cry baby bandwagon, you might want to the little bit of good music that still gets made. Since no one can get Lauryn Hill to do anything new, Mary is what we got and I thank God for her. At least she still got to keep her check (I hope!).

And, by the way, I expect an industry insider to not mislead people. At twenty years in the game, the only person with less time out of the stars Burger King chose was an athlete. Athletes are lucky to make it 15 years let alone twenty. So while Mary may be a vet in a young genre, she’s got a way to go. Chaka Khan and Aretha Franklin are still performing. If you’re going to keep it real, keep it honest too!

And for God’s sake, stop crying!