My Letter To my Probation Officer

Some people know I am on probation. And a few know I am currently working to transfer my probation to Los Angeles. As part of sharing the new blog, I am sharing all the important stuff. I recently emailed this letter to my probation officer.

Attn: Israel Fowler, Lawrenceville Probation, Supervisor

My name is Jason Sloan.

I heard your message today when my stepmom came home and checked the messages.

I am writing you as a prelude to calling in. I would like you to have some information. My phone number is 323-293-7555 I live at 4150 w60th street, Los Angeles CA 90043. That is the house phone with no voice mail. I have a Boost mobile phone 323-710-7428.

I have been at this address since December 9th. My house in Stone Mountain is destroyed and uninhabitable. That is easily verifiable through just the most superficial of inspections. There is no electricity since a tree fell on the power lines. There are no water pipes since they were stolen. Neither I nor my family have the means to repair that at the moment.

I am still looking for employment. My carpentry has been going VERY slow. I haven't even been able to give away free work. I am certain that I will be emplyed and able to catch up my payments soon (the next six months). I do expect to be able to do more inn the next two weeks but I can't promise anything since my situation is not stable.

I would very much like a transfer to California probation. I did not plan to do things this way at all. My plans included returning to Stone Mountain and waiting until my transfer went through to return to Los Angeles.

My brother's house is full with 9 adults in a three bedroom house.

I know this is not an ordinary situation. I am not your ordinary probationer. I refuse to resort to associating with any of the people I used to associate with, even the ones who weren't criminals. Not because I was in the habit of committing crimes but because I refuse to be connected in any way with people who are not fully within the law. I can and will succeed on this probation. Your support is greatly appreciated. I know you have done a lot already. Just a little more please?

Sincerely

Jason Sloan

What I Learned This Weekend 2/27/12

What a weekend!

I guess it started Friday. I was getting ready for my writers group meeting on Saturday. You know, pretending I did everything I said I would do a month ago at the last meeting. (Just being funny) The only thing I didn’t do was keep up with my writing log. I started it but then I kept writing/researching without logging it.

            I was aware of it though. I realized the value of my research time in The Think Tank. The Think Tank was a gift from God. In addition to The writers group that I can walk to once a month, I have this wonderful group on my favorite website where I can talk about things that matter. We talk about the stuff I write about and the opinions are very diverse. I get new perspective on my articles and new topics to write about.

            Also, some old topics come up. Sometimes there are topics that I have overlooked or ignored. This week, the issue of domestic violence came up again and again. I had written a blog about domestic violence posed as a letter to a girl I was interested in. In the letter, propose that since her current boyfriend beats her, I can beat her better. It derived from a play on the word beat (Violence) and beat (Sexual). It evolved into the letter as it is now.

            The funny thing is, it was written almost a year ago while I was in jail. Right after I got out, the person in question added me a friend on Facebook. Or so I thought. It took attempting to share with my writers group. Sharing the letter with my step mother, some shit chat with my dad and a separate inspirational message from Tony Robbins to convince me to give away the fear and just do what I know to – write.

            Turns out it wasn’t the same girl. (I think) Either way, I’m willing to give up myself in order to start the dialogue up. And I think I did that.

            Sunday was the best. THE BEST!

            I felt a way about skipping church but I felt something good coming. It started early. As I was sprinting down the street on my daily ‘hour of power’, my dog Angel went a little crazy and tried to run across the street. My attention was diverted to two men. One seemed I little familiar. Upon slowing down, I realized it was one of my best friend’s Scooter standing in front of his in-laws’ house. So we reconnected. I lied and told him I forgot his number. The truth was I hadn’t gotten a call back from him in so long (years) that I didn’t bother to call when I got back. I sent him a text message after the run so he would have my number. He actually sent me a text back before I left for my later engagements so that was good.

            Then I was supposed to borrow some clothes from Mike so we could go out later. As it would turn out, my dad came with two beautiful shirts he couldn’t fit but that fit me well! I asked about some shoes and got blessed with some nice wing tips. The day was getting better.

            I got to watch my sister and niece playing video games together. They spend a lot of time together but something about Super Mario on Wii that makes me feel a way. A good way! THEN I got to hang with my boys Seth, Greg and Mike.

            Greg picked me up so we could go support my boy Seth’s latest promotion. On the way to the bar, I picked up a suit and another shirt from Mike’s. It was a wonderful gathering to watch the NBA All Star game. Being around a lot of former acquaintances, good, legitimate ones, made the All Star game viewable. Then I got to catch up a bit with Seth and Greg. That was REALLY the best part of watching the All Star game. I am slowly settling down back into L.A. and I’m loving it!

            So everything worked out. Mike ended up at a party on the same block I was on. Talk about stars lining up. I threw on a sport coat and transferred my extra, just in case, gear to Mike’s car. Then we caught up with another Xavier Alumn at the W. There was a cool vibe. One woman caught my eye but she was with a douche bag. I got to sit for a minute which was glorious! as I had been standing up in shiny shoes for a few hours. After a bit of chit chat with Mike, we decided on gong to the Maxim party.

            The Maxim party was in a Mansion above Sunset. There was a shuttle to the party. Mike and I anticipated a little finagling to be able to get on the shuttle. As good fortune would have it, the only trouble was the LONG assed wait to get on the shuttle. It seemed the entire party showed up at the shuttle stop at the same time.

            Eventually, we made it on the shuttle and to the party. It, was, all, worth it! We immediately forgot the wait. Not only were we around a few of the most beautiful women in L.A., we were surrounded by some of the personable. And there was an open bar which meant all the caffeine I could handle.

            I could go on about the party but let me just say it was worth not going out much if that type of party is where I end up. I got home at 5. I was so tired/wired I locked my sister out and fell out, then when she woke me up at 7 am I could barely go back to sleep. (Barely being able to go back to sleep for me is like not being able to sleep at all for a normal person) My feet still hurt at 11:35 the next night. And it was all worth it. The whole weekend!

            It was a glimpse of what life can and will be like being back home and I’m in Love all over again. I’m in Love with writing. I’m in Love with life. And most of all I’m in Love with LA. L.A. means more than some streets and clubs. L.A. is my family, my friends, my life. Everywhere that I’ve been and everywhere I’m going is all about L.A. That’s never changed. I just needed this weekend to remind me.

            I’m LA! I’m home! That’s it. It’s going down! 

You’re A Crackhead

      I used to assume people were on crack based on their behavior…

            Now I see addiction is one behavior all to itself.

            As I explore my life, I realize. I’ve always been an addict. There was always something I’ve been addicted to. When I outgrew one thing, I shifted to another. My adult life has always been an exercise in impulse control. What is amazing is, in writing this intro, I discovered a seamless shift between my two major vices, both of which center around one fixation.

            As early as I can remember I sucked my thumb. My parents started trying to talk me out of it early. I also had a pillow similar to Linus’ blanket. My mom even tried to sew a different cover on the pillow to hide it from me. The attraction wasn’t visual though. With the pillow, as well as the main fixation, it was sensual. I loved the feel of the fabric inside the pillow. I would pull and rub it through the outer material and that friction and sensation were incomparable. I even found an alternative inside certain jacket/coat pockets as well as my comforter. I was able to abandon the pillow and go mobile. I don’t know if there is a causation but the “pillow” habit does correlate with me not masturbating until I was 18.

            The attraction to sucking my thumb was oral. Nothing persuaded me to stop. Nothing! At 13 I just stopped. Around the same time, I started drinking on the weekends. I’m sure there is a correlation. I never stopped drinking. Nothing could change that.

            As I became a person who questions my motivations, I began to see patterns which paralleled addictive behavior. My eating became habit. Although I enjoy a wide variety of foods, I found myself sticking to one or just a few meals. My comfort foods are foods of habit. Even now I’m in the middle of a love affair with peanuts. My effort must go into ignoring peanuts sometimes just so that I can eat other foods and not peanuts all day.

            Then there is my greed. I can only eat just one Lay. But I don’t want to! I want the whole bag. No matter what size, I must practice putting it down. If I like it, I want it all, all the time. (And I’m good at it too!)

            And that is addiction; habit and greed.

            Only my sensuality and oral fixation saved me from smoking. I never enjoyed the way cigarettes made my mouth feel. Plus, the need for sensation had me inhaling deeper and deeper. Soon I was carrying Listerine and gum 24/7 and brushing my teeth ten times a day. I was a bachelor. I couldn’t be caught unprepared to kiss. And I didn’t want to limit myself to other smokers, although I was more than ready to exploit their oral fixations. And the cigarette butts everywhere and the smoke…  no tanto sexy!

            So over 30 years after I first picked up my pillow and popped my thumb in my mouth, self examination has me practicing self control and asking myself which habits to keep. Labeling myself as an addictive personality, I wonder what it really means to be an addict.

            People are addicted to so many things: drugs, work, sex, money, naked-dick sex, sex, gambling, gossip, negativity, positivity, church, coffee, cigarettes, bacon, Oprah, did I say sex?, sex (just in case)… What is it that connects all these people? And when does one become that all encompassing addict – a crackhead?

            At some point one thing takes top priority and spreads the gap between first priority and second priority so far apart that someone who meets you will make no other assumption except – You are a crackhead.

            It’s no secret, when it comes to DUI’s, I’m 5-0 – no convictions. (Update: I'm 5-1. I suffered a forfeit.) I still had to go to AA meetings. They didn’t take. Not that there is anything wrong with AA or it’s steps and traditions. It seemed every time I went, I couldn’t connect with the people telling the stories. There were absolutely no similarities. All those people smoked crack. Even if they didn’t say so, no drinker could possibly do or go through the things they talked about. Plus, alcohol’s not the gateway drug, weed is. That’s DARE 101. I didn’t have anything in common with a crackhead

            That was denial. My ego was fighting hard to keep me comfortable and blind. Only when I abandoned my ego was I able to see that.

            We all tend to view addiction as an extreme only inside the realm of drug use. The crackhead is just the person who is addicted to crack and acts crazy.

But what if (Big IF)

we aren’t addicted to crack and we still act like a crackhead.

What makes a crackhead? Is it only the crack? Could it be more than usual tomfoolery we associate with crackheads?

A confession: I must admit that I am an addict. I first started dabbling in my teens. I would mess around with it then retreat to “safety” before things got too heavy. I carried on this way off and on for years. Things came to a head when I moved to Atlanta. Of course, there was a girl. She turned me out. I had to have more then. I thought about it all the time. I was trying up women left and right. I may have turned a few out. I tried to stay straight for a few years. I even let a few women off the hook to protect them from my addiction. I thought I had it under control. I didn’t. It wasn’t until I submitted to my higher power that I was able to come out of it. Thank God I got out clean. I still struggle from time to time but God is on my side for real!

            Now it is time for me to lay it all out on the table for my family and friends and admit it finally. I am…

This is hard…

…I am…

…an…

…a naked-dicker.

It was hard to admit that. Rock bottom for me was waiting on the results of my AIDs test and reliving my sexual past. I passed. I’m in recovery now. Everyday it’s a battle.

I had to admit that now so that people can truly understand the nature of addiction. You can be addicted to the most harmless things. The addiction and addiction behavior make those things dangerous. Be careful of being an addict.            

            …to anything…

You too may be a Crackhead…

What I Learned In Church:2/18/12

We're going to start something new. It's called getting to the point. Today’s readings come from Isaiah 43, Second Corinthians 1 and Mark 2.

God says, I forgave you and will over and over again. Why are you still tripping? Then Paul says, don’t be wishy washy. It's all yes. Be a yes man. God moves forward not backward. And then Jesus healed the paralytic who was lowered through the ceiling.

And the reason why we are still tripping came to me.

            We're still trying to be like the paralytic. That’s wrong. Our mission is to be like Jesus. A lot of “Christians” don’t read/ignore the Old Testament. The irony is that they all still live there.

            In Isaiah’s time, the Hebrews continually got distracted by sin and fell short. God forgave them over and over but they got so down on themselves that all seemed lost. Then Jesus came! Salvation is available to all. And it’s FREE. Not free like a trial and you don’t need a credit card to sign up. And it’s not going to require you to spend hours looking through offers and pop-ups. And it’s not “The Free Version” just to get you to buy the REAL version. It’s ALL THE WAY FREE. All you need to do is be a yes man like Paul says. And the power is already here. Faith (REAL FAITH) is powerful and as readily available as salvation.

            We’re still hollering Jesus, Jesus save me. You’re saved fool! Get up and move on. Pick up your faith and work. Use your faith to heal your fellow man. Move forward not backward.

We all want "Something new in our lives". Well do something new! Don't be paralyzed by sin. Move forward not backward and DON'T STAND STILL!
(This is where I start cussing.) What is keeping you from God's grace? We've been forgiven. We've been charged to take over where Jesus left off. "Pick up your mat and go home" Pick up your bullshit off the floor. Pick up the anchor/baggage/crutches you've been dragging around and go home. Home is Heaven. Go! It's waiting for you now.

            Don't wait until it's too late. Other people's funerals should make us realize the value of living well now. We should consider where we are going, NOW. Not where we are going in the next few minutes or days or even years. We ask each other about five and ten year plans like that means something. What is your eternal plan? And are you working towards that NOW?
You've been given the power of forgiveness, the power to move on past this world into eternity. When will you begin to use it? Get up off your mat! Go home! Now!

Spread Too Thin in Black America

I had a teacher at Crenshaw for like two weeks. She broke up with me. It was my senior year and I was trying to run every club. I was in every class (except AP Physics). Mostly I was walking the halls all day. Either way, she could tell I was doing too much. She took me to the side and encouraged me to drop AP U.S. History. The class was going to be demanding. I couldn’t give it much attention. She wanted more from me.

            I probably could have gotten a good grade but my lack of interest may have distracted the other students. So I left.

           

            After that, I was always conscious of spreading myself too thin. Doesn’t mean I don’t do it sometimes. Just means I am always aware of the delicate balance between being a brilliant multi-tasker and being depressingly overwhelmed.

With that in mind, black people are probably spread too thin. The focus is totally not there in Black America. We are seriously all over the place. We are ashamed of each other and we want to lift up everyone. We call everything racism and we can’t stand immigrants. We want more representation in media and the representation we create is unacceptable. We want to the government to help us AND leave us alone. We got to stop snitching and we want to get rid of all the crime.

            I’ve been in on a thousand arguments/discussions on a million and one topics in the Black community. No matter how passionate. No matter how loud we get. The arguments are always circular. For example, we hate “haters” and we want to make them our motivators and we want them to go away and we keep talking to them and we ignore them and we continue to respond to them. Or we have people in our lives that aren’t living right and we don’t want to judge them and they get on our nerves and we want them to get their shit together and we love to tell the stories about them messing up and we don’t want any of their mess in our lives and we Love them and will miss them if they leave our lives.

A few years ago, I had to have that conversation with my AP U.S. History teacher again. This time, however, I was alone and I played both roles. I had to stop myself and point out that I was spread way too thin. I was helping WAY too many people. I was wearing WAY too many hats. I was being WAY too many people for WAY too many people. It’s time to focus. The only way to achieve anything is to achieve SOMETHING. I had to prioritize, focus on only the most important things and put the rest to the side. Now I’m back on track.

            Part of being spread thin is that you can get distracted and end up refocusing yourself on the wrong things. I could have ended up selling cars and lying to people and not being myself. There was success there but that meant I would have put my writing completely to the side maybe forever. That wasn’t my true priority and I would have ended up lost

So, now, Black people are lost. We started with nothing and formed a vision and direction, lost it, started all over again, got lost one more time and STILL found another vision. Today, we are lost again. We are being pulled in every direction by every American trend because we think we must choose between being black and being American.

            Today everything is possible and that is the problem. We must choose something and we want everything. We want to be included in the mainstream and we want our own stuff and still don’t like sell outs. (BTW – the new sell outs are in the illuminati)

            I notice it in conversations. We support bums one day. The same bums get on our nerves the next. And, on another day, we wish all the bums would die. And in neither conversation does a true priority develop. And there lies the problem.

            We have no priorities anymore. Now that everything is possible, we have become distracted. The last time we had a vision is was this. We have achieved the ability to do all. Anyone who is into goal setting knows it is way past time to set some new goals.

            We need a new vision, a direction, for our future generations.

            With a direction and vision we used to be innovators and leaders. Today, with no direction or vision, everywhere I look we are no longer the innovators. Fashion, movies, music, sports, there’s nothing new anymore. HELLO! We’re slipping! New shit is our job. Let’s get back to work!

            We need a focus, a vision.  Maybe we should start with fashion:

This is not u and it’s not new.

Can we get something new please?

(Twice in a row. Can you tell how I feel about those stupid jeans?)

The bottom line is we need to reestablish our identity. We need a new vision. A new purpose. Even if it’s just defining our role in this new America, a change is coming and we need to make sure we are once again a major part of it.

Our new challenge is to pick a side and determine a direction and let’s achieve new heights.

Whatever we do, just remember let’s leave these behind:

Seriously! 

What I Learned In Church… February 5, 2012

 Before we begin:

Announcements– I know what you need. I'm not what you need but I can show you where to find it!
(Just something that was on my mind...)

The readings for today are Job 7:1-7, 1 Corinthians 9:16-23, and Mark 1:29-39.

So we started with Job suffering for the sake of God. He had no idea he was working towards the glory of God. He won by enduring his trials but he had no idea it was just a bet. He wasn’t happy about it at all but he won because he was always faithful. It's depressing when you don't know it's for God.

            When you know it's for God you have a choice. You can chase the reward or serve out of duty. Paul did both. He chose duty so he could give up his ego. He refrained from the reward and focused on the work. Service! That’s the word people like Tony Robbins use. It’s a word of abundance.  The law of abundance means we serve and are given more opportunities to serve. We want the blessings so we can serve our families. But we get caught up in the blessings only and the blessings turn into just stuff. That's when our ego has run all the way out of control.

In the words of Father ‘Lotto’ (He’s been quoted as wanting to hit the lotto so he can get his freak on.) "Share the wealth Don't share your opinions"

Serve for the Love. Love has no expectation of reward. Jesus had a duty. He carried on without waiting on reward. As soon as people started jocking him, he left town. That’s egoless.  Who do we know that avoids adulation?

Disagreements are opportunities to serve. Give Love not your opinion. Trying to win an argument is not fulfilling. Fulfillment comes from giving Love without expectation of reward. That's serving. Only expect more work and be grateful for the opportunity.

To be specific, let’s focus on differences of opinion.  Some call them disagreements. Others call them arguments. In our daily lives, we get ourselves into these things often. The question is What Would Jesus Do?

Not argue! Not fight so hard to be right. No care so much about being ‘felt’. You feel me? What Jesus would do is serve no matter how hard it hurts. Serving in this instance means putting aside your ego and how you feel about the matter. How you feel about the matter is unimportant. Humble yourself like you’ve lost everything you own and all you have to give is Love. Give it all away because it’s the only thing you will never run out of. Let God take care of the rest.

I am working on killing my ego. That means losing on purpose when I find myself getting into petty arguments.  I let God handle me. I serve the needs of whoever I’m communicating with. God takes care of my true needs and my ego is never one of my needs anyway. Sound to deep for you?

Here’s the simple key to arguments. Practice (That means you won’t be able to perfect this tomorrow but one day) losing arguments. Focus on what the other person is trying to do. If they are purely serving their own ego, abandon the argument entirely. Look deep though! Look beyond ego if possible and serve the deeper. Find a way to Love the person that is fulfilling for the person. That is seeking God in all situations.

Believe me, I love nothing more than a verbal gut punch and dragging people through the mud, but, I Love God more. Now is the time to serve. Give Love. Give Love. Give Love. As He first Loved you. Walk by faith. Try it. Not by sight. Close your eyes literally so you can see the truth of a situation.

In Jesus’ mighty name we pray…

PS-St. Agathas rocks the House!!!

Goodbye Don Cornelius

Wasn’t Don Cornelius Already Dead?

           

So I woke up this morning feeling good. I’ve started a new morning and night meditation routine. It’s wonderful! (Ask me about it later.)

            I made my breakfast and sat down to get caught up on Facebook. I heard Don Cornelius was dead from an apparent suicide…

Wait…

…Don Cornelius was alive? I needed to do some research.

            So what I came up with was an obvious conspiracy to keep us hooked on Soul Train by dangling Don Cornelius in front of us for nearly twenty years. I gave a sigh of relief. It was over. I was off the hook. No more wondering. No more WTF moments as a tall gay zombie ambled across a stage in another attempt to display “life”. SMH [Don Cornelius Zombie ‘Old Train’]

As I sat and reminisced on the iconic figures and images from Soul Train, I was amazed at how long it’s actually been. I was even more amazed at how long it had been since Soul Train was over for me. It’s been almost twenty years since Don Cornelius stepped down as host. It wasn’t much longer after that when I gave up trying to watch Soul Train. A couple of friends got approached to dance and they didn’t make it. I still don’t know who Mystro Clark and Dorian Gregory are. I only heard about Shemar Moore in 2008, two years after soul Train ended its 35 year run, the longest in syndication.

            I was remembering Lou Ski and Cheryl Song, thinking I was remembering the 90s. It was in fact the 80s I was remembering and it made it all that much longer since I had really cared about Soul Train. What happened?

            There are many shows I wish would have lasted forever. There aren’t many I actually thought would last forever. Soul Train was one. And then I started seeing things like this:

In 1987, I didn’t even get it. I was born with hip-hop in 1978. How could anyone not like rap music? Maybe Don Cornelius could see the future of rap way back then:

Don Cornelius had a knack for seeing the future. From the day in 1970 when he saw how big an urban dance show could be, to the day when I thought he was just swaying to the beat. He knew he was about to fall down soon so he sat down behind the scenes.

            Don Cornelius was truly a pioneer. I’m not sad he’s gone. He left a brilliant legacy. We don’t celebrate death. We celebrate life and he lived. Though some have tried, you can’t even list all he’s done. What’s sad is that other’s haven’t followed his lead and created more. What’s really sad is the way he passed. What’s saddest is the trend we have taken. Hip Hop has changed. Institutions like BET have gotten dumber and dumber.

            The saddest thing was him being drug around while in all the pain, psychologically as well as physically, he must have been in this past decade. That’s right! I said decade. When was the last time Don Cornelius was anywhere looking coherent? The man was a genius who had already given us so much and we wanted more from him. Why?

            He was so much more than an icon, so much more than an image. He was a true leader. I don’t even want to say pioneer. He showed us the way and did it well for longer than anyone of ANY race. He showed us what is possible in this country and the world. A few have followed. Very few…

It’s up to the rest of us to catch up. Being a pioneer is meaningless if no one follows the path. It’s there to follow, along with many others.

            Many people were even sadder that he passed today. Today is a perfect time for us to begin looking at the lives our many, many pioneers. Let’s rediscover the many trails that have been blazed, the doors that are still open, the opportunities that are still available because of these leaders.

            Thank for living Don Cornelius. Thank you for leading. Thank God for your influence in our lives. We will carry on. We will follow your lead and lead others. Good Bye Don Cornelius…

The Soul Train line will never end because of you!