I
used to assume people were on crack based on their behavior…
Now
I see addiction is one behavior all to itself.
As
I explore my life, I realize. I’ve always been an addict. There was always
something I’ve been addicted to. When I outgrew one thing, I shifted to
another. My adult life has always been an exercise in impulse control. What is
amazing is, in writing this intro, I discovered a seamless shift between my two
major vices, both of which center around one fixation.
As
early as I can remember I sucked my thumb. My parents started trying to talk me
out of it early. I also had a pillow similar to Linus’ blanket. My mom even
tried to sew a different cover on the pillow to hide it from me. The attraction
wasn’t visual though. With the pillow, as well as the main fixation, it was
sensual. I loved the feel of the fabric inside the pillow. I would pull and rub
it through the outer material and that friction and sensation were
incomparable. I even found an alternative inside certain jacket/coat pockets as
well as my comforter. I was able to abandon the pillow and go mobile. I don’t
know if there is a causation but the “pillow” habit does correlate with me not
masturbating until I was 18.
The
attraction to sucking my thumb was oral. Nothing persuaded me to stop. Nothing!
At 13 I just stopped. Around the same time, I started drinking on the weekends.
I’m sure there is a correlation. I never stopped drinking. Nothing could change
that.
As
I became a person who questions my motivations, I began to see patterns which paralleled
addictive behavior. My eating became habit. Although I enjoy a wide variety of
foods, I found myself sticking to one or just a few meals. My comfort foods are
foods of habit. Even now I’m in the middle of a love affair with peanuts. My
effort must go into ignoring peanuts sometimes just so that I can eat other
foods and not peanuts all day.
Then
there is my greed. I can only eat just one Lay. But I don’t want to! I want the
whole bag. No matter what size, I must practice putting it down. If I like it,
I want it all, all the time. (And I’m good at it too!)
And
that is addiction; habit and greed.
Only
my sensuality and oral fixation saved me from smoking. I never enjoyed the way
cigarettes made my mouth feel. Plus, the need for sensation had me inhaling
deeper and deeper. Soon I was carrying Listerine and gum 24/7 and brushing my teeth
ten times a day. I was a bachelor. I couldn’t be caught unprepared to kiss. And
I didn’t want to limit myself to other smokers, although I was more than ready
to exploit their oral
fixations. And the cigarette butts everywhere and the smoke… no tanto sexy!
So
over 30 years after I first picked up my pillow and popped my thumb in my mouth,
self examination has me practicing self control and asking myself which habits
to keep. Labeling myself as an addictive personality, I wonder what it really
means to be an addict.
People
are addicted to so many things: drugs, work, sex, money, naked-dick sex, sex,
gambling, gossip, negativity, positivity, church, coffee, cigarettes, bacon,
Oprah, did I say sex?, sex (just in case)… What is it that connects all these
people? And when does one become that all encompassing addict – a crackhead?
At
some point one thing takes top priority and spreads the gap between first
priority and second priority so far apart that someone who meets you will make
no other assumption except – You are a crackhead.
It’s
no secret, when it comes to DUI’s, I’m 5-0 – no convictions. (Update: I'm 5-1. I suffered a forfeit.) I still had to go
to AA meetings. They didn’t take. Not that there is anything wrong with AA or
it’s steps and traditions. It seemed every time I went, I couldn’t connect with
the people telling the stories. There were absolutely no similarities. All
those people smoked crack. Even if they didn’t say so, no drinker could
possibly do or go through the things they talked about. Plus, alcohol’s not the
gateway drug, weed is. That’s DARE 101. I didn’t have anything in common with a
crackhead
That
was denial. My ego was fighting hard to keep me comfortable and blind. Only
when I abandoned my ego was I able to see that.
We
all tend to view addiction as an extreme only inside the realm of drug use. The
crackhead is just the person who is addicted to crack and acts crazy.
But what if (Big IF)
we aren’t addicted to crack and we
still act like a crackhead.
What makes a crackhead? Is it only
the crack? Could it be more than usual tomfoolery we associate with crackheads?
A confession: I must admit that I am
an addict. I first started dabbling in my teens. I would mess around with it
then retreat to “safety” before things got too heavy. I carried on this way off
and on for years. Things came to a head when I moved to Atlanta. Of course,
there was a girl. She turned me out. I had to have more then. I thought about
it all the time. I was trying up women left and right. I may have turned a few
out. I tried to stay straight for a few years. I even let a few women off the
hook to protect them from my addiction. I thought I had it under control. I
didn’t. It wasn’t until I submitted to my higher power that I was able to come
out of it. Thank God I got out clean. I still struggle from time to time but
God is on my side for real!
Now
it is time for me to lay it all out on the table for my family and friends and
admit it finally. I am…
This is hard…
…I am…
…an…
…a naked-dicker.
It was hard to admit that. Rock
bottom for me was waiting on the results of my AIDs test and reliving my sexual
past. I passed. I’m in recovery now. Everyday it’s a battle.
I had to admit that now so that
people can truly understand the nature of addiction. You can be addicted to the
most harmless things. The addiction and addiction behavior make those things
dangerous. Be careful of being an addict.
…to
anything…
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