My Biggest Fear

I am scared to write. I have never finished any major wirting project not mandated by school or some authority figure. I used to be able to blame it on my perfectionism but I am beginning to think that’s a cop out. I’m just scared. Of what I will try to find out. What do I do when I finish? Will people read it? Will they understand? Most of all will they like it? 

You know what I’m twenty-seven. I may or may not be suffering from the quarter life crisis and I live with family and still have chores. I think I don’t care anymore. Really, I just don’t give a shit. I’ve been all over this country; experiencing different cultures and different people. You know what people are all the same. They just need people to listen and empathize with their situation. So I’ll just write what I know. I’ll write what I’ve picked up in all my travels from friends, acquaintances, colleagues, a few winos, and a bunch of bums. 

Since we started out discussing my fears, lets explore my biggest fear. My biggest fear is failure. Not just in a try and fail sense, but an ultimate failure to accomplish every goal I set for myself since I was 10. I am deathly afraid of settling. And I abhor the middle. I am all or nothing. I hate the middle class. I refuse to settle down with any woman. And most importantly, I will never be serious about any job that is not my ultimate career.

When I was 12, I read about Solomon. He was supposed to be the paradigm of wisdom. Out of the three vital qualities: knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, wisdom is the penultimate. But at 12, I realized that knowledge and understanding were first necessary in order to gain wisdom. In my conceit, I knew, I had knowledge wrapped up. So I committed myself to true understanding. I understand a great deal. I can find parallels in many, many things that people would never realize are related. At around 17 I set out to understand the most complex creatures in the universe – human beings. I do alright in that aspect. I can relate to a lot of people one would think I would never fit in with. 

I have had trouble of late though. I am stuck on one topic and I haven’t the slightest clue as to how I can make this work. Lately I have been surrounded by people who settled. Don’t get me wrong most of them have achieved middle class status. The problem is that virtually none of them have attained that status doing what they set out to do when they were younger. I have also been around people who have had no idea what they wanted to do with their life. These people I have encountered in a diverse sample. I have met people who just bounce around from job to job with no true aim except to ultimately retire and no real time frame to accomplish even that goal. At the other end of the spectrum, there are the numerous “doctor and lawyer wannabes.” I have met A Lot. These people who go to college and want to be doctors but hate blood and dissecting things. These people who want to be lawyers and can’t read. Or the ultimate directionless college student, the Business major. 

Maybe I can get a response to this question. It is my ultimate obstacle and has become my deadliest fear. I say deadly because I will be terminally depressed if I end up middle-class. I must know how people end up being middle-class from having upper-class dreams. I must know without having to experience it myself. I really want to know how a person can have a dream and just give it up. There is nothing wrong with one’s life plan taking a little longer than the average. Nothing wrong with being an adult student. Nothing wrong with taking a break and starting over late in life. But what makes people just stop pursuing their goals? Holler back people.