Welcome To Jail

Welcome To Jail

Someone call the Sheriff! The guards are treating the children wrong. They won’t le t the children come out and play. They keep making the kids line up like they’re in the army or some bull. Now they want the kids to sit still and stay silent. Next, they’ll want them to go to sleep before midnight! I think we may need Child Protective Services on this one. OMG!

I hope they come soon. One of them just made the children make up their beds! The nerve! Trying to introduce discipline to the undisciplined. Where they do that at?

So the C.P.S. just told me to fuck off. Seriously! I thought the goal of C.P.S. was to protect children from abuse, mental and physical. Just because these children are prisoners. Just because they are legally considered adults. Can you believe they said, “It’s jail! Deal with it.” I mean really.

What kind of person can ignore such fragile people? They are crying out for help and no on is answering. How could you pretend not to hear.?

C.P.S. says if they encountered children this bad (they have), they would forget them and just let them end up in jail (they did). So that’s it then. These are the forgotten children. Children so bad their parents wish they could forget. But they are no longer children. They are adults, suffering from years of neglect and poor parenting. And no one told them. They have no idea. No idea. Should I? Should I be the one to say it?

I guess I should, since the babysitters don’t seem to care.

Children! Gather round. I’ll be brief but I must tell you now.

You are retarded. I mean that in the most literal way. Your psychoses have developed unchecked for years and now you are mentally challenged. You can’t think. And no one cared enough to tell you until now.

Left to develop unguided, you are now nothing but ego. You have absolutely no self-awareness so it is virtually impossible to see your sickness.

Let me get you a mirror.

Welcome to Jail! You are here because of what you’ve done, who you are, who you know or where you reside. Because of what you have done or failed to do, you are now a guest of the county or state. Bottom line, it’s your responsibility of lack thereof that’s brought you here.

Let’s start here, in this place you find yourself in currently.

You are now an inmate. While you have a few (very few) rights, know that you have fewer rights than any animal located within these borders. (Including rats) In fact there are more members of PETA than all the prison/inmate advocacy groups combined. You are also an adult, legally. While the lack of rights will have you feeling like a child, there is no one available who will care for you in jail. No one. In fact, your mama is probably happy for the break. She’s paying extra taxes this year just to show her appreciation. She’s been tired of your two-pm waking up ass for years now with no idea of what to do. We were happy to help. She’s currently renting out your room to one of our correction officers. It’s a good arrangement for both.

Because of you, she can afford the extra taxes, the little change she may or may not put on your books and she’s going on a cruise next week. If she does put money on your books, it’s not because she feels bad for not giving you money before, she’s paying you off to stay away. She wishes she’d have called crimestoppers along time ago.

No you are ours.

No worries.

We are ready for you.

The easiest way to bring someone back to reality is to destroy your comfort zone. That is our goal from the minute you enter our doors.

The holding tank is your last chance to find someone will to put up with your bullshit. Good luck!

No luck?

Wonderful!

Welcome!

Have a seat on the stainless steel (Or stained wood-blood/piss stains) benches while we get your cell ready. It should only take five or six hours. What’s that? A hold up? Scratch that five or six hours. Just give us a few minutes…  Now, we have it right! It will now only be two or three days. We need to make sure your paperwork is thorough. We wouldn’t want to lose you. (Tehehe) Plus, we ordered out. We wouldn’t want to get hot wing sauce on your paperwork. You’re in no rush anyway. Take a few more minutes to say good-bye to your clothes and any memory of the outside world.

You dressed in? That is, are you out of your clothes and into our uniform? (Some version of pajamas you will wear 24 hours a day for as long as we can keep you here.) How’s your back? Not completely destroyed yet? You can still squat and cough then? Go ahead. Thanks! You are now tagged and bagged. You’re officially an inmate now.

Let the fun begin!

Now let’s determine what type of inmate you are. Please answer and keep in mind these questions have absolutely nothing to do with your classification. We’ve already judged you we’re just killing time now.

By now, nothing but peanut butter should have you ready for some real food. How about some grits, pasta, hot dogs, rice and gravy, corn dogs, Italian sausage, and buckets of Kool-Aid? (Actual buckets) Sound good? Yep. Taste good? Not so much. At least you can watch an endless parade of food commercials so you can remember real food. Ahhh, the memories…

If you’re with us long enough, you may actually start to like this stuff. Maybe even look forward to it.

So now that you’ve settled in, lets examine how you’re going to spend this time with us.

You got options.

You can spend the time thinking about all the time you wasted. Or you can waste more

How can you waste more?

I knew you’d choose option two! I give you “Free Time”!

During this time you can mingle with you peers. You have ample opportunity to catch up on those food commercials we know you love so much. And we’ve strategically scheduled these times so you will not miss Jerry Springer. We have games for you and a fake outside so you can breath fresh-ish air in possibly a sliver of sun. Sound fun? It is!

Speaking of Jerry Springer, we give you two options of listening level. (We love to give you options.) You can either watch it inaudibly low or inaudibly high. What better way to direct you attention to the pictures than by eliminating those pesky words. Why do they talk on talk shows anyway? We know you been watching Jerry Springer for 19 of your twenty years of life. You can surely tell what each and every fight is all about by now.

If you can locate them, we also provide a selection of books to read. Hopefully, you won’t (OH! You will be staying a while?)…

Well…

We have books. If you like to and can read, good luck. Welcome to Jail!

If hygiene is your thing, we got that too. In a marvel of modern architecture and engineering we’ve designed a crack in a corner in the middle of the room for you to bath in. I know you’re quite used to these types of accommodations. So, shower away! And if you can remember, please pick up your pubes so the next inmate can at least pretend to be getting clean. (Oh you forgot? – and he… And it’s been filthy for quite a while? Hmmm.)

Well…

We’ll have to get someone to look at that. Perhaps your house man (Oh you don’t have one?)

Well…

Welcome to Jail. Moving on.

At Least we can keep the facilities clean. That is, we can provide you with cleaning supplies to clean up behind yourself and/or the last bum who was in your cell/dorm. Almost  every day you can clean you cell and the common area. (Huh?) (The mop bucket is filthy after only two rooms?) Well…

I’m sure you can still… (And the bleach is not bleach?)  Of course it’s not. That’s for your safety. (And you can’t get any bleach if you don’t get it first?) Well have you talked to a guard about it? (No response huh?) Can’t be that much dirt anyway. (There is? Wow! And the guards won’t give you any more bleach?)

Hmmm…

Let’s talk about the guards. We’ve provided you a reunion of sorts.

Due to security issues and background requirements, we’ve hired some people you may know. The very same “lame” losers you picked on years ago or last week are here to watch you now. I’m sure they’ll do an excellent job. They seemed so happy to see you again. I’m sure you have tons to talk about.

Comfortable yet? No?

Feel like you’re being punished?

Good!

Welcome to Jail!