What I Learned from a Bunch of Children going to celebrate Pride

Wisdom 7

Hebrews 4

Mark 10

Now it doesn't matter that I was late to church. I am home.

First off, those kids were too young to be going to Pride. Not questioning their choices, but making a statement on the adult nature of some of the activities at Pride. Only in Atlanta. (And New York, Miami, LA,...)

Anyhow, I was wondering what kind of conversation would take place if one happened to occur between these kids and I. Would I have to explain how my spirituality coincided with my acceptance of their choices. I came up with this.

By fellowshipping with different individuals based on one ore more similar beliefs, we learn about Love at its truest essence. That is exactly what those children were doing. They found strength in their group. That group should first lead them to learn to Love themselves then each other. Once they learn to Love one another they learn to Love people who are outside their group. Any religion/ideology/church that doesn't teach that is false.

Journal 8/26/15 - "Love Yo Self" The Gospel Musical (Dream Sequence)

Craziest dream!

Shalanda was escorting me to my church (a conglomeration of St Agatha's, Lady of Lourdes and Holy Name) except it didn't look like my church once inside. It was more like The Faith Dome with wooden pews. At center stage there was a woman who looked like Tenita Scott. I was far enough away from her not to notice she had no legs until someone came to lift her up and sit her in front of a piano... That song!

"Kill my self, na-uh

That's not what I'm going to do

I got too much living to do

Kill yoself, no-no

That's just not the way to go

He loves you more than you'll ever know..."

I woke up from that dream so inspired. I had no idea how much death, murder and suicide would plague 2016. There is such heavy a burden on so many people. Although I believe in the after life, we as a community have a lot of work to do on earth. We all have a purpose here. It's a major step to discover your purpose and should be your dying mission to fulfill that purpose.

Living well is the best revenge against the spirits who wish to convince you to give up.

Kill my self, na-uh

That's not what I'm going to do

I got too much living to do

Kill yoself, no-no

That's just not the way to go

He loves you more than you'll ever know..."

Love yo self yeah, yeah
That's what you have to do
You got too much living to do
Love your life, say yes
Always do your very best
Don't compare what's yours to all the rest

There's Always More Love

I may cuss at yall from time to time but most people know me to be positive all the time. I always have a smile. I always say yes to favors. I always give all that I can. I always find the bright side in every situation. I always choose happiness.

Believe me, it is not easy.

It's taken years of choosing the right friends after years of choosing the wrong ones. It's taken so much trial and error. It's taken trying so many things that don't work to find the ones that do. They say the road to happiness is always under construction. I am forever perfecting my foundation, especially the cornerstone of all that I am. It's never-ending work. It''s certainly the most fulfilling.

Yesterday, again, I felt like giving up on my journey. Today, again, my foundation kept me steady. I was gonna stop saying yes to helping people. I had forgotten why I do it. I had forgotten why do this. I felt like I just didn't have any more to give to anyone. I was over it all.

Quite a few times I've been distracted from my journey. Most recently, the struggles of life and poverty keep coming up to deter me. I've done it all to counter these struggles. I've studied money. What it is. Where it came from. How to get it. How to keep it. Before I get sidetracked from this thought, let me say I've fallen into the rut of the rat race a couple of times. The things, the routine of the things, I did to get money to pay for my dreams blurred my visions and eventually let me to abandon my dreams over and over. The bad part is that they showed no promise of anything even comparable to my dreams. I won't settle. So I haven't.

I have to thank God for the people in my life, the chosen and unchosen, who've kept me on track, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally. And I thank them by staying on track. I will make it. For myself but can do no other thing but to share every reward, every milestone, every step, every success with the people who helped me get there.

Everyone is always right on time. The only person I'll name is Brandinika because she ha no social media presence at all. She surprised me last year by reminding me that people not on Facebook read my blog still. I write for them. All three of them. For the timely posts. For the accurate cussings out. For the wise words. For my best friend always reminding me directly to never give up.

Yesterday, I felt I had no more love in me. And at that moment, my foundation showed me a mirror. All I could see was Love.

Sloan Enterprises LLC Mission

A man named Jay Franklin planted a seed. A man named Albert Sloan watered that seed. A man named Jay Sloan took control; cultivated the soil, fertilized and grew that seed into a tree. Jay Sloan developed a vision of growth and giving that will certainly be the legacy of he and Sloan Enterprises LLC

A chess player sees three moves ahead. A chess master sees the whole game. Similarly, a master of life sees far beyond the next few generations towards eternity. From one generation to the next S.E.LLC seeks to grow and maintain traditions which will last until the end of time. 

Sloan Enterprises LLC's mission is to sustain a legacy of growth and giving to the next generation, eternally. 

Decision 2015!!!

It's hard to believe three years have passed since Decision 2012. It seems like some much has happened.Either way, election day is upon us again and I have some more decisions to make.

I have been thinking about my dating life since coming back to Los Angeles, it's different than I expected to say the least. I have a lot more alone time than I imagined having when I first left Georgia. And that time has led me to reminiscence over my dating history.

I've been a pretty good boyfriend/partner. I've never cheated. I do flirt, A LOT. But it's probably not in me to cheat. I don't think I have the time.

I've come to realize that no matter how casual the relationship, it's still a relationship and I barely want to sit on the phone and chit chat with my girlfriend, so i definitely don't want to chit chat with a side piece. Think about bootie calls. In theory, it sounds nice. You call at 11:30 (The bootie call hour), ask for some sex, and you get some sex, no strings attached. But there are strings! It's a racket. What they don't mention in the description is the number of calls at 5:30 in the afternoon (or some other ungodly hour when I could be doing something better). They don't mention the inordinate amount of chit chatting that is requisite in a booty call relationship. I'm already trying to minimize the chit chat so side pieces AKA cheating won't work. And I ain't paying....

Hell, I ain't even getting a hotel room, which probably means I"m not going to have much sex at all until I move out of mom's house... SMH. My maximum expenditure in direct relation to sex is condoms. I don't count dates as paying because I usually only take women places I was going to go alone to anyway.

Shout out to the genius who wrote "Dr. J was compelled to say something on this subject because he couldn’t grasp a non paying participant on a date calling the payer cheap. "
Cheap is placing ANY economic value on human interaction. 
But I digress. Back to my decision.


It's simple.
I'm getting married soon. And like Andree told me, I'm not wasting my time.
Men and women have standards they wish to acquire. However, when it comes to dating, they put those standards to the side for some of the most ridiculous dating rules. For instance, I've scanned past a GANG of online dating profiles of women who list  their relationship goals as "casual/nothing serious..." After talking to them though, they want to be married. Why do they do that? That's the rule. Don't seem too serious. You might scare a lot of guys away.
Fuck that.
You want to get married, say so. I'll go out on a limb and guess that every woman only wants to marry one man. Why be worried about scaring away a lot of men? Isn't the goal to scare away most men and filter it down to one? If you want casual, say so. No need to waste time pretending to be in a serious relationship when you may not have time for one.
Be true to your priorities and the Law of Abundance will give you what you want. Fear and dishonesty will bring you the opposite of your priorities. Don't be scared of getting everything you've ever wanted. I've known what I wanted for a long time. I've been told to not pursue it. I've been distracted from what I want. I've been afraid. I missed out on a few good women... So, I'm going to always say I want to be married until I'm married. I'm always going to talk about marriage even after I'm married because my wife and I will always work on our marriage. I'm working on my marriage now alone and, hopefully, my wife is too. And, one day soon, we'll work on it together.

So, since once it's said, I'm obligated to live it. I'm getting married. Soon. And I probably know her already. #nolongerdistracted #focused #brave

P.S. - The wedding's going to be in New Orleans. (Some things never change)

Where the Hell are you going? And why did you go there?

How appropriate that I started this blog three years ago and I'm just now finishing it up.

I do that with my blogs. I wait for inspiration to strike even if it takes three years...

I have to talk about something. Right now, November 9, 2015, I am in a rush! I am SO anxious to get back home that I am risking falling into the most dangerous habit of all. Routine. It's routine that kills hopes. It's routine that kills dreams. It's routine that kills us.

Moving/running fast will not make the earth spin any faster. In fact, it may make the world seem like it's moving slower. I know many people may assume they can force the effect of time flying by when you get busy by faking busy. Unfortunately, busy doesn't work that way. If you are busy with no business, time will drag.

I'm starting to realize this constant state of being in a rush may be common. Is it outside forces or some other anxiety that makes people move so fast with no direction. So fast, indeed, that we have just become larger versions of those children we would see acting out. I've see a lot of grown up Cartmans. And how do you tell an adult aged person they need to grow up? They have children. They pay bills, mostly on time. Or as Maya Angelou said, “Most people don't grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging.” And that's what most people believe growing up is about.

So, we've become a country of men and women barreling towards mid-life crises. Men and women 
are making it to 40 and 50 having done a bunch of stuff without any idea about why they did all that stuff. So much so, there is a $12 billion dollar industry devoted to finding out who the hell we are, where they hell we are going, and, maybe, why we've doing all this stuff. Unfortunately, by 40-50, we've created more ungrown ups, perpetuating the cycle of adults spiraling down the road to mid-life crisis.

When we are 18 to 25, we are excited. Concrete plans or not, we know we know everything and we know how to make all our hopes and dreams come true. So we do it. We try.We fail. We try again. We try some more. We keep shooting for the moon. And then, one day, we have to get a real job. 
For the majority of the week, we are working for someone. We travel to work. We move around for a respectable amount of hours. Then we travel home. Sometimes we're tired. Sometimes we're stressed. Sometimes we bring some work home. We repeat that a few times. Then the weekend is here. We get with our friends and talk about pretending to do stuff. We discuss our great/wack/zany/weird/wacky/creepy bosses/coworkers. We compare notes. Apparently, all office bathrooms look the same. And all of a sudden the weekend is over and we forgot to go to sleep, we were having so much fun with our friends. Now we have to do this work thing again, only tired. And we are officially looking forward to the next weekend.

Before we know it, this is the cycle. We live for the weekend. Eventually, vacations come. More stuff comes. We get more money we buy more stuff. We do more stuff. Coffee/caffeine/tea/meditation is introduced at some point. We start fitting things in on the weekends, the weekends get shorter, the work weeks seem longer but they start to fly by... One day, to you get an instant message from some douche bag you haven't spoken to since High School asking you to come to the 30 year reunion and write a book report about all the stuff you been doing. 

At first, we still have our hopes and dreams. Two or three came true but a thousand more are unfulfilled.Things seem to get easier. You're now officially 'humming along.' You don't even notice you are actually humming. There's a noise about you now. That noise is the sound of being busy. Now we are officially adults. We are like everyone else. We are busy.

Doing what?

Nothing.

We've started doing stuff because that's what adults do. Stuff. Buy stuff. Sell stuff. Cook stuff. Drink stuff. Eat stuff. Give stuff away. Have stuff. Hold stuff. Drive stuff. Play stuff. Love stuff. Hate stuff. See stuff. Hear stuff. Believe stuff. Praise stuff. Talk stuff... We're doing it! Sometimes we like the stuff. Sometimes we don't. But we're doing it. and we seem to be doing more and more stuff faster and faster.

We didn't notice the change. Now we are in a rushing. We are rushing everywhere.

I live in LA with some of the most laid back, 'content' people in the country. Put them behind the wheel of a car, they are speeding! Except from 4 pm to 8 pm, they are idling along cursing (sometimes under their breath...) about not being able to speed.  They forgot all the money they spent on the car and the sounds and the GPS and the TVs and Howard Stern on XM that they can't watch/listen to because they're in a rush, speeding.

I lived in New Orleans, the Big Easy. Until they want a drink. Hollering and screaming. Ordering five at a time, for themselves (maybe that was only me...). Paying/tipping extra to be first. Because they only have all night to get drunk. It's a holiday. (It's always a holiday in New Orleans) But they forgot they went out to unwind and ended up wound up over a drink...

All over the country, we have to park in front and be in the front of the line, get it first, see it first. We want our ticket to say #1. We have to see the movie/Netflix ASAP because some asshole is going to spoil it. We don't read the articles because the headline tells us the story. We don't read the instructions because we can figure it out (yeah right!). We're always running late because 'the hasty man always works twice' and we don't have time to figure out what that means because we're late and if we move fast enough like superman we can reverse time...
We can't.
We're stuck in the routine. It rarely changes. Our hopes and dreams are deferred. It's just the cycle. Over and over. And over and over. And we keep speeding through it because maybe we can squeeze a minute of life and Love and real living into it, one day...

And then we die.

If this is you and your life, stop. Give me five minutes. I know I wrote a lot and made you read.
A lot...
Take five minutes. For yourself. Be silent. Sit still. (THATS going to be SO hard) Try to do nothing.
(Except breath. You ain't suing my ass for your ass being a dumb ass...)

At the end of five minutes of nothing, ask yourself - Where the hell am I going?

Schedule another five minutes for tomorrow (or in two years because I know you're busy. with stuff...) and focus on the answer to that.

Seriously start with five minutes a day. Make sure you're rushing in the right direction. Review your mission.If you haven't, write your mission. Write out a trust. Write out a will.

Figure out where the Hell you are going or you are ONLY going to die and nothing else.

Try something new.
Live!

Journal

This is an apology of sorts.

I'm sorry I'm away so much. This past month and a half have been interesting. Trying to find a way to organize my highly volatile life into a productive schedule, learning to say yes to life and no to users, getting sucked into playing diplomat for my High School Alumni and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with my new friends.

SUPER exciting!

But for the last week I have been troubled . I wasn't doing what I Loved. And, come to find out, it has been over a month and a half since Decision 2012!!! I can't believe it. I've gone time before but I've been so caught up with life that I kept thinking it had only been a week or two. Six weeks later...I'm rambling an apology to to my readers.

So I was working on call with a moving company. That was fun. I got some exercise. I made a friend or two.  I got a bank account for free. I felt like I was winning. In a way, I was. It was definitely a step in the right direction. But it was just that, a step.
An English man working with the moving company gave the most appropriate answer when I asked him what he really did. He said, I haven't found my passion yet. Another coworker was actually following his passion. So much so that he would refuse to work at times to be in his studio. So profound and inspiring. Still, I wasn't a fit there. Temping/Waiting Tables here I come! So I learned to stick with my passion although I haven't been producing of late. It's fine. I"ll figure it out.

I've began working with two other companies since April. I am now you local Herbalife distributor. That is not a plug. I don't care if you want to stay fat. I don't care if you think you know everything there is to know about health. I live in Los Angeles. Everyone wants a beach body. I can help. No magic pills but delicious shakes and aloe and tea and health! Take it or leave it. Me Vale Verga
AND I'm super excited to have been invited back into the Real Estate industry. I have been certain for years that I could make money even in this economy with real estate. Now, I get to prove myself right. And I'm doing it with some Real Go Getters!
And I had to chump off my travel business sponsor. Not actually, but she's beggin for it. The last time my travel sponsor called me selfish for not convincing business morons that they can sale. I am a business man. I can sale. I am so good at it that I can sale by telling the truth. I can sale BECAUSE I tell the truth. I will not lie to socially inept people and sale them a business built around social networking. Just because you have no passion for anything in life, doesn't mean that everyone else is hopeless. So no! While I say yes to business and getting my own travel agency, NO to the bullshit that goes along with it.

Speaking of bullshit. My high school won the Hoodie Award for Best High School. Somehow I ended up behind the scenes of the drama that went along with it. I just wanted to help. My school needs it. My alumni need it. Mostly, it seems, my alumni need it. Some people who graduated from my high school LONG before I did must still believe they are in high school because they insist on cliquing up. Granted I am accepted and invited into all circles, but this is not about me. Charity is completely selfless. If any parties involved in the political behind the scenes of my high school alumni read this, SELFLESS. Whatever bullshit you insist on keeping up this year WILL be outed. I was warned about the snakes. I'm not worried about them one bit. I was given power to trample/tread/crush all snakes. So good luck people. I will win. My school will win. We always do!

And on top of all that, as my good friend would say - I'm sitting back munching on my Pop Secret popcorn watching people reveal themselves and their dysfunction.


Anyway, I'm back to work.
More to come...

Decision 2012!!!

 Decision 2012!!!

This is an important year on so many levels. There is a moderately important election going on. It's the Olympics. I'm building myself as well as my businesses. Oh and the planet is set to explode at any minute. Thanks for THAT news Mayans! And Mexicans wonder why no one likes them.

 No time for distractions.

With that in mind, I gave up drinking. Six months in, I realizing drinking may not have been my biggest distraction. For nearly as long as I’ve been drinking, maybe longer, I’ve been infatuated with women.

I am a flirt! Big flirt.

I love women. Since I started trying to hump at 3, it’s been nearly always about women. All of them. All the time!

Fast forward to today. I’m considering slowing down. I’ve always wanted to be married and have children. As a child of divorce, though, I MUST get it right the first and only time. So many ways to go… So many distractions… So many options… And, still, I thought I came close to being married. Thought! What’s a man to do? Being in my 30’s is better than I could have ever imagined. It is a smorgasbord of beautiful women. All up to par, and successful or knocking on the door… I’m paralyzed by the enormity of it all.

But I must decide. I am not a tyrant and I will not take advantage. I have before and I am so apologetic to those women I did not help but, instead, used. I will not do that anymore. Or, at least, I determined to be clearer about my decision. That didn’t work out so well. So now this is my announcement to the world. My decision in 2012, officially…

I am and will remain single (And enjoy EVERY moment of it) until a woman convinces me otherwise. And by otherwise I mean marriage.

One more time, for the hard at reading:

            The only exclusivity I believe in is marriage. Until my engagement, I will NOT be anyone’s beau, boyfriend, or any other kind of trick word for exclusive dating. If a boyfriend/exclusivity is mandatory en route to marriage for you, I’m sad to have missed getting to know you. But not too sad!
            I’m too busy enjoying my life. Single. 

RuggeD Posterity Mission

RuggeD Posterity

          Having traveled America, the importance of community, Love, family, cooperation, inspiration, abundance and Christ-like living have become so very essential. The Crenshaw community has become an example of what an urban community can be. I owe so much to this community for the foundation it provided me with. From 42^nd street elementary and the Boy Scouts to Audubon Junior High School to Crenshaw High School, even to playing basketball at 54^th street, this community has given me so much.
          Now, as I become the leader of my generation of community members, I must become aware of my responsibility and leadership. Because of my past, I have so much to give and it’s my turn. My neighborhood needs me and I plan to deliver.
          Not all of the recent changes inside and out of my community have resulted in growth. Too many have abused/abandoned what was given them and not enough have remained to give. No more!

          I determined, immediately after high school, that where many sought to abandon, I would be committed to my neighborhood. My children will grow up here. God willing, my children’s children will grow up here. Commitments of that type require work. There must be a community for them to live and grow in. That means the community must grow.

           I have become aware of many members of the community contributing their part to maintain the community from working with the children to community outreach to business building. By showing what community is in all areas, we can create community members who are more aware of the beauty they are a part of. Once they are aware, we can foster growth leading to more success, bigger businesses, vertical integration into various industries, a stronger and clearer culture as well as a larger investment into our own economies. 

        

          RuggeD Posterity is focused on preparing community members in all areas of life. By creating more well-rounded individuals. We are leading the way for building/rebuilding communities across the country. The vision is a strong community and we accomplish it by perfecting our foundation. 

RuggeD Posterity will coordinate existing frameworks in neighborhoods across America into solid communities which will contribute to the prosperity of our nation and the global economy. The mission from this day forward is to support the Powernomics principle of Vertical Integration and prosperity within the community by providing research, policy notes and economic strategies.

Choosing God - WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

Some (A LOT) of my ‘Christian’/Religious brothers and Sisters make me wonder. Often. We all allegedly read the same book. How did they miss the part where God wins and the devil loses?

Listen to them speak and it will make you wonder who they believe in.  All I hear sometimes from people is – “The devil is a lie” “The devil is busy” “The devil is working today!” “The devil keeps poking me on Facebook” “The devil is doing that thing with a piece of grass in my ear to make me think a fly is on me.” The devil. The devil. The devil. And after all that, you might get one “God is good”.

And I go – What do you really believe? Did we read the same book? Through the law of abundance (which is called choosing God/living in the spirit in the Bible) I would believe you love the devil. So guess what the universe is going to give you more of?

Choose GOD!

Philippians 4:8-9 is the work you have to do. Everyone loves 4:6 because left on its own, you can ask God for what you want and don’t have to do any work. But NO! You must always work. THINK! THINK! THINK! Ephesians 6:12 says it is not about anything else but how you think. And the WORK is Ephesians chapter 6. “Put on the whole armor of God” Righteousness, truth, faith, salvation, Spirit and never stop praying! READ whole chapters if not whole books.

In Galatians Chapter 5, the Fruit of Spirit is Love. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through Love. Part of the spirit of Love is truth. A real Preacher (Ecclesiastes) will tell you the whole truth.

In Ephesians 5 – God’s example is Love. Live not as unwise but wise. Live as light and find out what pleases the Lord. It’s all in 1 Peter chapter 2 “So get rid of every kind of evil. Stop telling lies. Don't pretend to be something you are not. Stop wanting what others have. Don't speak against each other.” “People who don't believe might say you are doing wrong. But lead good lives among them. Then they will see your good works. And they will give glory to God on the day he comes to judge.” “By doing good you will put a stop to the talk of foolish people. They don't know what they are saying. God wants you to stop them.” “Live like free people. But don't use your freedom to cover up evil. Live like people who serve God”

It’s that simple. Choose God. Show it ALL the time! 

It’s Complicated

I’ve heard it before. Mostly I’ve seen it online. I’ve been picking up girls/women online since the late nineties. I can remember the first time I saw “it’s complicated” as a relationship status. I’ve been wondering since that day what’s so complicated about relationships.

            It’s been quite a while. This week was the first time I actually sought to find out about it. I got a little more than I expected. A little.

           

            Below is my request and some responses:

My name is Jason. I am writing an article on the "it's complicated" relationship status. Would you be interested in sharing a little bit about your relationship status? Please. I can and will keep everything you share anonymous. I just want to talk to real people and real relationships.

Female 30 GA

·         whats there to say we live together but he says we not together dat  im just his right hand gurl

·         yes i pretty much have gave up on tryn wit him cuz he says every thing is my fault but whatever on dat.... i gotta sneak around n do me cuz he likes to trip.. even though he told me dat he dont want any other guy to have me eather i guess

·         (Does he date openly?) nope not dat i kno of

·         its my place its in my name so im not goin any where (to Is moving out difficult?)

·         idk (Is there any hope of reconciliation)

·         (Do you ever think he’s using you?)kinda but he does pay all da bills

·         (It’s a good arrangement except for dating?) yeah to a point

·         we still have sex n sleep in da same bed

·         naw we always use protection cuz he not ready for kids.... if we dont have it then we dont have sex

·         no but i hope it does[change]... bn safe we have bn together off n on for 2yrs... we use to not use any thing till he got wit a whore when we broke up n she gave him a std n ever since then we use protection

·         da only advice u could prob give me would b run his ass off n move on

·         all i gotta say he wont leave so im doin me since he dont wanna b wit me ill find love one way or the other

Female 39 Tustin CA

here is my version of the status....in my mind i am doing the right thing and walking away from the start of a relationship that i see is really too complicated on his side.  Its a guy that didn't  do the right thing by ending his old relationship before starting with me so of course there is fallout and not something that i respect on his part.  At the end of the day I am just not feeling the situation either.   Ok so thats whats complicated....lol.  I do like the fact that the status keeps the stalkers away 

(So just so I'm clear. You did try to have something with a guy who was "having trouble becoming unattached", but you gave up. And now you just leave the status because it's a bit of a filter. Did I get that right?

But I do also read inside that, you still have some feelings for this guy. What about that?)

so far u have everything right....now about the feelings.. I am happier out of it than in it so its a wrap.

Female 28 Overland Park KS

 I don't have a problem sharing. My relationship is complicated because my bf is in prison. I haven't fully made the decision if I should stay or go. I thought complicated was the most acurate description.

Female 33 TX

well my its complicated is not because im in a relationship.....at least I don't think im in one anymore....so Im not sure If I can help you out.   Im still legaly married, over a year now...he refuses to divorce me and I don't have the money to hire a high priced attorney.....we were together for 13 years and even though I know no one will ever love me as much as he does, or do for me like he did.....the love is lost.

I have currently entered a long distance relationship/friendship with someone I went to high school with but never knew when I was in high school, I would love to be with him but.....the distance is a big issue, that and the trust issues i have from my past. Im not prepared to move back home, and although he says will move here its a big step and im not sure how serious he is

its over with my husband......with the guy from high school, I would consider it some kind of relationship

I guess the hardest part I have with the whole distance thing, is it makes me feel abnormal......I don't get why I can't find someone in my own hometown that wants to be with me but someone 1400 miles away is the first person I hear when I wake up in the morning and the last voice at night and wants to be with me......

yeah, i try to hold my head up high on that one, but he acts crazy....the last guy i was talking to before I met my guy.....dumped me after finding out all the drama I still had with the ex....I was on the phone with him and then my ex called my sons phone and I thought I put him on hold.....when the ex told me he went and clamed the kids on his tax return, when he didnt even help me last year I fliped out.....the guy told me "i didn't know you had issues like that, im out" LOL I told him if he had taken a min to ask me how my relationship was with my kids father he whould of known and deleted his #

yea.....IDK, didn't think he was right for me anyway. But I was kind a like WOW your breaking up with me over that???

I think I have it together, I know I make bad choises when it come to men, but what I learned in the past year is as much as I want a relationship, I don't need one...Im blessed I can do for my family and take care of them...Im not the richest person in the world but I make a good enough living to keep my self above water, I have goals, im still young, and I have a bright future ahead me..... =D

i told him i would move back to miami, if I could sell my house. THE PROBLEM......homes are not selling here in San Antonio

Dawn M(Female) 50 Palm Bay, FL

Hello jason. Haha. Well its complicated no more! It was-but i left him and moving on! Take care n good luck with your research!

Latina 52 San Antonio TX

honestly i dont know if i am still in a relationshi.   i have not seen him in 5 weeks......whats complicated?  he puts everyone and everything before me

So do you want to be in a relationship with him still and do you think he does as well?

yes i still do and so does he but i thnk i am ready to move on

yes but he keeps avoiding me.  but he tells me he loves me......  wow

i've asked for my house key but he avoids brining it to me

How long have you two been dating?

7 months

yeah i do but how do you know when it its? (Do you have a limit?)

last week he told me if i wanted my key i had to come get it but i couldnt go at the time so now it likes he wont come by and return it.  Its like he is holding on to it to keep a hold on me?

so i guess i need to set my limits huh?  and you r so right, its women like us who do all the right things and we get taken for granted.......

Female 28 Hokinsville KY

Complicated 4 me means I hav a live in but he's not my boyfriend but he wants 2 b but he is my friend

We tried but it didnt work I don't want 2 go bck down that rode again but he's blockin my life a lil ya know

Just friends(started out)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!(children?)

Don't really knw[what’s next]. don't want 2 put him out and no where 2 go. But I don't want 2 keep feelin like I can't do in my own house either! What's a girl 2 do! I guess I'm just 2 nice

Female 40 Fort Wayne IN

i met a man we started dating and became srious for five years then he started drinking cheated and i tried tellin him to stay away from me and he said how sorry he was and how much he loved me so i still see hom even thoigh he doesnt allow me at his home because of the secrets he has going on. another skank and two baby mommas he doesnt sleep with the baby mommas but the skank im not sure about we have been together for seven years and 2 have been complicated when i try and leavee he cant stay away for more than 7 days

not taken (Do you date other people?)

sometimes lol its(dating) complicated

i believe that if he is meant to be with me he will see that i am a good woman and come to his senses but who knows what the future holds

what next 29

Well I can start with I am legally married and have been for the last 9 years, but we have been seperated off and on since 2008.  We have filed the divorce papers and are awaiting a court date.  He is currently seeing another woman back home where we are from and I can honestly say that I really don't mind, just wish her the best of luck!!!!         If there is anything else you want to know just ask.

Yes we still talk but only of the childern. No I don't hook up, I really have not thought of dating I just want the divorce to be over with and then someday I might think about dating.

And my lone brave male!

Dustin D Ypsilanti MI 26

yep yep ! my relationship is a im sry i won't do this or that naggin n bitchin anymore..then bam happens again and again sucks rt

yes but we never stop living together  n 6 years 

YES WE GOT A SON TOGETHER AND NOPE SHE DONT WANNA I DO 

As you can see, there are some interesting and disparate stories here. Unfortunately the men didn’t step up. Thankfully, the women were honest and open.  I saved the last female’s story because hers was the most compelling.
            She asked me to call her. I hesitated but quickly found out why it was worth it to call. Below is her story. Because of her situation, I can’t tell you much about her identity. You’ll see:

Female 38

“It's too much to type and what paper or magazine do you work for or is this just a project”

 I sent her a link and my phone number. She responded with hers. I was determined to call so I set a reminder to call her within two hours. This is her story:

She was married 11 years. She’s been separated for 1 year. He doesn’t know. He knows they have problems, but he hopes they stay together. She wants a divorce but she’s scared to tell him where she lives because he’ll make life hell. They’ve tried to work it out 2/3 times. As of now, he thinks she’s looking for a place for them to stay. She intentionally let their lease lapse and told him they had to find somewhere else to live.

            The relationship is abusive, physically and verbally, “He’ll hurt me” “Not attracted to him” because of the abuse. He’s jealous of her financial responsibility. He gave up “the life”/hustling and now struggles. He’s unhappy with his life choices. So, they argue, he get’s violent.

She lives in one state and he lives in the state next door. He’s not from either. She’s hiding from him and still dating.

“It helps” but “I’m going to hell” because she’s still married. She cheated two years ago (that’s one year before the ‘separation’. She’s scared of Tagged. She still dates the guy she cheated with, but she can’t give her all because of this situation.

She’s embarrassed because family warned her. And after all this, she’s still “confused”. She thinks about going back but knows she “Can’t change him” Deep down she knows it’s not going to work.

These women should show us how issues get tangled and twisted and complex when we let things build up instead of dealing with them. All of these “relationships” started simply and then the issues came. As I spoke with these women, I would notice one issue that seemed simple enough and, immediately, that one issue would get entwined with another simple issue. And then another, and another… And there you have it! A complicated relationship.

                      I’ll speak for the men and say that everyone is looking for Love. These “complicated” relationships are just one extent people will go to in order to find it. Let these women serve as warning. Relationships are simple. Life is simple. Love is powerful. It can all become complex if we let them.

What I Learned This Weekend 2/27/12

What a weekend!

I guess it started Friday. I was getting ready for my writers group meeting on Saturday. You know, pretending I did everything I said I would do a month ago at the last meeting. (Just being funny) The only thing I didn’t do was keep up with my writing log. I started it but then I kept writing/researching without logging it.

            I was aware of it though. I realized the value of my research time in The Think Tank. The Think Tank was a gift from God. In addition to The writers group that I can walk to once a month, I have this wonderful group on my favorite website where I can talk about things that matter. We talk about the stuff I write about and the opinions are very diverse. I get new perspective on my articles and new topics to write about.

            Also, some old topics come up. Sometimes there are topics that I have overlooked or ignored. This week, the issue of domestic violence came up again and again. I had written a blog about domestic violence posed as a letter to a girl I was interested in. In the letter, propose that since her current boyfriend beats her, I can beat her better. It derived from a play on the word beat (Violence) and beat (Sexual). It evolved into the letter as it is now.

            The funny thing is, it was written almost a year ago while I was in jail. Right after I got out, the person in question added me a friend on Facebook. Or so I thought. It took attempting to share with my writers group. Sharing the letter with my step mother, some shit chat with my dad and a separate inspirational message from Tony Robbins to convince me to give away the fear and just do what I know to – write.

            Turns out it wasn’t the same girl. (I think) Either way, I’m willing to give up myself in order to start the dialogue up. And I think I did that.

            Sunday was the best. THE BEST!

            I felt a way about skipping church but I felt something good coming. It started early. As I was sprinting down the street on my daily ‘hour of power’, my dog Angel went a little crazy and tried to run across the street. My attention was diverted to two men. One seemed I little familiar. Upon slowing down, I realized it was one of my best friend’s Scooter standing in front of his in-laws’ house. So we reconnected. I lied and told him I forgot his number. The truth was I hadn’t gotten a call back from him in so long (years) that I didn’t bother to call when I got back. I sent him a text message after the run so he would have my number. He actually sent me a text back before I left for my later engagements so that was good.

            Then I was supposed to borrow some clothes from Mike so we could go out later. As it would turn out, my dad came with two beautiful shirts he couldn’t fit but that fit me well! I asked about some shoes and got blessed with some nice wing tips. The day was getting better.

            I got to watch my sister and niece playing video games together. They spend a lot of time together but something about Super Mario on Wii that makes me feel a way. A good way! THEN I got to hang with my boys Seth, Greg and Mike.

            Greg picked me up so we could go support my boy Seth’s latest promotion. On the way to the bar, I picked up a suit and another shirt from Mike’s. It was a wonderful gathering to watch the NBA All Star game. Being around a lot of former acquaintances, good, legitimate ones, made the All Star game viewable. Then I got to catch up a bit with Seth and Greg. That was REALLY the best part of watching the All Star game. I am slowly settling down back into L.A. and I’m loving it!

            So everything worked out. Mike ended up at a party on the same block I was on. Talk about stars lining up. I threw on a sport coat and transferred my extra, just in case, gear to Mike’s car. Then we caught up with another Xavier Alumn at the W. There was a cool vibe. One woman caught my eye but she was with a douche bag. I got to sit for a minute which was glorious! as I had been standing up in shiny shoes for a few hours. After a bit of chit chat with Mike, we decided on gong to the Maxim party.

            The Maxim party was in a Mansion above Sunset. There was a shuttle to the party. Mike and I anticipated a little finagling to be able to get on the shuttle. As good fortune would have it, the only trouble was the LONG assed wait to get on the shuttle. It seemed the entire party showed up at the shuttle stop at the same time.

            Eventually, we made it on the shuttle and to the party. It, was, all, worth it! We immediately forgot the wait. Not only were we around a few of the most beautiful women in L.A., we were surrounded by some of the personable. And there was an open bar which meant all the caffeine I could handle.

            I could go on about the party but let me just say it was worth not going out much if that type of party is where I end up. I got home at 5. I was so tired/wired I locked my sister out and fell out, then when she woke me up at 7 am I could barely go back to sleep. (Barely being able to go back to sleep for me is like not being able to sleep at all for a normal person) My feet still hurt at 11:35 the next night. And it was all worth it. The whole weekend!

            It was a glimpse of what life can and will be like being back home and I’m in Love all over again. I’m in Love with writing. I’m in Love with life. And most of all I’m in Love with LA. L.A. means more than some streets and clubs. L.A. is my family, my friends, my life. Everywhere that I’ve been and everywhere I’m going is all about L.A. That’s never changed. I just needed this weekend to remind me.

            I’m LA! I’m home! That’s it. It’s going down! 

F**k Joe Paterno: What About The Children?

What About The Children?

F**k Joe Paterno

That wasn’t my first response to hearing about his passing away…

Penn State football was probably keeping Joe Paterno alive. It gets kind of rough there. He was responsible for his own actions that led to his being fired. So, in a way, he killed his self. That in itself is a sad thought.

Let’s get a little darker.

Fuck Joe Paterno.

            Somewhere along the line we got distracted. Again! A child’s innocence was stolen by a monster. Again! We are paying attention to the wrong stuff. Again!

            This young lady is in a lot of pain. She was a victim. And, just like now, when it happened to her, the ‘adults’ were too busy discussing everything else. We got distracted by Joe Paterno and whether he would be charged. Should he have been fired? Before that it was Eddie Long and the church. What’s going to happen to New Birth? Is he going to stay on or step aside? Before that it was the musical chairs in the Catholic Church.

This whole time, all these years, people have been suffering. While we were discussing everything else, we were missing an opportunity for healing. Focusing on the devils and demons walking around, we are overlooking the people who need us the most.

This young lady reminded me. The most important thing going on is that there are people who need our Love. This young lady needs our Love. Four young men in Atlanta need our Love. Countless other young men and women need Love.

Some may try to passive aggressively turn the attention back to the children but this young lady’s blog made me realize that the time has passed for passive-aggressive suggestions. Fuck Joe Paterno. Fuck Eddie Long. Fuck all those priests. They don’t deserve our attention. Our Love is needed by children and adults all over the world.

This is a hard topic to deal with but that is the very reason why we can’t afford to tip toe around the issue. We must protect children. And when we fail, we must not ignore the hard work of healing. Fuck anybody who will attempt to distract us from our children when they need us the most.

Thank God for this young lady speaking up and reminding me that we have gotten WAY of track. It’s not too late. It’s never too late to LOVE.

Love!

What I Learned in Church: 1/22/12

Let us pray:

            Forgive me for not seeing/seeking You in everyone. I’ve been distracted by dysfunction. I praise Your name to the highest heavens for giving me one more chance. Thank You for never changing, even when I did.

            Specifically, I got scared to be the man You spent all this time molding me into. I made some early mistakes. I released my passion and unleased the pimp hand physically and verbally. I don’t know if it was my time to act but I know it scared me into distraction and inactivity.

            My prayer is that those I have chosen as my family, will receive your humble ways through my humiliation. Let them see the true meaning of giving. Shw them through my constant humiliation the ultimate gift is self. Give up self. THAT is Christianity! Giving it all away. IT is ego. Give yourself away.

Show us how to give away our feelings, give away our understanding, give away our stuff, our pasts. And when we are stubborn, take it away. We will count it as a blessing. Forgive us and show us how to forgive ourselves. Help us let go of our baggage so we can receive your bounty.

            In Jesus’ name…

Our youth pastor began the sermon. He touched Isaiah 50:4, Psalms 127:3-5, Matthew 18:2-5, Psalms 82, Proverbs 22:6; 6:1, Philippians 4:13, and Leviticus 19:32. The overall message was to stay encouraged on this journey that is your relationship with God. Always stay focused on understanding, pathways and instruction.  “Reach for heaven. Heaven is farther than the stars.”

Then came the charge from the senior pastor:

            Ecclesiastes 12, after we’ve seen it all and realize it’s all vanity, we don’t take any more pleasure in the things we used to do. So…

            “Remember GOD now!”

            We don’t have time to be distracted for even a second. We especially don’t have time to only think about being good on twice a week (Bible Study and Worship day). Hell, we don’t even have time for the morning/bedtime gap. You know how it is. We wake up praising God for giving us one more day. We end the day asking for forgiveness and one more chance to get it right. In between, we miss plenty of opportunities to remember God.

            The church (in every generation) is going to be held accountable for certain things. [ie. money, inventions, music]. The religious tradition is to run these things out of church. The church has to be ready to receive. In James 5:20 we get the picture that He is saving us so we can get to someone else. We go through stuff so that other can see there IS a way out. (Realize I said ‘go through’ not ‘stay stuck’ in stuff.)

            A lot of us have gotten so into doctrine that we try to take control from God. Let God handle the discipline. We just have to be the beacon. Let his light shine through us and our journey.

            Tradition and doctrine have made us lazy. GET UP!!! We used to walk everywhere. Then we get cars and get too tired to drive to church. Hell, we get to tired to drive around the corner let alone walk. WALK? I know I’m talking crazy!

            The bottom line is right now is a serious time to get it in. and it’s not about 2012, the economy, the election, Al Queda, Iran or anything like that. Virtually everyone knows all there is to know about right and wrong. We are and will continue to be held accountable for ALL that we know. If you know better and ain’t doing it…

…just don’t try to block me on my way to glory…

[Talk about Blocks!]

Inter-racial Dating: Why does it bother you?

I’m pro-choice. I’m also pro-keep it too yourself. I’m mostly pro truth. Choose either way you want, just be honest about why. In discussing the matter with friends, the question of motivation always comes up in the inter-racial dating discussion.

            I went to Facebook for answers. One interesting comment says: I really don't know how I feel? cause if my dad didn't date my mom I wouldn't be here...my kids wouldn't be here. I guess whats bothering me now is the last 2 relationships i have been in and I am currently still in the last one...both men were MARRIED (but divorced when i dated them) to White women!!! i have always felt love is love but i am finding myself irritated at the site of Black men with White women. But i don't know why...

            (I am finding myself irritated at the [sight] of Black men with White women. But I don’t know why…)

            Neither do I. And I think that bothers us all the most.

            In this age of uncertainties and ever increasing insecurities, we find solace in pointing out each other’s short comings. Misery loves company. We also want someone to blame for our struggles. Racism is dead but people are still broke and it must be someone’s fault. Now, the former victims of racism are getting into the blame game.

            Among Black people, it’s easier to blame White men/women for our already damaged gender roles. Among ALL Americans, it’s always someone else who has the money. And so, inter-racial dating becomes about money and politics as well.

             

Main thing I would say is unless your an ultra rich White person or an old White republican type that thinks they're rich being White is a wrap! Interacial dating is in all cultures!!! As we Black "African" descendants break up these stereo types all the women in the world are realizing that the Black Man is the shit!!!!! This has opened up interacial dating doors for races of all kind!!! Love and Marriage is very Hardwork!!! I applaud everyone giving an honest God-Love relationship no matter race creed or color!!! P.S. These pink toes wit Donks is Killin some of these sisters I ain't mad at brothas chasin them bubbles!!!!

            And of course, there are ‘The Bubbles”. The phenomena of White girls with ass is growing and creating more than a little confusion. I’m talking about REAL cheeks, not those Britney Spears implants. (Give it up Britney. We know.)

            Some A lot of stereotypes are being turned up on their heads. The Bubbles are just two things that have changed. Not only is “being White a wrap” but so is being anything else. Black English, Ebonics, talking White, AND the valley girl dialects are dying thanks to the internet and free long distance.

The bottom line is -   love is love. color shouldnt matter.

            The problem we have with inter-racial dating is that we (America) haven’t figured out what Love is. The thought that someone else has it figured out and that it doesn’t have anything to do with all or any of our preconceived notions is unsettling. We feel it when look at same race couples. Everyone hates PDAs that aren’t us. No one wants any couples in their faces with all that cute shit.

It’s just that we have no excuse for hating on the same race couples. In our blame game society, we can find a ton of reasons why inter-racial dating bothers us. Racism is dead (The Blog @ What I Learned…) but we will beat that dead horse and use the glue to keep on releasing ourselves from facing our own inadequacies.

Who we should consider are the couples who have looked beyond stereotypes and found Love. They inspire us to do something difficult and that’s change. And that change is made even more difficult because it’s our perspectives we have to change. Seeing someone happy shouldn’t bother us no matter what race the people are.

On the other side of the coin, there are those who choose to date outside their race to cover up for inadequacies. There are “color struck” people in all races. And they play the blame game like everyone else. They get tired of how someone in their family or culture treated them and turn their backs on their race.

In Las Vegas, I found myself in the company of quite a few White girls who had never dated White boys or even considered it. I noticed a correlation between these girls’ dating preferences and the absence of their fathers. Of course, having a lot of Black friends, I have had a few who mysteriously only dated the lightest skinned Black girls and eventually Latina and White girls. Both these White girls and my friends have in common is a motivation to disregard mates of the same race along with a refusal to discuss those same motivations.

We may never know the true motivations of these individuals. Anyone who is not honest about their motivations is not operating in Love. These people may be the minority when it comes to inter-racial couples. Because of that, we shouldn’t consider these people at all when it comes to dating. These people should not be dating within or without their race.

Although these may be the minority, these need our Love. If we are also lost and unfulfilled then we can’t help. We should start with ourselves. But if we know Love, we know to give Love. Perhaps we can help others to find Love. And if we know Love, we know nothing else, especially race, matters.

What I Learned In Church: January 8

How The Catholic Church has changed!

My next Catholic visit was St. Agatha Parish. It was close to being at Our Lady of Lourdes. Only the choir was a little different and, in the South, traditions last a little longer. We used to Baptize/Renew vows on Saturday. (Who changed that?) and we used to pray/meditate in silence before service... 

SMH

 St Agatha was POPPIN before service. I didn’t know what to expect this time. But I liked the crowd. I liked the vibe. I Loved being early! So with no further ado, let’s get to the Word:

The readings were: Isaiah 60:1-6, Ephesians 3:2-3a,5-6, and Matthew 2:1-12.
Jesus' coming was foretold, Jesus came to save Gentiles and THEN the two responses to Jesus' coming/birth.

What is the Epiphany? An album by Chrisette Michelle? The manifestation of Christ? The beginnning of Christ's journey? All of the above!

Let’s just focus on the last two though. Turn to someone and say "The glory of the Lord shines in MY life, and in MY household!” Then go out and remember to make it true every day!

Rise up! The glory of the Lord is upon you. Beware of the power of words. Don't dwell and talk about the problems. Talk about the healing! “I am HEALED in Jesus' name!” The power of life and death is in the tongue and you will eat of its fruit. Proverbs 18 :21

So, declare victory.

There were two major responses to Jesus’ coming. The wise, celebrated the coming salvation. A few people were threatened. Herod killed his wives and sons for "eyeing his throne". He worked very hard to kill Jesus as well. But it was not God’s will.

Many of us say and go through the motions like we are with the wise men. But often our true actions and motivations are more like Herod. In our lives, choosing God often requires change. We get scared and even threatened by the prospect of change. Relax, chill out, God cannot be out done!

My secret weapon is that God wins. So many people have forgotten that, so sometimes the world looks a little scary. Often we are so afraid to choose God that we get stuck and, instead of making any decision at all, we end up holding baggage. Drop the baggage today. When you even think someone has something against you, go and make peace.

The point is Jesus represents newness in all our lives. We like new shoes but we don’t like new lives. Sometimes we have been doing things a certain way for so long that when a choosing God/WWJD moment comes, we reject the newness of Jesus. Proverbs 3:1-5 concludes, “Lean not onto you own understanding…”

It’s not just about reading and understanding. It’s about your perspective. In order to be truly Christ-like, there will be moments when we must give up our life, that is our perspective, and use a new one. It’s not about dissecting the Bible in order to justify living our way. It’s about dissecting the Bible in order to learn to live Jesus’ way.

Since there were no distractions this week, I’ll add my own sidenote:

(Sidenote) When you take a walk in someone else's shoes, the fact that they are not your shoes should be the first thing you recognize AND ACCEPT. We like to do it the selfish way... Cut out the toes... Shave the heels... Put an insole... 
Walk in them. You don't have to stay there but just understand what it feels like. If you want to help the owner of the shoes, help. And remember that you can only help those who want and are willing to change. Also, be aware that you may be the one who has to change and walking in someone else’s shoes may help you more than them…

What I Learned In Church: New Years Day

 For the New Year I went back to my Catholic roots. The first stop was Holy Name on Arlington and Jefferson. We walked in a little late. It was no one’s fault (Gina). We walked in on the gospel. (My father says if you make the gospel and Communion, you went to church.)

The readings were from Numbers chapter 6, Psalms 67, Galatians chapter 4 and Luke chapter 2. Sometimes you have to turn a picture sideways to get all one-thousand words. We start with God’s promise to bless Israel. Then we practice praying for God’s mercy. THEN we look back on what God gave us in Jesus’ life. We were all unable to live under the law and Jesus presented the key to our salvation. He gave his life to teach us how to Love. AND THEN we go back to His birth. The shepherds, the wise men, the magi, the priests, the scribes, indeed the entire nation of Israel and the world was waiting on something to help them in their lives. So desperate were a few that they looked to and celebrated the questionable birth of Jesus to unwed parents.

How desperate are we to get out of our situations. Would we worship a child? Would we follow a man who threw his inheritance away to travel the world with a bunch of hippies? When we are lost, do we know where to turn? When all seems lost are we willing to follow the lead of a man who couldn’t/wouldn’t stop himself from being crucified?

Looking back on all of this now, we can see the power of God but, what about today? What about right now in our very own lives? Following Jesus’ example sometimes means utter and complete humiliation. Who is willing to give up their swag/pride for a minute/day/year for God’s promise?

When we walked in, the celebrant was going off on a tangent about black Jesus. Standing in front of a huge white Jesus on a cross, the celebrant explained that a black Jesus should be in the manger. “It is racially insensitive to not have a black baby Jesus in the manger” And this was a week after Christmas. It was my first visit to Holy Name so I don’t know when they put the Christmas decorations. I do know that it seemed a little late to be discussing Christmas decorations. I’m just saying

Focus

What a show! Who says Catholic Church is boring?  The celebrant (I don't know if he was a Deacon or a Priest) was colorful. After calling white Jesus racially insensitive, he proceeded to sing with the choir, walking around the sanctuary dancing. He reminded me so much of a wino (Gina said his name is Ned-The Wino) who just wandered in and started talking and singing and dancing. I'm waiting on him to fall down and start crying.

There was a Re-Commitment Ceremony too! Father Joe reminded us that the marriage bed is undefiled and only judgment awaits the unmarried (ahem…) [Hebrews 13:4]. The couple was in their fifties. They had been married for a while. It was wonderful to see the spark still there. They had a youth to them. Most of all there was Love. Thank God they chose to share it with us all in the church.

We ran over into the Spanish mass. Bless their hearts. They just came on in. Nothing can stop God's worship. 

All in all, the message is the same as it always was. God is Love. He Loves us so much, He sent His son to show us how to Love on His level. Jesus’ example was evident in the married couple that day. God promised us the greatest blessings. The greatest blessing is Love. It’s here now all around us. We just have to remember to look for it and most of all give it.

Chasing The P: Tammy & Kathryn

Chasing The P: Tammy & Kathryn

LaShawn asked a question: “Men: Do you really NOT know when a woman your boy might be interested in is really MORE interested in YOU?! Or do you really know but NOT trying to go there with her because you know your boy is feeling her? ~ He's my "Bro", she's my "Sister" crap Kills me Ortega!”

This was the short answer:

(Part 1) I kind of get what you're asking. This is just a flirting situation. She would have to shut my boy down completely for me to notice. The reason I'm ignorant of her intentions is because I'm actually ignoring her until she turns my boy down. Unless that happens, she's with him

(Part 2) It's because women won't say anything straight out. That's the point of this whole post. IF a woman just said "I like you. I don't like him" or vice-versa, men wouldn't jump to conclusions. If we have to guess, I'm erring on the side of optimism. That means whipping it out. All you can do is tell me to put it back

This was my long answer:

I owe a lot of my early love life to Anthony. In the days before we had cars, our own places, and any money at all, Anthony was the best wing man ever. If I could just match that productivity now, I’d be a trillionaire. He was on the phone tough during any free time we had and could sell ice to Eskimos.

In 1993, one of the best years ever, he called me. We had dates to the movies. He had met a girl who had a friend. (Oh those days…) “My girl” was named Kathryn. “His” was Tammy. To the Culver City we went. The Marina was to meet girls; Culver City was the low-key date movie theater.

Tammy was gorgeous. Very petite, the most beautiful face, and she dressed well. If Anthony hadn’t told me he met her already, I would have chosen her. Kathryn was beautiful too. She had a nice figure, cute face, and her accent was attractive. She was American, Black, from Los Angeles but she spoke so different. She was cool.

Anthony had given me the rundown. Both were: private school girls (different private schools), best friends, lived down the street from each other.

For almost two years, Tammy and Kathryn were our main dates. I was getting serious about Kathryn but things moved slowly. Kathryn couldn't have boyfriends and she didn’t always get to come out. That became a big problem and eventually the end of Kathryn and I.

Tammy, however, was the focal point of all our kicking it. She had other friends and would invite them if Kathryn couldn't make it. She and Anthony’s relationship was strange. According to him, she had a boyfriend she wasn't faithful to. She spent A LOT of time with us though. Her mom loved me. Most parents did then. I was the master of the living room.

I didn't think of it then but Anthony shared a little too much about their relationship. It occurred to me that I knew too much about some P that I wasn't getting and would probably never get. All that mattered was Tammy was cool and she had friends. AND we had something to do nearly all the time. I could always ask Anthony to call Tammy to get it popping if Chasing the P elsewhere wasn't going well. Over the years I've had a ton of homegirls. Tammy may have been my first real homegirl.

Homegirls are essential to Chasing the P. A good one has plenty of satellite friends that you can hook up with. Unfortunately, I got out of hand with Chasing the P one night or twice when Kathryn wasn't able to come out. Her name was Sheri. She appeared to be the perfect satellite friend. Anthony told me she was easy and Tammy told me she wouldn’t tell so I went for it. That was end Kathryn. For a month or two I was so sad/mad at myself, I actually started listening to R&B for more than making sex tapes. I realized what Babyface was talking about.

Fortunately, Tammy kept in touch for five more years. She would call every once in a while. I wanted to call her but I intentionally ‘forgot’ her number out of respect for whatever she had going on with Anthony. There are rules to Chasing the P. Tammy was awesome and she still had friends. After high school, I wasn't playing any games. All of my networking was connected in some way to Chasing the P. Anthony rarely mentioned Tammy anymore. I definitely looked forward to her calls. Initially, I wanted to fish for news of Kathryn but, soon, I just wanted to talk to Tammy.

By the time we were twenty Anthony and I were growing apart. We had different friends and priorities. We were still talking and hanging out when I mentioned seeing Tammy on the street one day. Anthony told me she had a boyfriend and had ended their sexual relationship. Now, I wished I remembered Tammy’s number. I don’t do my boy’s left-overs but Tammy was different. I wanted to know everything. There was only one way to find out.

A few weeks or a few months later, Tammy called. For the first time ever, she mentioned her and Anthony’s relationship. She only said that he was acting strange and didn’t talk to her that often. After all these years, I assumed I could speak frankly. Plus, L.A. was being born. I just told the truth as I knew it, as subtly as a dump truck…

“That’s because yall ain't fucking no more.”

“WHAT???”

I repeated.

What happened in the next five/ten minutes was the above story from Tammy’s perspective. There were some MAJOR differences.

Contrary to Anthony’ story, the day I met Tammy was EVERYONE’s first time meeting. She hoped I was Anthony, she confessed. She had always considered Anthony just a homeboy. There was no sex of any type going on between the two. I asked about instances where he would maneuver her to her bedroom. She claimed they were talking about some other girl he was supposed to be dating.

So many things started to make sense, like why Anthony never made her a main girl when she was the finest thing he ever shook hands with. I was about to ask more questions, like if she ever actually had an STD. (Maybe I WAS naive. I just didn't see a reason for my best friend to lie to me.) I was too overwhelmed by those first few revelations. I completely forgot my mission to find out everything.

What proceeded afterwards was a bunch of lies and misdirection. At the end of it all, I wouldn’t talk to Tammy for many years. A few months later, neither would I talk to Anthony.

After that, it was hard to trust my “friends” when it came to women. And I don’t want to hear any of it when it comes to someone (Anyone) else’s sex lives. Even when it comes to counseling, friends are encouraged to spare me the details.

The most important realization came much, much later. I listened to Babyface so much after the Kathryn episode that “For The Cool In You” (the album) still takes me back. I was listening to ‘When Can I see You Again’ and it all came back. I would usually turn Babyface off when nostalgia started coming. This time I let it come. The whole story flashed through my head and I finally got it. Tammy liked me. For the first time, I listened to Babyface for a girl I never dated…

It took years for the day to come when I got it. By then it was too late.

At the end of it all, it hurt more to lose Tammy than it did to lose Kathryn, and not because of the satellite friends. She meant a lot to me. And I never told her. I still wish it was her instead of Kathryn. 

So no, LaShawn, men don’t know when a woman is more interested in them than their friend and  we don’t want to go there out of respect for our friends, even if our friends don’t extend the same respect. It may take years if we ever do realize it. And by then, it’ll be too late.